Jonah Thurston Whitney

And just over a year later... Well, turns out a lot can happen in a year, including an entire pregnancy! As of my last post I had no idea I would be making this post a year later but here it is nonetheless.

Part I

One day in April or May Bryan and I were driving to the temple and he said, "We need to talk." Uhoh. He went on, "We need to talk about baby #3." I was a little speechless. Penny was around 16 months and I felt I had my hands full with two kids and a little part of me was thinking maybe I could be done and happy with just them. I really hadn't thought about starting to try again but we decided to think about it while we were at the temple that day and give it serious consideration. I remember sitting in the chapel before our session started just trying to imagine myself pregnant again or our life with another child and it felt scary but possible. The idea even seemed kind of exciting but still-- I was nervous. We decided we would stop birth control and see what happened. Bryan reasoned that since we have fertility issues that we likely wouldn't be pregnant for a long time anyway. I was hesitant to give into that reasoning because everyone says it happens when you stop trying. Still, we decided to move forward and not pursue any fertility treatment. I was ready to accept that I was only going to have two kids. But I bought a set of HCG test strips just the same to check on things every once in a while. 
We stopped birth control and for the first time in like two years, since being pregnant with Penny and breastfeeding and such, I had a period. A few weeks later on a Saturday Bryan's company had a Lagoon day. We spent the day going on fun rides with the kids and, because Bryan's mom came with us and was able to help with the kids, Bryan even had me go on a few roller coasters with him! 

The very next day was fast Sunday and, on a whim, I decided to take a test. I'm not sure why I did since I didn't have any symptoms-- I didn't even tell Bryan I was doing it. I walked into the bathroom and picked up the test and stared at two lines for a whole minute, I think. Bryan was laying on the bed in our room and finally I said, "Uh... this is a big deal." He said, "What, did you get your period?" I walked out of the bathroom with it in my hand and said, "I'm pregnant..." He had been resting and suddenly he snapped to attention and said, "No, you're not." I told him about the lines and he said, "It's because you're fasting, that's all. Eat something and take another one." I said that wasn't really how it worked and fasting actually made it more accurate but I acquiesced and with every test I took I continued to get the same positive result. We were floored because Luke took 15 months and a round of clomid to conceive and Penny took 13 months, 6 rounds of clomid and finally an IUI to conceive. This baby just decided it was going to exist! I hate to be a stereotype but we definitely fell into the category of, "Once you stop trying..."

We usually go over to my parents' house on Sundays for dinner and I was ready to announce it to them that very day but we had a family reunion coming up at the end of the month and Bryan wanted to wait until we could tell them all together. I did end up telling my mom first beforehand. She came over one day and I said, "I need to tell you something about Penny." (Trying to throw her off the scent so she could really be surprised) and then I said, "Penny is going to be a big sister." Bryan liked that approach so much he decided to do it with his side of the family-- only we were going to his mom's for a birthday party and he texted her beforehand and said, "We need to tell you something about Penny when we get there," which put her on edge for the hour long drive before we got there! Finally at the family reunion we were playing a game where we all wrote down a fact most people didn't know about us and everyone had to guess who said it. My sister was reading them off and when she got to mine, which said, "I'm pregnant," I saw her put it at the bottom of the slips of papers to be read last. Obviously, all the groups of people we told her so happy and surprised! 
For various reasons Bryan and I decided that this would be a good time to finish our basement. We had talked about it previously but upcoming baby put it on a faster track than other projects because our four bedroom house was making use of all four bedrooms with one of them being a guest room and we wanted to free it up for a nursery as neither Penny nor a baby would be able to share a room coming up. This was a very exciting project for us and every day we would go down to the basement to see what progress had been made. We love our finished basement so much! Not only do we now have an extra bedroom (and craft room) but we have a nice storage room and I feel more confident about the kids playing down there unsupervised and even taking the baby down to be with them while they play. 

From the moment we finally started telling everyone we were pregnant it seems like most of my friends were predicting it was a girl. My instincts were also telling me it was a girl and they had been right both times before so I felt fairly confident in my prediction-- though not confident enough to buy anything girl specific or paint the nursery (I had already decided I was going to paint it purple once we got the definite news that it would be a girl). I thought this could be the perfect end to the kids we would have. I grew up with all sisters and thought it would be nice for Penny to have a little sister and I was feeling like I might not be up for another baby after this. The only person who really, truly believed the baby was a boy was Luke... up until about three days before our ultrasound when Bryan changed his mind to think the baby was a boy. Well, obviously I was wrong. The moment the ultrasound tech told us that baby would be a boy I definitely didn't feel disappointed but a little thought saying maybe we would end up having a fourth came into my mind. Not that I can guarantee that baby would be a girl but I had been so sure we would be done after this and this was the moment that changed. We obviously don't need to think about that for a long time but it's on the table as a possibility. Suddenly, though, my mind shifted to start getting used to thinking of this baby as a boy instead of a girl. I'm glad we found out. I know it's popular to not find out with a tie breaker baby but I'm too much of a planner to let myself do that. 

