Jonah Thurston Whitney

And just over a year later... Well, turns out a lot can happen in a year, including an entire pregnancy! As of my last post I had no idea I would be making this post a year later but here it is nonetheless.

Part I

One day in April or May Bryan and I were driving to the temple and he said, "We need to talk." Uhoh. He went on, "We need to talk about baby #3." I was a little speechless. Penny was around 16 months and I felt I had my hands full with two kids and a little part of me was thinking maybe I could be done and happy with just them. I really hadn't thought about starting to try again but we decided to think about it while we were at the temple that day and give it serious consideration. I remember sitting in the chapel before our session started just trying to imagine myself pregnant again or our life with another child and it felt scary but possible. The idea even seemed kind of exciting but still-- I was nervous. We decided we would stop birth control and see what happened. Bryan reasoned that since we have fertility issues that we likely wouldn't be pregnant for a long time anyway. I was hesitant to give into that reasoning because everyone says it happens when you stop trying. Still, we decided to move forward and not pursue any fertility treatment. I was ready to accept that I was only going to have two kids. But I bought a set of HCG test strips just the same to check on things every once in a while. 
We stopped birth control and for the first time in like two years, since being pregnant with Penny and breastfeeding and such, I had a period. A few weeks later on a Saturday Bryan's company had a Lagoon day. We spent the day going on fun rides with the kids and, because Bryan's mom came with us and was able to help with the kids, Bryan even had me go on a few roller coasters with him! 

The very next day was fast Sunday and, on a whim, I decided to take a test. I'm not sure why I did since I didn't have any symptoms-- I didn't even tell Bryan I was doing it. I walked into the bathroom and picked up the test and stared at two lines for a whole minute, I think. Bryan was laying on the bed in our room and finally I said, "Uh... this is a big deal." He said, "What, did you get your period?" I walked out of the bathroom with it in my hand and said, "I'm pregnant..." He had been resting and suddenly he snapped to attention and said, "No, you're not." I told him about the lines and he said, "It's because you're fasting, that's all. Eat something and take another one." I said that wasn't really how it worked and fasting actually made it more accurate but I acquiesced and with every test I took I continued to get the same positive result. We were floored because Luke took 15 months and a round of clomid to conceive and Penny took 13 months, 6 rounds of clomid and finally an IUI to conceive. This baby just decided it was going to exist! I hate to be a stereotype but we definitely fell into the category of, "Once you stop trying..."

We usually go over to my parents' house on Sundays for dinner and I was ready to announce it to them that very day but we had a family reunion coming up at the end of the month and Bryan wanted to wait until we could tell them all together. I did end up telling my mom first beforehand. She came over one day and I said, "I need to tell you something about Penny." (Trying to throw her off the scent so she could really be surprised) and then I said, "Penny is going to be a big sister." Bryan liked that approach so much he decided to do it with his side of the family-- only we were going to his mom's for a birthday party and he texted her beforehand and said, "We need to tell you something about Penny when we get there," which put her on edge for the hour long drive before we got there! Finally at the family reunion we were playing a game where we all wrote down a fact most people didn't know about us and everyone had to guess who said it. My sister was reading them off and when she got to mine, which said, "I'm pregnant," I saw her put it at the bottom of the slips of papers to be read last. Obviously, all the groups of people we told her so happy and surprised! 
For various reasons Bryan and I decided that this would be a good time to finish our basement. We had talked about it previously but upcoming baby put it on a faster track than other projects because our four bedroom house was making use of all four bedrooms with one of them being a guest room and we wanted to free it up for a nursery as neither Penny nor a baby would be able to share a room coming up. This was a very exciting project for us and every day we would go down to the basement to see what progress had been made. We love our finished basement so much! Not only do we now have an extra bedroom (and craft room) but we have a nice storage room and I feel more confident about the kids playing down there unsupervised and even taking the baby down to be with them while they play. 

From the moment we finally started telling everyone we were pregnant it seems like most of my friends were predicting it was a girl. My instincts were also telling me it was a girl and they had been right both times before so I felt fairly confident in my prediction-- though not confident enough to buy anything girl specific or paint the nursery (I had already decided I was going to paint it purple once we got the definite news that it would be a girl). I thought this could be the perfect end to the kids we would have. I grew up with all sisters and thought it would be nice for Penny to have a little sister and I was feeling like I might not be up for another baby after this. The only person who really, truly believed the baby was a boy was Luke... up until about three days before our ultrasound when Bryan changed his mind to think the baby was a boy. Well, obviously I was wrong. The moment the ultrasound tech told us that baby would be a boy I definitely didn't feel disappointed but a little thought saying maybe we would end up having a fourth came into my mind. Not that I can guarantee that baby would be a girl but I had been so sure we would be done after this and this was the moment that changed. We obviously don't need to think about that for a long time but it's on the table as a possibility. Suddenly, though, my mind shifted to start getting used to thinking of this baby as a boy instead of a girl. I'm glad we found out. I know it's popular to not find out with a tie breaker baby but I'm too much of a planner to let myself do that. 

