Another Year in Review

I'm a little late in posting this, but Penny is a year old! The main thing I want to say is... you guys, I did it. I breastfed a baby for a whole year. 12 months and some change. That might not be a big deal to most of you but if you know me or have been reading my blog for a while you know that it's a big deal to me. For a brief summary, I wasn't able to breastfeed Luke and I pumped exclusively for 8 months. It was very hard on me emotionally because I had always longed to breastfeed my baby. Well, I did! And I have to be honest that it wasn't my favorite thing. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad I did it and it was bittersweet to wean her but she was ready and so I was I. We've been weaned for about two weeks! It was never easy to breastfeed her away from home and now I feel a little more free to go out. It's also nice feeling to know that I could leave her at home with her dad and go somewhere and not have to be back by a certain time.

But enough about me. This little girl is still on the little side for her age. She's 20 lbs and I don't remember how long. Isn't that funny? I wrote everything down for Luke but life moves too fast now to give her the year in review she probably deserves. She's not walking-- she's done things a little later than Luke seemed to. He walked around 13 months so I'm not expecting it for a little while and I think that's okay. She can go at her own pace. She gets into everything, though. She is a great little crawler and loves to climb the stairs-- which is scary to me since she doesn't know how to back down them yet! If we don't have them blocked off she beelines for them. She cries more than I remember Luke crying but I think part of that is that Luke didn't have an older sibling grabbing toys out of his hand all the time! Oh, the life of a second born. She has the best smile and laugh and, of course, so much hair. I've given her less haircuts than I gave Luke by now but that's pretty understandable with her being a girl. I've trimmed her bangs a few times and evened things out in the back once. She doesn't hold still for much so for now I've had to delay my desires of fun hairstyles. If I'm lucky I can do a little pony on the top. She brings us so much joy and was meant to be a part of our family. We love our little girly!

Life with Two

Well, it's been about 6 months since I last posted and, as I'm sure you can surmise, a lot has gone on in that time with a new baby. With Luke I posted fairly frequently after he was born, mostly as a therapeutic way to vent frustration about the rough initiation I was having into motherhood. This time... well, I'm not going to say its been all rainbows and unicorns but an amalgamation of things has made it easier. Therefore, less venting was needed. It helps that I had been through it before and knew what to expect to a degree. It helps that breastfeeding hasn't felt like an insurmountable trial from the beginning. More than all of these things, it helps that I was able to escape the torturous grasps of postpartum depression. Many people have a very hard time adding a second child. For many it rocks their world... but for us, it's been pretty smooth. Transitioning from no kids to one kid is what what rocked our world. Or maybe when/if we add a third that will rock our world. But one to two has been, while not easy all the time, surprisingly doable.

Now, has breastfeeding this time been a walk in the park? Uh, no. We have had a lot of challenges but somehow, miraculously, I've been able to take all of these small annoyances in stride and guess what? It's working! Our little Penny Lu is quite the particular nurser. She still only likes to be fed in the cross cradle position (rather than the classic cradle position), at home in her rocking chair without noisy distractions. Luckily I've gotten her used to eating at church (though they are never the easiest feedings because, again, noisy distractions. Turns out mom can't carry on a conversation with her friends while Penny is trying to eat) and at my parent's. But try to nurse out and about? No way. Many tears are shed-- for both parties! And a nursing cover? Forget about it. At the back of my mind for these past six months I've had the thought, "When am I going to turn into one of those pro moms who can pop her baby on, cradle position, under a cover while sitting on a bench at the park while Luke plays? When am I going to become a normal breastfeeding mom?" Lately, I've had a light bulb go off in my head as I came to the realization that it doesn't matter if I'm not doing it the way I see on TV or movies, in blogs or even in the mother's lounge. I've decided I have to embrace my normal. Who cares if she insists on the cross cradle position for the whole 12 months we'll have breastfeeding together? The point is she's doing it! She's eating! And gaining weight really well, even while only eating one side per feeding in under ten minutes. That was one of those things I used to be so worried about but she just wouldn't eat more. But now, her chunky thighs reassure me that she knows what she needs and gets it-- and somehow I'm still amazed that I'm actually providing it!