Overall I had a very normal pregnancy as compared to my others. As with my others, I wasn't too nauseous but I did need to eat something right away in the morning before I could get up and move around. I think I threw up a handful of times with Luke and even less with Penny but I didn't throw up once with this once. However, I started having a really bad dry cough that felt like I was about to throw up (even though I never did) and that lasted the entire pregnancy (and is still lingering a little). I would also get winded really easily and had a hard time getting the motivation to walk upstairs. My heartburn was not horrible but definitely unpleasant and I certainly didn't have a lot of energy. As I had done with Penny, I went on anti-depressants a few weeks before being full term to help with postpartum depression. Still, I was mostly myself but by the end, once I had checked off all my major baby to dos, I was so done and so ready for this baby to be born.

Whenever anyone would ask when I was due I would repeat the same mantra: March 4th but my other babies have been early so I'm expecting a February baby. Luke came at 38 weeks 6 days and Penny at 37 weeks 6 days and I had it in my mind that the trend for coming even earlier than the last would continue. I was just hoping I could make it past Valentine's Day because I've never wanted my kids to share their birthday with a holiday and Valentine's Day is one of my favorites. I also wanted the baby to be born in February because up until this point our birthdays have landed neatly in a row by month-- October, November, December, January and I felt it would be a shame to miss out on continuing the trend with the baby being due so close to February. 37 weeks 6 days rolled around and nothing happened and nothing continued to happen... I had an OB appointment at 38 weeks and was dilated to a 3 but with Luke I had already been a 4 at 37. It doesn't necessarily mean anything but I was a little disappointed. I asked the doctor if I could be induced before the end of February so we set up a date for the 27th so I was guaranteed to get my February baby. The doctor and I both thought he would come before that, though. That whole week I did almost everything I'd heard of to get myself to go into labor. Bryan's mom is even living with us right now waiting to move into her new home and we thought it would be perfect if he came in the night so we would just have someone here already. The Thursday night before my induction I thought I was having contractions. They were even fairly regular (4 minutes apart) but they weren't so bad I couldn't talk through them so Bryan and I decided to get some rest and assumed I'd wake up with more painful contractions later that night but instead I woke up later thinking, "Where did my contractions go?" So that was disappointing. It just so happened that Bryan's mom had scheduled a vacation before we ever found out we were pregnant for the following week. We finally just assumed we'd make it to induction day and that's exactly what happened.

Part II

The night before the induction my parents came and spent the night to be able to be with the kids while we were in the hospital so that was nice. Having family nearby is so wonderful. Bryan always gives me a blessing when I'm about to have a baby so this time he did it the night before. He blessed us to have no major complications but talked about my need to rely on the Savior. That felt a little ominous but I tried not to dwell on it. We got up and called the hospital to see if we could still come in and they told us to be there around 7:45. So I decided to get all dolled up since it was a planned labor. I curled my hair and did my make up and we drove to the hospital in such excited anticipation. It was like Christmas morning!

I got checked in and they asked me a million questions. They poked me three times before getting in a successful IV. That wasn't particularly pleasant. On advice from friends I opted to get an epidural right at the beginning and around the same time that was happening they finally hooked me up to pitocin. I don't even know what time that happened. My doctor came in said I was a 4 and broke my water and predicted it would be around 1:30 PM before the baby was delivered (but that he had my blessing if he came earlier) and that we should relax and get some rest while the pitocin and my body did their thing. Well, every time it seemed like we were about the get to rest for any length of time the nurse would come back in for one thing or another. The heart rate monitor kept shifting and being unable to pick up baby's heart beat so they put one in me that went slightly into his head. His heart rate would drop when I had contractions and so they decided to add more synthetic amniotic fluid back into me as a way to cushion him and that seemed to help his heart rate. The nurse joked that I had as many things going into me as was possible. I started to dilate quickly and they even took me off of pitocin to help yet again with baby's heart rate. I was a five and then before I knew it I was a seven and then I started to feel the pressure pretty quickly and before I knew it I was a nine and my doctor was back in the room and getting me ready to push. I asked if he had hair, as my other two both did, and he told me yes and that it was actually pretty light! I didn't push for very long and soon it became apparent what the reason for the heart rate dropping was-- the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck. The doctor was about to cut it but decided to have me push when I wasn't contracting and he was born then at 11:27 AM MST (3.5 hours after arriving at the hospital!). He was 7 lbs 6 oz and 19 inches long.The doctor unwrapped the cord from his neck and Bryan cut it. They laid him on my chest and we were shocked that he had red hair! I just remember feeling a great sense of relief and soon they took him over to do all their tests while the doctor stitched me up. 