Overall I had a very normal pregnancy as compared to my others. As with my others, I wasn't too nauseous but I did need to eat something right away in the morning before I could get up and move around. I think I threw up a handful of times with Luke and even less with Penny but I didn't throw up once with this once. However, I started having a really bad dry cough that felt like I was about to throw up (even though I never did) and that lasted the entire pregnancy (and is still lingering a little). I would also get winded really easily and had a hard time getting the motivation to walk upstairs. My heartburn was not horrible but definitely unpleasant and I certainly didn't have a lot of energy. As I had done with Penny, I went on anti-depressants a few weeks before being full term to help with postpartum depression. Still, I was mostly myself but by the end, once I had checked off all my major baby to dos, I was so done and so ready for this baby to be born.

Whenever anyone would ask when I was due I would repeat the same mantra: March 4th but my other babies have been early so I'm expecting a February baby. Luke came at 38 weeks 6 days and Penny at 37 weeks 6 days and I had it in my mind that the trend for coming even earlier than the last would continue. I was just hoping I could make it past Valentine's Day because I've never wanted my kids to share their birthday with a holiday and Valentine's Day is one of my favorites. I also wanted the baby to be born in February because up until this point our birthdays have landed neatly in a row by month-- October, November, December, January and I felt it would be a shame to miss out on continuing the trend with the baby being due so close to February. 37 weeks 6 days rolled around and nothing happened and nothing continued to happen... I had an OB appointment at 38 weeks and was dilated to a 3 but with Luke I had already been a 4 at 37. It doesn't necessarily mean anything but I was a little disappointed. I asked the doctor if I could be induced before the end of February so we set up a date for the 27th so I was guaranteed to get my February baby. The doctor and I both thought he would come before that, though. That whole week I did almost everything I'd heard of to get myself to go into labor. Bryan's mom is even living with us right now waiting to move into her new home and we thought it would be perfect if he came in the night so we would just have someone here already. The Thursday night before my induction I thought I was having contractions. They were even fairly regular (4 minutes apart) but they weren't so bad I couldn't talk through them so Bryan and I decided to get some rest and assumed I'd wake up with more painful contractions later that night but instead I woke up later thinking, "Where did my contractions go?" So that was disappointing. It just so happened that Bryan's mom had scheduled a vacation before we ever found out we were pregnant for the following week. We finally just assumed we'd make it to induction day and that's exactly what happened.

Part II

The night before the induction my parents came and spent the night to be able to be with the kids while we were in the hospital so that was nice. Having family nearby is so wonderful. Bryan always gives me a blessing when I'm about to have a baby so this time he did it the night before. He blessed us to have no major complications but talked about my need to rely on the Savior. That felt a little ominous but I tried not to dwell on it. We got up and called the hospital to see if we could still come in and they told us to be there around 7:45. So I decided to get all dolled up since it was a planned labor. I curled my hair and did my make up and we drove to the hospital in such excited anticipation. It was like Christmas morning!

I got checked in and they asked me a million questions. They poked me three times before getting in a successful IV. That wasn't particularly pleasant. On advice from friends I opted to get an epidural right at the beginning and around the same time that was happening they finally hooked me up to pitocin. I don't even know what time that happened. My doctor came in said I was a 4 and broke my water and predicted it would be around 1:30 PM before the baby was delivered (but that he had my blessing if he came earlier) and that we should relax and get some rest while the pitocin and my body did their thing. Well, every time it seemed like we were about the get to rest for any length of time the nurse would come back in for one thing or another. The heart rate monitor kept shifting and being unable to pick up baby's heart beat so they put one in me that went slightly into his head. His heart rate would drop when I had contractions and so they decided to add more synthetic amniotic fluid back into me as a way to cushion him and that seemed to help his heart rate. The nurse joked that I had as many things going into me as was possible. I started to dilate quickly and they even took me off of pitocin to help yet again with baby's heart rate. I was a five and then before I knew it I was a seven and then I started to feel the pressure pretty quickly and before I knew it I was a nine and my doctor was back in the room and getting me ready to push. I asked if he had hair, as my other two both did, and he told me yes and that it was actually pretty light! I didn't push for very long and soon it became apparent what the reason for the heart rate dropping was-- the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck. The doctor was about to cut it but decided to have me push when I wasn't contracting and he was born then at 11:27 AM MST (3.5 hours after arriving at the hospital!). He was 7 lbs 6 oz and 19 inches long.The doctor unwrapped the cord from his neck and Bryan cut it. They laid him on my chest and we were shocked that he had red hair! I just remember feeling a great sense of relief and soon they took him over to do all their tests while the doctor stitched me up. 