I'm really trying to live in the present. There are times when I think, "Won't it be nice when she's older and..." and I stop myself right then and there because when she's older, I'm going to be missing the exact time I'm in now! The snugly, soft, sweet baby phase. Same goes for Luke who has been extremely independent and the daily power struggles are oh, so real. He asks me a million questions a day and I get so exasperated sometimes. I try to remind myself that some day he's going to be a teenager and I'm going to want him to talk to me. I need to soak in his attention and currently being one of his favorite people. I think I thought a little sister might be one of his favorite people too but up until now he hasn't shown her much attention. He helps getting her toys and diapers and pacifiers but he doesn't try to kiss her all the time the way I've seen other older siblings doing. However, as she's getting older he interacts with her more. She adores him and cracks up whenever he says goofy nonsense words to her or even just looks directly at her. Sometimes when I need to get something done and if he will, all she needs to be entertained is for him to run circles around her.

In other Luke news, we are potty training in the loosest sense of the words. I know I need to buckle down and do it better but I am unable to give him my full attention during the week when Penny needs to be fed and put down for naps. There are stretches of time where I just can't be with him and it seems like those are always the times he has to go and has accidents in underwear. So, for now, we're in pull ups. When Bryan is home we try to do underwear so either of us is always available to him. He simply won't try to go on the potty without one of us there with him. When he does go, it is only #1. He has never gone #2 (numbering them for the easily grossed out non mothers. The rest of us talk about our kids' bowel movements with shocking ease). However, I'm not stressing about it. I know it will happen. I'm not really worried about him going off to college without being potty trained.

Penny isn't a perfect baby by any means. She doesn't like to be left alone and whines/cries/screeches to get attention. She has had separation anxiety for months. She loves me and Bryan. In that order. When anyone else, even her Grandmas, try to hold her for more than a few minutes she starts to get upset. It's sweet. And exhausting. I know it's a phase that won't last. Trying to appreciate her great love for me. But in so many ways she is also the most delightful baby with a cherubic face that just fills my heart with motherly love and affection to look at. She doesn't love rolling but she will do it and has several times. She still hates tummy time. She is a wonderful night sleeper. I am one lucky duck to be getting as much sleep at night as she's been letting me get for months now. She goes to bed roughly around 8 PM and wakes up around 6:40 AM, generally. There are anomalies on both sides (she woke up at 7:20 today-- I had to go in the make sure she was alive, Owlet and all! But she also sometimes wakes up between 4:30 and 5:30 to eat and then goes back to sleep until around 8!) I'm definitely spoiled in the baby sleep department-- Luke was much the same. When she officially turns 6 months I'll be starting her on solids and it'll be interesting to see how she likes that. We follow baby led weaning where you basically just give the baby whatever food you are eating (within reason) instead of feeding them purees. It does teach them how to feed themselves sooner but really we don't do it for any sanctimonious reasons. It's just easier and cheaper, simple as that. Luke did really well with it and I'm excited to see how she does.

We've had family gatherings and fun galore in the past six months. I'll touch on those in the hoard of pictures I'm about to unleash on you. One that I'll give a more detail to, and honestly should have written about before now, is her blessing. She was blessed as Penelope Luvera Whitney on May 7, 2017 by her dad. He blessed her to know that she was a loved daughter of God and that her "native cherry attitude" would be a benefit to those around her, among many other lovely blessings. We were able to have a lot of family and friends come to it and hosted an open house at our home afterward. My mom bought her the most gorgeous detailed, lacy blessing dress that I love and we were able to get professional pictures taken later that week.

Just this morning my friend and I were talking about blogging (I was already trying to write this post-- which I wrote in entirety before accidentally pressing back and somehow deleting the whole darn thing. In a fit of rage I finished off Luke's potty reward M&Ms, woops, and then painstakingly re-wrote it) and she said she tried to just write one post a month encompassing the whole month instead of trying to blog about every specific event. I think I'm going to try to do that. By trying to do everything I end up doing nothing, at least as far as blogging goes. And here are some of our favorite pictures from the last six months:

Exhausted

Funny onseie I got at my OB/Gyn at my 6 week check up. She was actually not delivered by my doctor, Dr. Wilson, since she came on a weekend,. 