I could sense that something was wrong while they were working on him, trying to get him to pink up. Bryan says when he came out he was "blue as a blueberry." He seemed to have swallowed fluid and was having trouble breathing. They tried giving him oxygen through a tube there but it wasn't working so they told me that they needed to take him up to the Special Care Nursery to do a CPAP on him. It was scary. They only let me hold him for the shortest minute and I didn't get to try to breastfeed him before they whisked him away.

I would have liked to have Bryan with me but more than that I wanted him with the baby so I sent him with them to watch over him and to text me about what was going on. Then, I was alone in the recovery room. It was a strange feeling. Minutes before this little being had been very much a part of me and suddenly he'd been taken and my biological need for my child to be near me was overwhelming. They got him hooked up to the CPAP and he seemed to stabilize. They said he just had a lot of gunk in his lungs and that usually with a longer labor and delivery it gets squeezed out on it's own before they have to breath on their own but with how fast I labored and then delivered he didn't have the time to do that.

In the mean time they got me wheeled over to my room and set up there and I immediately wanted to go up to the Special Care Nursery. They tested his blood sugar and it was low so they fed him a sugar gel paste and then I was able to breastfeed him for the first time.

Part III

After a short stay in Special Care baby was allowed to join me in the Mom & Baby Unit and it seemed like we were finally in our normal postpartum hospital time. Whenever anyone would ask if we had a name picked out I told them we had a list and we would decide for certain at the hospital. I had a favorite but we have always wanted until baby was born and we could see him/her to give them their name. His red hair threw us a curve ball and for a bit a name we had crossed off the list resurfaced. We narrowed the list little by little. We went back and forth between two names and finally didn't choose either and went with the original favorite because it was the only one that felt right. So, we named him Jonah Thurston Whitney. We had had Thurston picked out as a middle name for a possible second son since the dawn of our marriage. It's my dad's middle name and was his dad's before him. My dad had six daughters, though, so he never had the chance to use it. He is also one of the best men ever to exist, basically, so I felt strongly that I wanted to use it.

Things were going pretty well, I thought. All the nurses gushed over the baby and his full head of red hair. Bryan went home each night and slept in our bed rather than being in the hospital with me. He did that with Penny too but with Luke, since we didn't have other is, he stayed with me. The next day we had the kids come by to meet their new brother and we were just basking in our new baby. 

Breastfeeding was going decently and I'd had a good enough amount of sleep with him going into the nursery at night and only bring brought to me for feedings. He was a little jittery but they said that was likely from the antidepressants in my system and that it would wear off quickly. He took forever to have his first poop and the nurse had to help him along and by the point that he did have it he'd had enough colostrum in his system that it wasn't just a meconium poop anymore. The next night they performed a car seat test on him where he had to sit in his car seat for 90 minutes without struggling to breath. They do this with babies who have had oxygen issues. Well, he failed it. Twice. They did another test in something called a car bed that is for baby to lay flat in and he barely passed that. 

They also said he had high bilirubin levels and had him go under the bili lights. He also randomly had a high temperature, though that ended up dissipating It felt like one thing after another. The pediatrician said that we could still go home the anticipated next day but he'd have to get photo therapy at home for his bilirubin and go home in the car bed. I was a little stressed and sad but hopeful that we could go home. 

That night Jonah had kind of off feedings and it concerned the nurse who was helping us. For one thing he pretty much refused to nurse on my left side, just like Penny had. I always tried him on that side first and then switched him. Penny worked it out so I figured that would be ok but he also started eating for short amounts of time-- 3-5 minutes or so a feeding. He also just wanted to sleep and didn't want to wake up to eat. I saw the obstetrician on call and he said that since I was recovering well I'd definitely need to be discharged myself because insurance wouldn't cover more. The nurse came in later with a concerned look on her face and said, "So..." and I said, "Uh oh..." She told us that they were still concerned about him and his rapid breathing and how he wasn't eating for very long amounts of time. They didn't think they could discharge him yet but that I would need to be discharged. Since I was breastfeeding I was allowed to stay in the hospital but without care and that I would be discharged. I felt so crushed and I cried and felt like a failure at breastfeeding. He got to be in the room with us while on his bili lights but we couldn't hold him as much as we would like because he needed to be under the lights. 

Bryan went home early that night so he could take care if the kids because my parents had been doing it for days and we wanted to give them a break. That night he failed his car seat test again. I waited around for so long the next morning before seeing my baby and before anyone came into the room. I felt so lonely and lost and filled with a need to be near my baby. I hated how separated from him I felt. The pediatrician finally came in to talk to me with the same concerned look on her face that the nurse had had the day before. She said she had wanted to send him home and it seemed like he was a healthy, term baby but that something was off. He kept failing the car seat test and he had "desatted" and turned blue at one point (which no one had told me). She decided that he needed to go back upstairs to the Special Care Nursery. They also did an x-ray of his chest and tested him for all manner of infections, though his bilirubin levels had gone down so he no longer needed to be under the light. As I cried unashamedly in front of the pediatrician I said, "I feel like this is all my fault! I made him come earlier than he wanted by inducing him for no real reason." And then she wiped away that mom guilt in about two seconds by telling me that it was good we had induced him earlier and that if he'd gotten bigger and we'd waited that I would probably have had an emergency C-section. I'm so grateful for that peace of mind, at least.