I could sense that something was wrong while they were working on him, trying to get him to pink up. Bryan says when he came out he was "blue as a blueberry." He seemed to have swallowed fluid and was having trouble breathing. They tried giving him oxygen through a tube there but it wasn't working so they told me that they needed to take him up to the Special Care Nursery to do a CPAP on him. It was scary. They only let me hold him for the shortest minute and I didn't get to try to breastfeed him before they whisked him away.

I would have liked to have Bryan with me but more than that I wanted him with the baby so I sent him with them to watch over him and to text me about what was going on. Then, I was alone in the recovery room. It was a strange feeling. Minutes before this little being had been very much a part of me and suddenly he'd been taken and my biological need for my child to be near me was overwhelming. They got him hooked up to the CPAP and he seemed to stabilize. They said he just had a lot of gunk in his lungs and that usually with a longer labor and delivery it gets squeezed out on it's own before they have to breath on their own but with how fast I labored and then delivered he didn't have the time to do that.

In the mean time they got me wheeled over to my room and set up there and I immediately wanted to go up to the Special Care Nursery. They tested his blood sugar and it was low so they fed him a sugar gel paste and then I was able to breastfeed him for the first time.

Part III

After a short stay in Special Care baby was allowed to join me in the Mom & Baby Unit and it seemed like we were finally in our normal postpartum hospital time. Whenever anyone would ask if we had a name picked out I told them we had a list and we would decide for certain at the hospital. I had a favorite but we have always wanted until baby was born and we could see him/her to give them their name. His red hair threw us a curve ball and for a bit a name we had crossed off the list resurfaced. We narrowed the list little by little. We went back and forth between two names and finally didn't choose either and went with the original favorite because it was the only one that felt right. So, we named him Jonah Thurston Whitney. We had had Thurston picked out as a middle name for a possible second son since the dawn of our marriage. It's my dad's middle name and was his dad's before him. My dad had six daughters, though, so he never had the chance to use it. He is also one of the best men ever to exist, basically, so I felt strongly that I wanted to use it.

Things were going pretty well, I thought. All the nurses gushed over the baby and his full head of red hair. Bryan went home each night and slept in our bed rather than being in the hospital with me. He did that with Penny too but with Luke, since we didn't have other is, he stayed with me. The next day we had the kids come by to meet their new brother and we were just basking in our new baby. 

Breastfeeding was going decently and I'd had a good enough amount of sleep with him going into the nursery at night and only bring brought to me for feedings. He was a little jittery but they said that was likely from the antidepressants in my system and that it would wear off quickly. He took forever to have his first poop and the nurse had to help him along and by the point that he did have it he'd had enough colostrum in his system that it wasn't just a meconium poop anymore. The next night they performed a car seat test on him where he had to sit in his car seat for 90 minutes without struggling to breath. They do this with babies who have had oxygen issues. Well, he failed it. Twice. They did another test in something called a car bed that is for baby to lay flat in and he barely passed that. 

They also said he had high bilirubin levels and had him go under the bili lights. He also randomly had a high temperature, though that ended up dissipating It felt like one thing after another. The pediatrician said that we could still go home the anticipated next day but he'd have to get photo therapy at home for his bilirubin and go home in the car bed. I was a little stressed and sad but hopeful that we could go home. 

That night Jonah had kind of off feedings and it concerned the nurse who was helping us. For one thing he pretty much refused to nurse on my left side, just like Penny had. I always tried him on that side first and then switched him. Penny worked it out so I figured that would be ok but he also started eating for short amounts of time-- 3-5 minutes or so a feeding. He also just wanted to sleep and didn't want to wake up to eat. I saw the obstetrician on call and he said that since I was recovering well I'd definitely need to be discharged myself because insurance wouldn't cover more. The nurse came in later with a concerned look on her face and said, "So..." and I said, "Uh oh..." She told us that they were still concerned about him and his rapid breathing and how he wasn't eating for very long amounts of time. They didn't think they could discharge him yet but that I would need to be discharged. Since I was breastfeeding I was allowed to stay in the hospital but without care and that I would be discharged. I felt so crushed and I cried and felt like a failure at breastfeeding. He got to be in the room with us while on his bili lights but we couldn't hold him as much as we would like because he needed to be under the lights. 