Some of her first smiles

This never happens.

Family Pictures March 2017

Easter Fun!

One of my very favorite parts of having a baby

May the 4th be with you!

Wonderful, beautiful new minivan that I <3<3<3

Baby Animal Days in Morgan

Beautiful blessing pictures

Happy Father's Day!

4th of July Bike Parade!

These two little cousins were the best of friends for about a week and were so sad to say goodbye.

This is what my days look like. But lets be honest, it's not always smiles. However, I love being able to stay home with these beautiful children!

Holding the baby is not quite the same as it used to be for Luke... He complained because she drooled on him and kept trying to touch his face. She was in heaven. She loves when her brother pays attention to her.

Luke trying on his dad's old glasses

Penelope Luvera Whitney

Two Saturdays ago, January 28th, to our surprise we welcomed our daughter Penelope Luvera Whitney into the world at 9:27 PM MST. She was 6 lbs 10 oz and 18.5 inches long and we were graced with yet another full head of hair, this time very dark brown. I am still in shock and awe that she is here. I felt for a long time that I should still be pregnant and that has only worn off in the last few days. I was expecting (or at least hoping) for a few more days before her arrival. I mentioned in the last post that Bryan started a new job. I'm not sure if I mentioned that our new insurance wouldn't be taking effect until February. We still had private insurance but her early arrival meant things will be more expensive as it won't go toward the deductible of our new insurance and we'll have to add her to the private right before cancelling it just so her hospital stay and newborn check up are covered. Sigh. We prayed so hard that we could just make it there. Surely we would since she wasn't even due until the 12th, right? She had other plans in mind. I suppose I should start at the beginning...

Part I -- Labor and Delivery

Luke was born exactly when we wanted him to be. He waited until after Thanksgiving but came before his due date. I was 38 weeks and 6 days along with him when he came dramatically into the world when my water broke late at night and I was immediately already dilated to a 9! After getting to the hospital and getting an epidural, my labor slowed down. I pushed for an hour and a half before they had to use a vacuum to get him out all the way because his heart rate was dropping. The labor and delivery were about 8 hours but I was told that the epidural is what had slowed it down and that I'd have likely had him very soon after if not for that. Because of all this I was pretty nervous that my labor was going to go really quickly this time around and I worried that I might not even make it to the hospital! My doctor told me that if I was at all dilated at my 37 week appointment that they would schedule me for inducement at 39 weeks. When I was 37 weeks with Luke I was dilated to a 4 and 80% effaced so I was sure that I probably would be dilated this time too. This time at 37 weeks I was a dilated to a 3 and the doctor just said I was "very thin" and that I could "go into labor at any minute." Way to freak a girl out! But still, as I was further along with Luke at that point and kept him in until 38 weeks 6 days I felt confident that she'd be born in February still. We set an induction date for February 7th but the doctor (correctly, it turns out) didn't seem to think I'd make it there.

A couple days later I was lounging on the couch with Luke curled up next to me watching a show when I started having some low back pain and cramping. Because of what the doctor had said I started freaking out a little. I drank a lot of water to slow any cramping and took a warm bath. A friend took Luke out that morning so I could relax and take it easy and my sister came over later and cleaned for me a little while I would just lay in bed. I felt so lazy. I convinced myself that I was overreacting to my body prepping for delivery. Still, Bryan and I made plans for if I were to go into labor while he was at work.

The next day Bryan came home from work early because there was a gas leak in his building. My neighbor saw him drive by and texted me, "Are you in labor???" I laughed a lot at that but looking back at when she did come, I realize it was entirely plausible. We spent the day getting things ready. We went to Costco and got a car wash and cleaned out the car. I gave both boys hair cuts. The next day was a very normal day, too. We went to Target to get some things and I picked up a larger temple dress from my friend, since we had planned to go to the temple the next day. I jokingly (but kind of seriously) mentioned I was nervous about going into labor at the temple.