Since we were going to the Special Care Nursery (essentially a level 1 NICU) I would no longer be staying in the room I had been in but instead sleeping on a couch in his room with him. While not terribly excited with the sleeping arrangements, I was happier to be with him at all times and to always know what was going on with him. The infections came back negative but the x-ray showed that he had a pneumothorax. The nurse explained to me that our lungs are like bunches of grapes (except really tiny) and that a small handful of those "grapes" had burst. It is essentially a collapsed lung, though that makes it sound more dramatic than it was. This could have been caused from too much pressure with the umbilical cord around his neck at birth or as an unfortunate side effect of the CPAP that caused a tiny rupture. She said that it would heal and quickly but it would need the help of oxygen. He was on 21% oxygen, which is just room air but he simply needed the flow to help him. They also had placed an IV in his head in case they needed to administer antibiotics for a possible infection but never ended up needing to use it. 

I was happy that he was getting the help he needed and that there were watchful eyes on him. During this time my milk came in and it wasn't the most comfortable experience. I pumped some just for relief. His nursing was a bit of a struggle-- he would take sometimes 15-20 minutes just to get the latch he would like and then he would eat for about three minutes and be out. The good thing was that when he was eating he seemed to be gulping it down and he continued to have wet and poopy diapers and was gaining weight. All were good signs even though I wished he would eat for longer so I could feel certain he was done. One thing that was really nice about our time there was that I happened to get the same day nurse and night nurse pretty much the whole time we were in there. It felt better to keep things consistent and they knew us and how our feedings were going, etc. On Saturday night Sandi got back from her vacation to Las Vegas and was able to help take care if the kids so Bryan could spend more time in the hospital with me. 

On early Sunday morning I was trying to feed Jonah and he was getting so mad at me that his heart rate was going so high and the machine started beeping like crazy at me. I was so scared and pressed the nurse button but they didn't come and I put him down and opened the door but there were no nurses to be found anywhere. I kept crying out, "help!" Finally one came and said it was okay, there was nothing wrong with him he was just extremely mad. I probably overreacted but when the machine your son is hooked up to starts blaring at you and no one is around to ease your mind it is a terrifying experience! During all this time he was hooked up to a cannula going up his nose and he was stuffy, which is a big part of why he was struggling with breastfeeding. The pediatrician was nervous that he had a cold and said that would prolong our stay by several days so she ran a panel on that. They took him off oxygen that morning to see how he did. If he could go 24 hours without desatting he could come home, as long as he didn't have a cold. Despite the good news, this was all an emotional time for me. It was Sunday and Bryan and I went across the street to a chapel and took the sacrament. It was really important to me because the words of Bryan's blessing to me kept coming back to my mind. It felt so good to be there and to feel the peace that the gospel brings. When we got back to the hospital we found out that he did not have a cold and the cannula itself had been the reason for his stuffiness. His second x-ray showed that the pneumothorax was gone but there was a little fluid around it that the pediatrician wasn't concerned about. If he could go the night without desatting he could go home the next day! Bryan and I were so happy that night and packed up a bunch of stuff to take home because we felt sure that it would be the last night. 

That night I woke up to hear his monitors continually beeping. He kept desatting and was struggling to recover on his own. Our nurse sadly decided he needed just a bit more oxygen and hooked him up for the remainder of the night, though it was the barest minimum of air flow to help him. They took him off again later that morning but the 24 hour oxygen free stipulation was reset. I was so crestfallen. I knew it had been a mistake to get my hopes up so high and it was extremely emotional for me. Bryan was unable to come be with me that day because we didn't have other childcare for the other kids. And speaking of, I haven't mentioned it until now but another emotionally difficult thing for me was feeling torn in two separate directions. I missed my older kids so much and wanted to be with them but didn't want to be separated from Jonah either. Luke, especially, had a hard time with me being gone. We came home one night for a short visit and he said, "Yay!!!!" when I came in the door and hugged me and I burst into tears. They came to the hospital a few times on my insistence because I missed them so much but it was pretty hard to have them there, mostly two year old Penny who only has one volume. So, he stayed with them and was going to join me in the later afternoon. My mom was out of town and my sister was coming down with a cold so there I was, on my own. I tried to comfort myself with hymns and talks about Christ and let Him be my companion that day. Around mid day one of my friends came to visit for a little bit and that was nice to have some company for a little while. Bryan didn't end up getting to the hospital until about 6:30 at night and it was hard! It had been an overall lonely and sad day for me with just a couple bright spots. I was emotionally an physically exhausted and I was trying to not get my hopes up about going home the next day. Bryan told me that he kept thinking of the concept of approaching a stop light-- some aggressive drivers try to speed through the light if it turns yellow but that whenever there is a stop light you should act as though you'll need to stop at any given moment. The night before we were trying to plow through the light only to have to slam on our breaks when it turned red but instead this night we would approach the light as though we would need to stop. Full of anxiety about what the night would hold, I went to sleep. Not long later I heard his monitors beeping. I got up and asked the nurse about it and she said not to worry, that she was watching it and that he didn't need to go back on oxygen just yet.