Bryan went home early that night so he could take care if the kids because my parents had been doing it for days and we wanted to give them a break. That night he failed his car seat test again. I waited around for so long the next morning before seeing my baby and before anyone came into the room. I felt so lonely and lost and filled with a need to be near my baby. I hated how separated from him I felt. The pediatrician finally came in to talk to me with the same concerned look on her face that the nurse had had the day before. She said she had wanted to send him home and it seemed like he was a healthy, term baby but that something was off. He kept failing the car seat test and he had "desatted" and turned blue at one point (which no one had told me). She decided that he needed to go back upstairs to the Special Care Nursery. They also did an x-ray of his chest and tested him for all manner of infections, though his bilirubin levels had gone down so he no longer needed to be under the light. As I cried unashamedly in front of the pediatrician I said, "I feel like this is all my fault! I made him come earlier than he wanted by inducing him for no real reason." And then she wiped away that mom guilt in about two seconds by telling me that it was good we had induced him earlier and that if he'd gotten bigger and we'd waited that I would probably have had an emergency C-section. I'm so grateful for that peace of mind, at least.

Since we were going to the Special Care Nursery (essentially a level 1 NICU) I would no longer be staying in the room I had been in but instead sleeping on a couch in his room with him. While not terribly excited with the sleeping arrangements, I was happier to be with him at all times and to always know what was going on with him. The infections came back negative but the x-ray showed that he had a pneumothorax. The nurse explained to me that our lungs are like bunches of grapes (except really tiny) and that a small handful of those "grapes" had burst. It is essentially a collapsed lung, though that makes it sound more dramatic than it was. This could have been caused from too much pressure with the umbilical cord around his neck at birth or as an unfortunate side effect of the CPAP that caused a tiny rupture. She said that it would heal and quickly but it would need the help of oxygen. He was on 21% oxygen, which is just room air but he simply needed the flow to help him. They also had placed an IV in his head in case they needed to administer antibiotics for a possible infection but never ended up needing to use it. 

I was happy that he was getting the help he needed and that there were watchful eyes on him. During this time my milk came in and it wasn't the most comfortable experience. I pumped some just for relief. His nursing was a bit of a struggle-- he would take sometimes 15-20 minutes just to get the latch he would like and then he would eat for about three minutes and be out. The good thing was that when he was eating he seemed to be gulping it down and he continued to have wet and poopy diapers and was gaining weight. All were good signs even though I wished he would eat for longer so I could feel certain he was done. One thing that was really nice about our time there was that I happened to get the same day nurse and night nurse pretty much the whole time we were in there. It felt better to keep things consistent and they knew us and how our feedings were going, etc. On Saturday night Sandi got back from her vacation to Las Vegas and was able to help take care if the kids so Bryan could spend more time in the hospital with me. 

On early Sunday morning I was trying to feed Jonah and he was getting so mad at me that his heart rate was going so high and the machine started beeping like crazy at me. I was so scared and pressed the nurse button but they didn't come and I put him down and opened the door but there were no nurses to be found anywhere. I kept crying out, "help!" Finally one came and said it was okay, there was nothing wrong with him he was just extremely mad. I probably overreacted but when the machine your son is hooked up to starts blaring at you and no one is around to ease your mind it is a terrifying experience! During all this time he was hooked up to a cannula going up his nose and he was stuffy, which is a big part of why he was struggling with breastfeeding. The pediatrician was nervous that he had a cold and said that would prolong our stay by several days so she ran a panel on that. They took him off oxygen that morning to see how he did. If he could go 24 hours without desatting he could come home, as long as he didn't have a cold. Despite the good news, this was all an emotional time for me. It was Sunday and Bryan and I went across the street to a chapel and took the sacrament. It was really important to me because the words of Bryan's blessing to me kept coming back to my mind. It felt so good to be there and to feel the peace that the gospel brings. When we got back to the hospital we found out that he did not have a cold and the cannula itself had been the reason for his stuffiness. His second x-ray showed that the pneumothorax was gone but there was a little fluid around it that the pediatrician wasn't concerned about. If he could go the night without desatting he could go home the next day! Bryan and I were so happy that night and packed up a bunch of stuff to take home because we felt sure that it would be the last night. 