Saturday has generally been my day to sleep in, which I would usually do until about 9. This morning, however, I started having some low back pain around 8 and couldn't fall back to sleep. I immediately took a warm bath, assuming that would settle things down and then we could get ready and go to the temple. I was very determined to go since I knew it would be my last chance for a while. Well the back pain did not abate so I took to pacing around my family room to get it to stop. It seemed to help and I felt confident that at least by afternoon I'd be all ready to go to the temple. Well, after a while of pacing I got tired and decided I wanted to sit down and when I did so I started having some cramping. A couple of trips to the bathroom had me more freaked out that this might really be happening so I called the on call OB/Gyn to let her know what was going on and see what I should do. She said I could be going into labor but the bathroom trips were not definite indicators and that I needed to time my cramping/contractions.

At this point my cramping intensified into noticeable contractions but they were irregular in timing. Some would come only every 7 minutes or so and others would be only 3 minutes apart! This was such a novel experience for me, Luke having been such a sure labor, and I had no idea if I should just go to the hospital and risk being turned away or wait it out. I called labor and delivery at the hospital and explained what was going on and they said I'd better come in just to be safe. I calmly finished packing my hospital bag and got ready while Bryan took Luke to the neighbor's house and then we calmly drove the the hospital, interrupted only by the occasional uncomfortable but manageable contraction. It was so surreal-- I had prepared myself for the possibility of another rush to the hospital but I had not prepared myself for how smoothly it was going and in that way it blew me away.

We got to the hospital and instead of collapsing in the parking lot and needing a wheelchair to get me up to triage we made our way quietly up, got to the desk and I said, "Um, I think I'm in labor?" They got me checked into a room and hooked up to all manner of monitors. They checked my dilation and I was at a 4-- they said they would leave me for an hour and if I'd progressed at all they would admit me. Over the next hour we rested and talked to family. We weren't even sure if we would be staying-- if this was it. My contractions seemed to get stronger too and I started to not care about whether or not it was February-- I was nervous to go home feeling that level of pain and if it was going to happen it just needed to happen. When they came back in an hour later I was a 5 and so they decided to go ahead and keep me! This time they hooked me up to the IV that would slowly give me the penicillin I needed to combat being Group B Strep positive. We called my parents to go pick Luke up and take him home to care for him during the hospital stay.

"This is really happening right now."

I asked the nurse when I should get an epidural, thinking I was supposed to wait until I just couldn't take it any more. She said, "Whenever you just don't want to deal with the pain anymore." Okay! I was definitely in pain and could tell I was about to get to the "can't take it any more" point when I asked for one. The anesthesiologist came in and got me set up-- Bryan later said, "It's a good thing you didn't see the needle he put in you. It is the biggest needle I've ever seen in my life." I didn't care, it was out of sight and out of mind and all I knew was that I could no longer feel my contractions, though I could feel my legs and feet more than I'd remembered with Luke. At first my heart was racing, I'm sure from the epidural, until it faded, though they did keep an eye on me for that.

Periodically the nurses would come in and fuss around me and check my dilation but for the most part we just relaxed for several hours as things progressed gradually and smoothly on their own. The doctor was going to come break my water at a certain point if it hadn't on its own but since I was progressing well she decided not to and not long later they checked me and I was an 8 and they informed me that my water had indeed broken on its own unbeknownst to me. From there I progressed even faster until the nurse checked me and said I was a 10 and asked me to bear down a little. She said, "Okay, are you ready to have a baby? She's eager to come." At this point, though I couldn't feel the pain of the contractions, I could definitely feel the uncomfortable pressure telling me it was time to push. We had to wait about ten minutes for the doctor to get in and then we were ready to go. I pushed through about three contractions for maybe five minutes and just like that, she was born. Again, a huge difference from the hour and a half of pushing and vacuum Luke needed. The nurses kept saying, "You did it all on your own!" but really I felt like she did it all on her own. She was just ready to come meet the world and got everything going on her own. It was an incredibly smooth labor and delivery.