Morning arrived and his 24 hours were up. The pediatrician said we would be able to go home that day! However, he would need to do the car seat test one last time to see if he needed to go home in the car bed or not. The pediatrician said that if any newborn was hooked up to these machines they would probably desat sometimes as well. Breathing is just tricky for newborns but unless there is a need to hook them up they usually aren't monitored that way so they aren't kept. The fact that he would desat and recover was okay. 

One disappointing thing was that this was the morning that I had a new nurse who didn't really know us the way the other two had the whole time we had been up in Special Care. I fed him right before they were going to do the car seat test and then we were going to leave and get breakfast because I was too stressed to be there while it happened. After that feeding he kept desatting and the nurse was concerned and called a specialist to come in and check him out. In the mean time she switched his monitor to the other foot and his oxygen was totally fine. The monitor must have gotten kicked into a bad position or something-- something our other nurses would often fix and he would be ok. The specialist came in and checked him out and said he sounded good and so they went ahead to perform the car seat test. It was really disconcerting to leave after that desatting experience. The whole time we were gone I was full of anxiety that he would have failed immediately. I barely enjoyed my Kneaders breakfast and even had a hard time enjoying walking around Target! When we got back to the hospital he had a few minutes to go and I went to the bathroom while Bryan stood outside his door. He had a sad look on his face when I got back and said Jonah had been desatting the whole time he had been standing there. However, the nurse said he had done well for 80 out of the 90 minute car seat test and had only desatted in the last ten minutes and would recover on his own. That was encouraging! So we thought we were all set to go home, possibly with the car bed (but we had to hear back from the pediatrician on that) and were ready to be discharged. There was some confusion and we thought they were getting the car bed ready for us to take home if we needed to but apparently the nurse was about to repeat another 90 minute car bed test. We were getting so anxious to leave at this point. We talked to the pediatrician on the phone and she said that we wouldn't need to repeat that test since he had already passed it before but that for legal and insurance reasons, since he had been desatting in his most recent car seat test, she had to have us go home with the car bed. The nurses were trying to find one that hadn't expired even though I had had one in our room with me most of the time I had been in there and it had only recently been removed for some reason. It was incredibly frustrating. Finally, though, we were discharged and awkwardly got Jonah hooked up with the car bed and drove away from the hospital with our newborn baby... Not the best hospital experience I have had. Bryan said he gave that discharge experience 1 out of 5 stars. 

Of course, I am so grateful to all the doctors and nurses who took such great care of us while we were there. The end was rocky but I can't hold the confusion against them. Still, I used to drive by the hospital with a warm feeling in my heart about how Penny had been born there and how happy we had been there. I think that driving past the hospital will be a different experience from now on-- not because I'm not grateful but because it was such an emotionally traumatic experience this time.

End

We've been at home with Jonah for over a week now and things are going pretty normally at least for what this time of life is. We are all a little more exhausted and I've been dealing with pain from breastfeeding and out of whack hormones that always accompany the first couple weeks after having a baby. There are small things I work myself up to be worried about with him, especially, because of what he went through compared to my other kids. I thought Luke was going to be my hardest! Breastfeeding started to get better basically the first day we were home, though. He has stopped taking so long to latch and will eat fine on either side. He seems to eat for longer, though I don't keep track of it now that I don't have to because it doesn't help me to go with the flow. That's something I learned with my experience breastfeeding Penny which, while not perfect, did work! Luke continues to tell me how much he missed me while I was in the hospital. He likes to be helpful and to give his little brother gentle kisses. He's a sweet boy. Penny often says, "hold him" and every night when we ask her what she's grateful for (a nightly family tradition) she says, "baby Jonah." 

I have never chosen a theme word for my kids before but Jonah certainly has one and that is: unpredictable. He was conceived when we weren't expecting it, went against my instincts for gender, stayed in longer that were expecting, came out with red hair and then of course all the unforeseen medical complications. I just hope from here on out he's unpredictable in a good way! This one might give me a run for my money but he sure is adorable and we all love him so much. 