That night I woke up to hear his monitors continually beeping. He kept desatting and was struggling to recover on his own. Our nurse sadly decided he needed just a bit more oxygen and hooked him up for the remainder of the night, though it was the barest minimum of air flow to help him. They took him off again later that morning but the 24 hour oxygen free stipulation was reset. I was so crestfallen. I knew it had been a mistake to get my hopes up so high and it was extremely emotional for me. Bryan was unable to come be with me that day because we didn't have other childcare for the other kids. And speaking of, I haven't mentioned it until now but another emotionally difficult thing for me was feeling torn in two separate directions. I missed my older kids so much and wanted to be with them but didn't want to be separated from Jonah either. Luke, especially, had a hard time with me being gone. We came home one night for a short visit and he said, "Yay!!!!" when I came in the door and hugged me and I burst into tears. They came to the hospital a few times on my insistence because I missed them so much but it was pretty hard to have them there, mostly two year old Penny who only has one volume. So, he stayed with them and was going to join me in the later afternoon. My mom was out of town and my sister was coming down with a cold so there I was, on my own. I tried to comfort myself with hymns and talks about Christ and let Him be my companion that day. Around mid day one of my friends came to visit for a little bit and that was nice to have some company for a little while. Bryan didn't end up getting to the hospital until about 6:30 at night and it was hard! It had been an overall lonely and sad day for me with just a couple bright spots. I was emotionally an physically exhausted and I was trying to not get my hopes up about going home the next day. Bryan told me that he kept thinking of the concept of approaching a stop light-- some aggressive drivers try to speed through the light if it turns yellow but that whenever there is a stop light you should act as though you'll need to stop at any given moment. The night before we were trying to plow through the light only to have to slam on our breaks when it turned red but instead this night we would approach the light as though we would need to stop. Full of anxiety about what the night would hold, I went to sleep. Not long later I heard his monitors beeping. I got up and asked the nurse about it and she said not to worry, that she was watching it and that he didn't need to go back on oxygen just yet.

Morning arrived and his 24 hours were up. The pediatrician said we would be able to go home that day! However, he would need to do the car seat test one last time to see if he needed to go home in the car bed or not. The pediatrician said that if any newborn was hooked up to these machines they would probably desat sometimes as well. Breathing is just tricky for newborns but unless there is a need to hook them up they usually aren't monitored that way so they aren't kept. The fact that he would desat and recover was okay. 

One disappointing thing was that this was the morning that I had a new nurse who didn't really know us the way the other two had the whole time we had been up in Special Care. I fed him right before they were going to do the car seat test and then we were going to leave and get breakfast because I was too stressed to be there while it happened. After that feeding he kept desatting and the nurse was concerned and called a specialist to come in and check him out. In the mean time she switched his monitor to the other foot and his oxygen was totally fine. The monitor must have gotten kicked into a bad position or something-- something our other nurses would often fix and he would be ok. The specialist came in and checked him out and said he sounded good and so they went ahead to perform the car seat test. It was really disconcerting to leave after that desatting experience. The whole time we were gone I was full of anxiety that he would have failed immediately. I barely enjoyed my Kneaders breakfast and even had a hard time enjoying walking around Target! When we got back to the hospital he had a few minutes to go and I went to the bathroom while Bryan stood outside his door. He had a sad look on his face when I got back and said Jonah had been desatting the whole time he had been standing there. However, the nurse said he had done well for 80 out of the 90 minute car seat test and had only desatted in the last ten minutes and would recover on his own. That was encouraging! So we thought we were all set to go home, possibly with the car bed (but we had to hear back from the pediatrician on that) and were ready to be discharged. There was some confusion and we thought they were getting the car bed ready for us to take home if we needed to but apparently the nurse was about to repeat another 90 minute car bed test. We were getting so anxious to leave at this point. We talked to the pediatrician on the phone and she said that we wouldn't need to repeat that test since he had already passed it before but that for legal and insurance reasons, since he had been desatting in his most recent car seat test, she had to have us go home with the car bed. The nurses were trying to find one that hadn't expired even though I had had one in our room with me most of the time I had been in there and it had only recently been removed for some reason. It was incredibly frustrating. Finally, though, we were discharged and awkwardly got Jonah hooked up with the car bed and drove away from the hospital with our newborn baby... Not the best hospital experience I have had. Bryan said he gave that discharge experience 1 out of 5 stars. 

Of course, I am so grateful to all the doctors and nurses who took such great care of us while we were there. The end was rocky but I can't hold the confusion against them. Still, I used to drive by the hospital with a warm feeling in my heart about how Penny had been born there and how happy we had been there. I think that driving past the hospital will be a different experience from now on-- not because I'm not grateful but because it was such an emotionally traumatic experience this time.

End

We've been at home with Jonah for over a week now and things are going pretty normally at least for what this time of life is. We are all a little more exhausted and I've been dealing with pain from breastfeeding and out of whack hormones that always accompany the first couple weeks after having a baby. There are small things I work myself up to be worried about with him, especially, because of what he went through compared to my other kids. I thought Luke was going to be my hardest! Breastfeeding started to get better basically the first day we were home, though. He has stopped taking so long to latch and will eat fine on either side. He seems to eat for longer, though I don't keep track of it now that I don't have to because it doesn't help me to go with the flow. That's something I learned with my experience breastfeeding Penny which, while not perfect, did work! Luke continues to tell me how much he missed me while I was in the hospital. He likes to be helpful and to give his little brother gentle kisses. He's a sweet boy. Penny often says, "hold him" and every night when we ask her what she's grateful for (a nightly family tradition) she says, "baby Jonah." 