First time holding my daughter.

Tiny baby!

Part II -- Postpartum Recovery

We had skin to skin time for a while in the labor and delivery room and then I decided to bite the bullet and try breastfeeding her. She refused to latch onto my left side but I calmly tried the other and to me surprise she latched right on and fed for a good 20 minutes! That was so encouraging to me since my previous breastfeeding experience was so traumatic. I went into it thinking I needed to be more relaxed and willing to go with other options if they were necessary. Before we even left the labor and delivery room we officially decided to name her Penelope, a name that we have loved since before we were even engaged. We had a list of "just in case" names, were she to come out seemly distinctly not like a Penelope but we were pretty sure we would go with it. Mostly we'll call her Penny. Her middle name, Luvera, is in honor of my maternal grandma. We like using family names for middle names.

Moving out of labor and delivery and to mother and baby.

Not long after they got me transferred to the mother and baby unit and the nurses were surprised I was up and moving as quickly as I was. I remember doing pretty well with Luke too, apart from needing a straight cath a couple of times before I was able to empty my bladder on my own. I felt so calm and like myself in the hospital. I was hoping it meant that I wouldn't have to deal with postpartum depression as I previously had. I was even already taking a low dose of zoloft in order to head it off. She continued to refuse my left side throughout the stay and instead of freaking out I would just pump it every other feeding and offer her the side she liked. Going back a bit, instead of staying with me overnight Bryan decided to go home in the evenings in order to be there for Luke so he left around midnight that night. I slept well in the hospital-- they brought Penny to me to eat when she needed to and my hormones didn't cause me to stay awake the way they had with Luke.

The next morning Bryan brought Luke to the hospital to meet Penny for the first time. We had been preparing him for his sister as best we could and talking about it all the time-- he seemed pretty normal and okay with everything. He was excited to give her a little stuffed elephant that I'd gotten at a baby shower. Soon after Bryan's mom and brother arrived and then my parents came as well. It was a packed room! Later that evening one of my sisters was able to come as well. So different from our stay in Boise where we had no family come to the hospital. We had a couple friends come and that was all. I thoroughly enjoyed my hospital stay, as I had with Luke. Maybe that's strange to say but I enjoyed only having the responsibility of feeding and loving Penny as well as recovering and being waited on hand and foot by nurses. We were told that we needed to stay for 48 hours for them to keep an eye on her for my GBS+ status so we assumed we'd be staying until Monday evening or Tuesday morning but my OB/Gyn said I could leave in the afternoon as long as the pediatrician said it was okay-- she did. It is always a little scary to leave the hospital with your brand new baby but this time I thought I would not miss the hospital as much as I had with Luke.

I think Grandpa loves this little girl!

Snuck picture of Luke holding Penny for the first time.

Bryan and his kids! He is such a good dad.

New family of four!

Big yawns, always sleepy!

Classic posed picture of Luke holding Penny

Bright eyes!

Lindsay holding Penny in the hospital.

Part III - At Home

We took another surreal car ride home with our new baby. My parents left and Bryan's mom and brother came back and stayed the night. That night my milk came in (previously she had just been eating colostrum) and she ate on the left side for the first time! I've decided that my crazy hormones kick in when my milk comes in because I haven't completely escaped the depression this time, though it has been much more mild this time so far and I'm already starting to feel more myself. My doctor even said that with the medication the first two weeks are hard hormonally. I feel I peaked around a week and am hoping it is slowly tapering off. Mostly when the sun would start to set I would get a weird and anxious feeling unrelated to any thoughts at all. For some reason that light outside really affected me chemically both times. I haven't had that the past couple of nights but I usually wake up feeling kind of weird until I'm able to get a shower-- that is my sanctuary. Physically my recovery has been very easy, pretty much like last time. I stopped feeling any pain from delivery shortly after delivery itself and only needed pain medication to help with uterine contractions as she breastfed but those are also gone now. I'm not completely back to normal, of course, but I'm not in any pain at least.