Penelope Luvera Whitney

Two Saturdays ago, January 28th, to our surprise we welcomed our daughter Penelope Luvera Whitney into the world at 9:27 PM MST. She was 6 lbs 10 oz and 18.5 inches long and we were graced with yet another full head of hair, this time very dark brown. I am still in shock and awe that she is here. I felt for a long time that I should still be pregnant and that has only worn off in the last few days. I was expecting (or at least hoping) for a few more days before her arrival. I mentioned in the last post that Bryan started a new job. I'm not sure if I mentioned that our new insurance wouldn't be taking effect until February. We still had private insurance but her early arrival meant things will be more expensive as it won't go toward the deductible of our new insurance and we'll have to add her to the private right before cancelling it just so her hospital stay and newborn check up are covered. Sigh. We prayed so hard that we could just make it there. Surely we would since she wasn't even due until the 12th, right? She had other plans in mind. I suppose I should start at the beginning...

Part I -- Labor and Delivery

Luke was born exactly when we wanted him to be. He waited until after Thanksgiving but came before his due date. I was 38 weeks and 6 days along with him when he came dramatically into the world when my water broke late at night and I was immediately already dilated to a 9! After getting to the hospital and getting an epidural, my labor slowed down. I pushed for an hour and a half before they had to use a vacuum to get him out all the way because his heart rate was dropping. The labor and delivery were about 8 hours but I was told that the epidural is what had slowed it down and that I'd have likely had him very soon after if not for that. Because of all this I was pretty nervous that my labor was going to go really quickly this time around and I worried that I might not even make it to the hospital! My doctor told me that if I was at all dilated at my 37 week appointment that they would schedule me for inducement at 39 weeks. When I was 37 weeks with Luke I was dilated to a 4 and 80% effaced so I was sure that I probably would be dilated this time too. This time at 37 weeks I was a dilated to a 3 and the doctor just said I was "very thin" and that I could "go into labor at any minute." Way to freak a girl out! But still, as I was further along with Luke at that point and kept him in until 38 weeks 6 days I felt confident that she'd be born in February still. We set an induction date for February 7th but the doctor (correctly, it turns out) didn't seem to think I'd make it there.

A couple days later I was lounging on the couch with Luke curled up next to me watching a show when I started having some low back pain and cramping. Because of what the doctor had said I started freaking out a little. I drank a lot of water to slow any cramping and took a warm bath. A friend took Luke out that morning so I could relax and take it easy and my sister came over later and cleaned for me a little while I would just lay in bed. I felt so lazy. I convinced myself that I was overreacting to my body prepping for delivery. Still, Bryan and I made plans for if I were to go into labor while he was at work.

The next day Bryan came home from work early because there was a gas leak in his building. My neighbor saw him drive by and texted me, "Are you in labor???" I laughed a lot at that but looking back at when she did come, I realize it was entirely plausible. We spent the day getting things ready. We went to Costco and got a car wash and cleaned out the car. I gave both boys hair cuts. The next day was a very normal day, too. We went to Target to get some things and I picked up a larger temple dress from my friend, since we had planned to go to the temple the next day. I jokingly (but kind of seriously) mentioned I was nervous about going into labor at the temple.

Saturday has generally been my day to sleep in, which I would usually do until about 9. This morning, however, I started having some low back pain around 8 and couldn't fall back to sleep. I immediately took a warm bath, assuming that would settle things down and then we could get ready and go to the temple. I was very determined to go since I knew it would be my last chance for a while. Well the back pain did not abate so I took to pacing around my family room to get it to stop. It seemed to help and I felt confident that at least by afternoon I'd be all ready to go to the temple. Well, after a while of pacing I got tired and decided I wanted to sit down and when I did so I started having some cramping. A couple of trips to the bathroom had me more freaked out that this might really be happening so I called the on call OB/Gyn to let her know what was going on and see what I should do. She said I could be going into labor but the bathroom trips were not definite indicators and that I needed to time my cramping/contractions.

At this point my cramping intensified into noticeable contractions but they were irregular in timing. Some would come only every 7 minutes or so and others would be only 3 minutes apart! This was such a novel experience for me, Luke having been such a sure labor, and I had no idea if I should just go to the hospital and risk being turned away or wait it out. I called labor and delivery at the hospital and explained what was going on and they said I'd better come in just to be safe. I calmly finished packing my hospital bag and got ready while Bryan took Luke to the neighbor's house and then we calmly drove the the hospital, interrupted only by the occasional uncomfortable but manageable contraction. It was so surreal-- I had prepared myself for the possibility of another rush to the hospital but I had not prepared myself for how smoothly it was going and in that way it blew me away.

We got to the hospital and instead of collapsing in the parking lot and needing a wheelchair to get me up to triage we made our way quietly up, got to the desk and I said, "Um, I think I'm in labor?" They got me checked into a room and hooked up to all manner of monitors. They checked my dilation and I was at a 4-- they said they would leave me for an hour and if I'd progressed at all they would admit me. Over the next hour we rested and talked to family. We weren't even sure if we would be staying-- if this was it. My contractions seemed to get stronger too and I started to not care about whether or not it was February-- I was nervous to go home feeling that level of pain and if it was going to happen it just needed to happen. When they came back in an hour later I was a 5 and so they decided to go ahead and keep me! This time they hooked me up to the IV that would slowly give me the penicillin I needed to combat being Group B Strep positive. We called my parents to go pick Luke up and take him home to care for him during the hospital stay.