I have never chosen a theme word for my kids before but Jonah certainly has one and that is: unpredictable. He was conceived when we weren't expecting it, went against my instincts for gender, stayed in longer that were expecting, came out with red hair and then of course all the unforeseen medical complications. I just hope from here on out he's unpredictable in a good way! This one might give me a run for my money but he sure is adorable and we all love him so much. 

Luke Wallace Whitney

Though most of you know, we are so happy to announce that we welcomed our sweet little boy, Luke Wallace Whitney, into the world on December 1, 2013 at 8:29 AM MST. He was 7 lbs. 3.7 oz. and 20 inches long with a head full of brown hair (his most distinctive and admired feature). Those are the stats so stop here if that's all you care about-- the rest is about what led up to him coming and the aftermath. I've written it for friends and family to read but more so for me so that I can remember all the details in years to come.

Part I -- Labor and Delivery

Bryan and I were very particular about when we wanted the baby to come but we knew we had no control over it. We wanted him to come after Thanksgiving but before my due date. Well, on November 18th, Bryan's birthday, I went to my weekly ob/gyn appointment and was checked for the first time. I've written about that here before but as a recap, it was incredibly uncomfortable and they found that I was already dilated to almost a 4 and 80% effaced at a station 2. Bryan and I were a little freaked out and the check made me feel really crampy and I was worried that labor could come on any minute. That Friday we had tickets to see Brian Regan live and the next day we had plans with friends to see Catching Fire so we were really hoping he wouldn't come before then. In addition, our car was squeaking and we had an appointment the following Monday to get it fixed (which we were waiting on to install the car seat) and Thanksgiving was later that week, which I really wanted to be able to enjoy before the baby came. I put myself on a little self-prescribed bed rest, trying to take it pretty easy. Well, all those events came and went and the baby waited through them. Bryan and I then started wondering if we'd just been psyching ourselves out and that the baby would come after his due date, like so many others.

Here I am at 38 weeks:

On Black Friday I had some mild contractions and low back pain that started getting painful but that were irregular and alleviated completely by a brisk walk around the neighborhood. The next day we put all our Christmas lights up and finished decorating our tree and house. I started having some mild cramping and low back pain around 7 PM but it wasn't so bad and I assumed it was false labor again. It was comfortable enough that we went to bed assuming it'd be gone by morning. I was so afraid to go to the hospital and just have to be sent away. I'm not sure if I ever fell truly asleep but around 12:45 AM, laying there in bed, I suddenly felt a gush of water flood out of me. Sorry if that is too graphic for some! I was incredibly surprised because I wasn't expecting to have my water break since that only happens to about 15% of women. I was also grateful that my sister had warned me to put a towel under our sheets a couple weeks before. Well, immediately I said, "Bryan! My water broke!" and he woke up groggily still not quite sure what I'd said. We immediately got up and dressed and started packing last minute things for the hospital bag. I'm grateful I printed out a list of those things because I assumed that I'd be able to help Bryan pack between contractions. Instead I almost immediately fell to the ground in agony and he made a mad dash around the house getting everything together. When your water breaks you lose a cushion that was keeping you from feeling the full extent of pain, so I went from practically nothing to the worst pain imaginable within about 30 seconds. After at least five contractions that were more painful than I knew my body could experience, we got into the car and headed to the hospital. We called my parents and Bryan's mom on the way-- I had a contraction during the latter and the last part of our phone call was disrupted by me screaming at the top of my lungs.

When we got there, I had another contraction in the parking lot and collapsed to the ground. A couple who also happened to be outside ran in and had someone bring a wheelchair out to me. I remember when they checked me in at triage they had me sign some forms and give them my ID and insurance info and I just kept thinking, "I'm in agony here! Can we please hurry this up?!" Finally, they took me in and checked me and I was already dilated to almost a 9 (you start pushing at 10). I started panicking, thinking I'd missed my chance for an epidural and feeling really not sure that I could do it without one. The nurses bustled about hooking me up to IVs and started pumping penicillin into my body since I was/am a carrier for group b strep. They weren't sure that I'd get all of the dosage that I needed since I was progressing so fast. I kept asking where the anesthesiologist was, all while trying to breath through the excruciating contractions. The nurse would hold my hand and breathe with me and I would try to focus on staring into her eyes until each one subsided for a minute or so. They told me later that I did well breathing but I'm pretty sure half of the time my "hee hee hoo hoo"'s were pretty pathetic sounds as I tried not to cry out in pain.