Grandma Sandi rocking Penny on her first night at home.

Breastfeeding is going mostly well. I think its impossible not to worry about how its going no matter how smoothly. There was one day that I started freaking out that maybe I wasn't making enough milk because I never get engorged but then Penny ate really well and I still had milk so I calmed down. I've been slightly nervous when she doesn't eat for the 15 or more minutes they said she should in the hospital but now I've stopped watching the clock and trying to trust my instincts when I feel like it's a good feed. Sometimes its frustrating when she falls asleep while eating and I'm not sure if she was full or just got sleepy. Last night she wouldn't eat on my left side again even though I had a lot of milk for her and I had a flashback to the way Luke would latch and unlatch and cry even though he was obviously hungry. I cried as I pumped that side-- reliving those feelings of failure. It was pretty emotional but then I read something online that said if their nose is stuffy that they sometimes have a hard time eating on one side or at all and I had remembered her nose being kind of stuffy. We gave her a little saline in each nostril and she ate fine on that side the next feeding. Each time is different-- sometimes so smooth and sometime a little more fitful. There are SO many variables that go into breastfeeding that make it scary. I'm trying my best to be laid back and just let things happen. So far things are going pretty well overall compared to my previous experience and I do feel confident I'll be able to continue but you never know what the future holds so I reserve the right to go to pumping or give her formula if that is what seems like what will be the best for us.

I forgot to mention that Bryan's new job gives him two weeks of paternity leave, which means I've had him home with me for the past week and a half. I have loved that. I'm never more clingy with him than right after I have a baby and it has helped so much in the sleep department. The first night was really rough-- my hormones had just started kicking in which made it really hard for me to sleep. Bryan also snores and I was unable to fall asleep before he started like I usually do. I didn't get much sleep that night. After that we decided to break the night up into shifts and have been doing that since. It's obviously not ideal but it has helped us both get a little more sleep. He takes care of her if she wakes up, other than feeding her, from 10-12:30, 2:30-4:30 and 7-9 or 10 when he gets up with both kids. All other times are my responsibility but I think he's doing his share by far. We try to put her in her bassinet and she does a little better than Luke did but is kind of restless so we've ended up bringing her into bed with us just like we did with him. Again, I never wanted to be a co sleeper but it's the only way all of us seem to get the sleep we need. However, we both don't get to fully sleep because we are so aware of her breathing and positioning. Last time I borrowed a baby sleep positioner from a friend-- two foam triangle things that he slept between on our bed but kept us from rolling on to him. We ordered one finally and it's supposed to arrive today. I am so excited and hopeful that it will help us all sleep a little better. Luke was in that for maybe two months before he moved to his swing and then his crib. I'm assuming things will go similarly with her. I guess only time will tell but she definitely loves to sleep. She is pretty rarely awake at all unless she's eating, honestly. Sometimes I feel like if she's awake she assumes she is supposed to be eating because breastfeeding can feel so demanding.

The last topic I wanted to address is Luke. He has definitely been acting out more to get more attention, usually being kind of destructive. Last week Bryan had bought a little chocolate cake at the grocery store as a treat for all of us. We all had a couple of slices but the following morning when Bryan was in the shower and I was nursing Penny he decided to shove handfuls of it into oven mitts and the rest he took upstairs and threw, piece by piece, over our landing. Pictures do not do this mess justice!!! However, he is still our sweet boy and I don't love him any less than I did before. I didn't really think I would love him less, even though that is a common concern with second time parents. I'm only sad that I don't get to give him as much attention as I used to. He is nothing but sweet to Penny and loves to help us get her diapers and things like that. He is going to be a great big brother and we love him so much.

Yesterday was the 7th, my induction date, and it's still so crazy to me that she's over a week and half old. I was so certain she'd be a February baby that every time I remember her birthday is January 28th it feels strange to me. Despite all the hardship and uncertainty that comes with having a newborn, we are both so overwhelmed with the deep and immediate love we have for this beautiful little girl. I'm so excited to see how her little personality will fit in to our family. We love you, Penny Lu!