"This is really happening right now."

I asked the nurse when I should get an epidural, thinking I was supposed to wait until I just couldn't take it any more. She said, "Whenever you just don't want to deal with the pain anymore." Okay! I was definitely in pain and could tell I was about to get to the "can't take it any more" point when I asked for one. The anesthesiologist came in and got me set up-- Bryan later said, "It's a good thing you didn't see the needle he put in you. It is the biggest needle I've ever seen in my life." I didn't care, it was out of sight and out of mind and all I knew was that I could no longer feel my contractions, though I could feel my legs and feet more than I'd remembered with Luke. At first my heart was racing, I'm sure from the epidural, until it faded, though they did keep an eye on me for that.

Periodically the nurses would come in and fuss around me and check my dilation but for the most part we just relaxed for several hours as things progressed gradually and smoothly on their own. The doctor was going to come break my water at a certain point if it hadn't on its own but since I was progressing well she decided not to and not long later they checked me and I was an 8 and they informed me that my water had indeed broken on its own unbeknownst to me. From there I progressed even faster until the nurse checked me and said I was a 10 and asked me to bear down a little. She said, "Okay, are you ready to have a baby? She's eager to come." At this point, though I couldn't feel the pain of the contractions, I could definitely feel the uncomfortable pressure telling me it was time to push. We had to wait about ten minutes for the doctor to get in and then we were ready to go. I pushed through about three contractions for maybe five minutes and just like that, she was born. Again, a huge difference from the hour and a half of pushing and vacuum Luke needed. The nurses kept saying, "You did it all on your own!" but really I felt like she did it all on her own. She was just ready to come meet the world and got everything going on her own. It was an incredibly smooth labor and delivery.

First time holding my daughter.

Tiny baby!

Part II -- Postpartum Recovery

We had skin to skin time for a while in the labor and delivery room and then I decided to bite the bullet and try breastfeeding her. She refused to latch onto my left side but I calmly tried the other and to me surprise she latched right on and fed for a good 20 minutes! That was so encouraging to me since my previous breastfeeding experience was so traumatic. I went into it thinking I needed to be more relaxed and willing to go with other options if they were necessary. Before we even left the labor and delivery room we officially decided to name her Penelope, a name that we have loved since before we were even engaged. We had a list of "just in case" names, were she to come out seemly distinctly not like a Penelope but we were pretty sure we would go with it. Mostly we'll call her Penny. Her middle name, Luvera, is in honor of my maternal grandma. We like using family names for middle names.

Moving out of labor and delivery and to mother and baby.

Not long after they got me transferred to the mother and baby unit and the nurses were surprised I was up and moving as quickly as I was. I remember doing pretty well with Luke too, apart from needing a straight cath a couple of times before I was able to empty my bladder on my own. I felt so calm and like myself in the hospital. I was hoping it meant that I wouldn't have to deal with postpartum depression as I previously had. I was even already taking a low dose of zoloft in order to head it off. She continued to refuse my left side throughout the stay and instead of freaking out I would just pump it every other feeding and offer her the side she liked. Going back a bit, instead of staying with me overnight Bryan decided to go home in the evenings in order to be there for Luke so he left around midnight that night. I slept well in the hospital-- they brought Penny to me to eat when she needed to and my hormones didn't cause me to stay awake the way they had with Luke.

The next morning Bryan brought Luke to the hospital to meet Penny for the first time. We had been preparing him for his sister as best we could and talking about it all the time-- he seemed pretty normal and okay with everything. He was excited to give her a little stuffed elephant that I'd gotten at a baby shower. Soon after Bryan's mom and brother arrived and then my parents came as well. It was a packed room! Later that evening one of my sisters was able to come as well. So different from our stay in Boise where we had no family come to the hospital. We had a couple friends come and that was all. I thoroughly enjoyed my hospital stay, as I had with Luke. Maybe that's strange to say but I enjoyed only having the responsibility of feeding and loving Penny as well as recovering and being waited on hand and foot by nurses. We were told that we needed to stay for 48 hours for them to keep an eye on her for my GBS+ status so we assumed we'd be staying until Monday evening or Tuesday morning but my OB/Gyn said I could leave in the afternoon as long as the pediatrician said it was okay-- she did. It is always a little scary to leave the hospital with your brand new baby but this time I thought I would not miss the hospital as much as I had with Luke.

I think Grandpa loves this little girl!

Snuck picture of Luke holding Penny for the first time.

Bryan and his kids! He is such a good dad.

New family of four!

Big yawns, always sleepy!

Classic posed picture of Luke holding Penny

Bright eyes!

Lindsay holding Penny in the hospital.