After what felt like an eternity but was probably 15 to 20 minutes, the anesthesiologist came in and gave me an epidural. Honestly, I barely even felt that and then very shortly after the pain subsided and life was glorious again. Getting the epidural slowed down my labor a lot. It did what they called "laboring down" so I had time to get all of my penicillin dosage after all. I had been kind of worried about my being a GBS carrier so I was very grateful for that! Things calmed down a lot after the epidural. People stopped bustling around me and soon I had one regular nurse, Molly, coming to to check on me. She was so sweet and helpful and I felt like we were already good friends. She checked me at one point and was surprised to say, "Wow, this boy has a lot of hair!" Amazing that she could already tell that! Well, anyway, Bryan was able to sleep for a few hours on a pull out chair but I was only ever able to get as far as half asleep several times. My mind just kept racing. Around 6 AM or so Molly had me start pushing. It was pretty hard to do with an epidural since I couldn't really feel what was going on down there. I had always assumed that labor was mostly contractions with a little pushing at the end but I was pushing for at least an hour and a half. Molly's shift ended at 7 AM and she was disappointed to have to leave before I delivered-- she wanted to see this little boy and all his hair! I was sad to see her go and replaced by another nurse who, while nice, just wasn't Molly. She was kind of harder on me about pushing. I was trying my very hardest but, as I said, it was very difficult to focus my energy on the right area with an epidural. By the end, even with an epidural, there was so much pressure. It was incredibly uncomfortable! I would have been pushing for probably another hour but with each push his heart rate would go down and they decided to use a vacuum. They only had to do so once and then, with a few more pushes from me, he was born!

They placed him on my chest and, of course, I cried. It was so surreal to see this little guy that I'd felt kick inside of me. So surreal to know this was my son. We were truly blessed with an easy pregnancy and a labor and delivery without complication.

 Here I am just after Luke was born.

Part II -- Postpartum Recovery

Bryan and I were so amazed at how well behaved this boy was! He waited until after Thanksgiving for us but didn't make us wait too much longer, exactly how we'd wanted it. Bryan was pretty much immediately head over heels for our son. He's always been kind of nervous holding other people's babies but he revels in this. He is such a good dad to our son even already.

Well, they wheeled us in to our recovery room and sometimes I wish I was still there. I honestly didn't get a lot of sleep in the hospital even though Luke was taken to the nursery at night because my mind kept racing when I'd try to sleep, worried about taking him home. In the hospital I had amazing nurses who were all compassionate and I felt like I was great friends with each and every one of them by the end of their shift. I had a nurse call button so I had access to constant help and all these lactation consultants coming in to help with breast feeding. We were able to stay two days because they wanted to keep an eye on him just because of my being GBS positive. I was excited but petrified to bring him home. Bryan was pretty much ready to be done with the hospital after the first night, though.

We also had a hard time really settling on a name. I went into it thinking it would end up being Luke but we had a list of names as well in case he just didn't seem like a Luke. We waited until after his first bath to really see... and then we waited some more... it's hard giving a human being a name that they will go by the rest of their life! We always knew his middle name would be Wallace, which is Bryan's middle name (also the name of his great grandfather). Our family was getting so impatient to know his name and be able to tell people! Finally, I told Bryan we could wait no longer and so we discussed all the names and it all circled back around to Luke and so we officially decided for sure on Luke Wallace Whitney. The phone calls were made and the Facebook announcement went out. It was so fun to see the comments rolling in after that.

Finally, on Tuesday afternoon, we made our venture home. I've been really, really attached to Bryan ever since we had him. We're a real team now! 

 Luke's first bath!

 Not sure how he felt about that...

 Me and my boy after a shower and a little make up.

 Our new little family!

 Dad and Luke, both with parted hair.

 One of many phone calls to mom or one of my sisters.

 Can you tell I've been pretty emotional?

 Leaving in trepidation.

 Classic "Going Home from Hospital" Picture

Part III -- At Home

When we got home we kind of stood around not knowing what to do next. Eventually I fed the boy while Bryan went out to get my prescriptions. My angel of a visiting teacher brought us over dinner. And then the night came and we decided to sleep. I put Luke in his Pack 'N Play bassinet next to our bed when he was sleeping but he never could soothe himself in it. I don't think I slept a wink until somewhere around 3 AM when I asked Bryan to take him until his next feeding. So I got about two hours of sleep that night. The next morning Bryan and I had to take Luke back to the hospital to get a blood test for jaundice and then to his pediatrician. The pediatrician said his jaundice was high and had us go rent a "biliblanket" that he was to wear as much as possible. Basically it was a thin UV light thing that we had to have on his back that hooked up to a heavy box and then plugged in. Pretty easy to take care of a baby in... not.

My parents were coming into town that day and I was so overwhelmed-- I've never been more desperate to see them! Their plane from Denver kept getting delayed due to weather but eventually they got here. Bryan had to go back to work the next day so when the second night was much like the first I had my mom take him for a couple hours in the middle of the night. We had to go back to the hospital again the next day to get his blood retested. In fact, for all my talk of not wanting to leave my house for six weeks, we had to take Luke back to the hospital every day for a week to have his jaundice tested! That was so hard to do-- I just wanted my little boy to be healthy and every time I drove back to the hospital I longed to check back in and have the nurses take care of us. Finally, after about a week his jaundice levels started going down and we stopped having to worry about that.

In addition to that he would sleep well some nights and not others. We tried him in his swing and that worked for two nights, then we had him in his car seat and he slept amazingly but I got too worried about SIDS... I even let him sleep on my chest a couple of nights. My friend loaned us a baby positioner so he now sleeps in that in our bed with us. I never thought I'd have my baby sleep in bed with me but he seems to be comforted by my being nearby. The positioner keeps him on his back and keeps me from rolling over onto him.

Anyway, my parents stayed for a week and that was so helpful. My dad cooked amazing meals and my mom helped with laundry, cleaning and baby holding. I think the latter was her favorite. Luke is such a sweet and handsome boy-- it's hard not to want to hold him all day and stare at his little face. The day my parents left Bryan's mom drove in so again I had great help. Luke was circumcised the next day and Bryan took two days off of work to help with him since we all figured he'd be in a lot of pain. Usually they do this in the hospital but they wanted to see his jaundice go down and my pediatrician didn't have privileges at the hospital anyway, so we had to wait. Well, Luke actually did really well with his pain! He definitely slept a lot. We had to have him in diapers smeared with petroleum jelly for five days and that was the most annoying part of the whole thing. It was really hard to see Bryan's mom go on Monday-- she was so helpful and let me take as many naps as I wanted. Now Luke and I are at home together. Yesterday was rough because he is going through a growth spurt and seemed to be having a lot of intestinal distress. Poor little guy-- learning how to be a human being must be very hard! I'm glad I can't remember it.

Well, those are the facts of the coming home with baby story. However, there is another story that has been playing out alongside Luke's growth and development and it is a bit darker. My whole life my greatest desire has been to be a mom. Well, I think I've just about learned that the things we want most are always the hardest. Luke is a pretty easy baby but I've decided that even easy babies are so hard. There's the lack of sleep and the constant breastfeeding that are certainly difficult enough already. For me, though, there is more. I've been extremely emotional since he was born. This wasn't such a bad thing when, in the hospital, I started crying over how much I love him. Those were tears of joy. As we went home and life got obviously more stressful I started crying over anything and everything. It didn't take me long to realize I at least had what is termed "baby blues." I felt depleted and had a paralyzing fear of being alone at night when everyone else was sleeping and I was awake tending to Luke. The interesting thing is that I didn't feel badly during the actual night but in the hours leading up to it, usually starting around dusk. I felt great guilt and shame over having these feelings. This beautiful, miraculous thing had just happened to me. I'd been given the best gift I could ever ask for. Why was I feeling so poorly? I should be overjoyed (even if exhausted) at every second! I've had to remind myself that this isn't my true self. Those feelings are a chemical reaction to hormones resulting from giving birth. That hasn't made them any less painful or dark, though. As time goes on things get a little better each day. However, if you've gone through this-- I feel your pain. It is miserable but know that you aren't bad or flawed for feeling like this and it doesn't mean you don't love your baby. I certainly love my Luke so dearly. I love the way he melts against my chest when he falls asleep after nursing. I love kissing his cheeks and his head full of hair. I love to sweet sighs he makes. I love it when he's happy and alert-- his eyes get so big and sometimes his little mouth makes an 'o' shape. I love the real father that he's brought out in Bryan. Sometimes I catch him staring lovingly at Luke. It really makes me fall in love with him even more.

Well, that paragraph went from depressing to mushy fast. Anyway, I only mention all that because its real and other mothers, especially first time mothers, should know there are other people who feel this way. I didn't want to gloss over it because its been a big deal to me. Being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I can say that for sure now. You are told its hard-- you're expecting it to be hard but, man, nothing can prepare you for it. So that's life so far! Now, here are some pictures from after we brought Luke home.

 A few minutes after we got home.

One of very few sleeps he has had in this bassinet. 

His face looks so smashed in this picture. I don't remember it being this way. 

You can really see the yellow color in his face due to the jaundice in this picture.
Even his eyes were yellow for awhile. 

Night 3: Successful Swing Sleep (note his UV biliblanket glowing on his back)

Here is a better picture of the biliblanket. Bryan called him his "cyber baby" when he wore it. 

Luke and Grandma Laine!

"Thanks for burping me so much, Grandma."

My sweet, sleepy boy. 

My mom kept saying, "Get a picture of his face like this!" That's why shes in so many pictures with him.

So much hair!

So snuggly.

Finally, we decided to finish up the progression series with my 40 week picture on my due date. I still look kind of pregnant here but I'm not at all ashamed. I'm proud to have carried him for almost 39 weeks!