Part III - At Home

We took another surreal car ride home with our new baby. My parents left and Bryan's mom and brother came back and stayed the night. That night my milk came in (previously she had just been eating colostrum) and she ate on the left side for the first time! I've decided that my crazy hormones kick in when my milk comes in because I haven't completely escaped the depression this time, though it has been much more mild this time so far and I'm already starting to feel more myself. My doctor even said that with the medication the first two weeks are hard hormonally. I feel I peaked around a week and am hoping it is slowly tapering off. Mostly when the sun would start to set I would get a weird and anxious feeling unrelated to any thoughts at all. For some reason that light outside really affected me chemically both times. I haven't had that the past couple of nights but I usually wake up feeling kind of weird until I'm able to get a shower-- that is my sanctuary. Physically my recovery has been very easy, pretty much like last time. I stopped feeling any pain from delivery shortly after delivery itself and only needed pain medication to help with uterine contractions as she breastfed but those are also gone now. I'm not completely back to normal, of course, but I'm not in any pain at least.

Grandma Sandi rocking Penny on her first night at home.

Breastfeeding is going mostly well. I think its impossible not to worry about how its going no matter how smoothly. There was one day that I started freaking out that maybe I wasn't making enough milk because I never get engorged but then Penny ate really well and I still had milk so I calmed down. I've been slightly nervous when she doesn't eat for the 15 or more minutes they said she should in the hospital but now I've stopped watching the clock and trying to trust my instincts when I feel like it's a good feed. Sometimes its frustrating when she falls asleep while eating and I'm not sure if she was full or just got sleepy. Last night she wouldn't eat on my left side again even though I had a lot of milk for her and I had a flashback to the way Luke would latch and unlatch and cry even though he was obviously hungry. I cried as I pumped that side-- reliving those feelings of failure. It was pretty emotional but then I read something online that said if their nose is stuffy that they sometimes have a hard time eating on one side or at all and I had remembered her nose being kind of stuffy. We gave her a little saline in each nostril and she ate fine on that side the next feeding. Each time is different-- sometimes so smooth and sometime a little more fitful. There are SO many variables that go into breastfeeding that make it scary. I'm trying my best to be laid back and just let things happen. So far things are going pretty well overall compared to my previous experience and I do feel confident I'll be able to continue but you never know what the future holds so I reserve the right to go to pumping or give her formula if that is what seems like what will be the best for us.

I forgot to mention that Bryan's new job gives him two weeks of paternity leave, which means I've had him home with me for the past week and a half. I have loved that. I'm never more clingy with him than right after I have a baby and it has helped so much in the sleep department. The first night was really rough-- my hormones had just started kicking in which made it really hard for me to sleep. Bryan also snores and I was unable to fall asleep before he started like I usually do. I didn't get much sleep that night. After that we decided to break the night up into shifts and have been doing that since. It's obviously not ideal but it has helped us both get a little more sleep. He takes care of her if she wakes up, other than feeding her, from 10-12:30, 2:30-4:30 and 7-9 or 10 when he gets up with both kids. All other times are my responsibility but I think he's doing his share by far. We try to put her in her bassinet and she does a little better than Luke did but is kind of restless so we've ended up bringing her into bed with us just like we did with him. Again, I never wanted to be a co sleeper but it's the only way all of us seem to get the sleep we need. However, we both don't get to fully sleep because we are so aware of her breathing and positioning. Last time I borrowed a baby sleep positioner from a friend-- two foam triangle things that he slept between on our bed but kept us from rolling on to him. We ordered one finally and it's supposed to arrive today. I am so excited and hopeful that it will help us all sleep a little better. Luke was in that for maybe two months before he moved to his swing and then his crib. I'm assuming things will go similarly with her. I guess only time will tell but she definitely loves to sleep. She is pretty rarely awake at all unless she's eating, honestly. Sometimes I feel like if she's awake she assumes she is supposed to be eating because breastfeeding can feel so demanding.

The last topic I wanted to address is Luke. He has definitely been acting out more to get more attention, usually being kind of destructive. Last week Bryan had bought a little chocolate cake at the grocery store as a treat for all of us. We all had a couple of slices but the following morning when Bryan was in the shower and I was nursing Penny he decided to shove handfuls of it into oven mitts and the rest he took upstairs and threw, piece by piece, over our landing. Pictures do not do this mess justice!!! However, he is still our sweet boy and I don't love him any less than I did before. I didn't really think I would love him less, even though that is a common concern with second time parents. I'm only sad that I don't get to give him as much attention as I used to. He is nothing but sweet to Penny and loves to help us get her diapers and things like that. He is going to be a great big brother and we love him so much.

Yesterday was the 7th, my induction date, and it's still so crazy to me that she's over a week and half old. I was so certain she'd be a February baby that every time I remember her birthday is January 28th it feels strange to me. Despite all the hardship and uncertainty that comes with having a newborn, we are both so overwhelmed with the deep and immediate love we have for this beautiful little girl. I'm so excited to see how her little personality will fit in to our family. We love you, Penny Lu!