Breast is best... when it works.

Before I was ever pregnant (before I was even ever married) I knew I wanted to breastfeed my babies. Breast is best. It's drilled into our heads-- and it is true. I worry that at one point I was a bit snobbish about it. "Why would anyone not breastfeed? It's so much better for baby and mom in so many ways!" I think I assumed that most moms who choose formula over breastfeeding were doing so for selfish reasons. I sincerely hope that that attitude changed when I learned of friends and family who tried to make it work but just couldn't for various reasons. Thank goodness we live in a day and age where formula is an option! Babies used to die if they couldn't get the breast milk they needed for one reason or another. Still, though, I assumed it wouldn't come to that for me. I knew it would hurt at first but assumed that we'd get into the swing of things after a few weeks and life would start to normalize and fall into a routine. While most things with our sweet boy have started to settle down (he's a great night sleeper, for instance! And he's in his own room in his swing!) the breastfeeding never has.

When Luke was first born we had the obvious pain from trying breastfeeding for the first time and doing it pretty much constantly. I assumed that was normal and we'd get the hang of it, even though several weeks had passed and it was still hurting. My sister told me it started to hurt less for her around 4 weeks, so I thought it would be much the same for me and I looked forward to that day. Then one night Luke spit up blood. Of course, as any new parent would do, we panicked. We took him to the pediatrician and even had x-rays done of his esophagus to make sure there were no obstructions. There weren't, thankfully, and our pediatrician said she was pretty sure the blood was coming from me in cracks, even if I couldn't see them. She had me pump for a week and give him that milk as a way of making sure it wasn't coming from him. After the week we went back to breastfeeding but it was still painful and about a week after that he spit up blood again and so back to pumping we went.

Around this time I suspected something more than the usual was amiss and found out from a lactation consultant and then my doctor that I had a yeast infection. I didn't ever end up seeing any white patches in Luke's mouth so I'm pretty sure he didn't have it. I tried everything under the sun to get rid of it. Diflucan, probiotics, vinegar soaks, gentian violet... life was craziness. In the mean time we went back and forth from breastfeeding to pumping so many times that I can't even recall them all. It was a nightmare. Finally, after almost two months and in my second round of difulcan and with the help of vinegar soaks, the yeast infection went away. But it left behind some pretty severe cracks and I was still nursing through the pain, determined not to let myself be beaten. I felt incredibly stubborn and adamant that I would make breastfeeding work.

During this time Luke started eating very fitfully several feedings a day. He would often break off crying and refuse to re-latch, even though I could tell he wanted to. He would root around and when I'd give him what I thought he wanted, he seemed offended. We tried burping him, soothing him, giving him gas drops. We thought maybe he was teething but that ended up not being the case. The lactation consultant thought my milk supply had dropped so I started taking fenugreek but it continued. Then I read some information on oversupply and overactive letdown and that actually seemed to fit the bill. He would often come off coughing and sputtering. So I tried block feeding to decrease my supply but I actually don't know that I make all that much. To this day I still don't know what was going on.

A couple of weeks ago, around the time I was trying block feeding, the severe cracks I previously mentioned seemed to be causing me increasing pain with each feeding. I would often cry out in anguish when he would latch on. One day I broke down crying and told Bryan that I was terrified for the impending feeding that was hastily approaching. We decided to go back to pumping so that I could heal and then we'd get back to breastfeeding. That night Luke slept from 9:45 PM to 6:30 AM without interruption for the very first time. We were pretty convinced this had to do with a calmer and possibly more filling feeding experience. So I pumped for a week and felt like I'd healed enough on one side to try breastfeeding again... and it wasn't as painful as before but it was still painful... and I had some pretty immediate and intense bruising.

Well, I cried a lot that day. I really gave in to feeling like a failure. So many women can make breastfeeding work. Why, why couldn't I? Yeah, I know it's a two way relationship between mom and baby and that baby has to be doing things right as well. That thought didn't comfort me at all. I felt like I'd tried and tried and none of my efforts or innumerable prayers seemed to make anything better. I'd wanted this so desperately. I felt devastated that I might not ever get it right. I avoided thinking about going to formula because I felt so sad every time I thought about giving up this idea I'd built up my whole life. Breastfeeding is so completely emotionally charged and I've been clinging to it for dear life. I want to feel like he needs me for something that only I can give him. So, for now, we are exclusively pumping.

While seeking comfort on the internet I stumbled across this blog post. Perhaps the most profound statement she makes is this: "Breastfeeding is not the true test of motherhood." I feel like there is a lot of guilt, pressure and judgement out there regarding breastfeeding. Because of all the research done showing its many benefits some have become a little fanatical about it. Here is another blog post that has helped me come to terms with the way things are and to feel reassured. The most interesting point she makes is that we've kind of started to make breastfeeding an idol. As though it is the only true way and if you don't go that route that you won't bond with your baby and you might not even love him as much as a breastfeeding mom! Now of course I don't believe every breastfeeding mom feels this way, in fact most women I know are very sweet and understanding about these issues. A lot of them have gone through these issues. However, with all the emphasis put on breast being best I've come away with a general impression that I'm somehow lesser if I can't pull it off.

Well I'm here to say that my baby is a much happier baby and in turn I am a much happier mom ever since we switched to bottle feeding. Instead of raging and crying at the breast he is calm and often drifts peacefully into drowsiness or looks up at me with his bright eyes and smiles with the bottle in his mouth. As I mentioned, he sleeps much better too. These things have made all the difference in my decision to pump exclusively. If he'd been a happier eater, despite my pain, I would have sought ways to better his latch and fix the problem. I just can't argue with a happy baby so I've had to swallow my pride and accept this is what is best for Luke and for all of us. Pumping is inconvenient and oftentimes annoying but if that is what is helping my baby be happy then I'm willing to sacrifice a little convenience. My goal is to pump for three more months. At that point I'll re-evaluate and see if I can stand it much longer. Who knows, I might get into a good rhythm and it will just be a natural part of life. If not, though, I will make the transition to formula. And I've finally come to accept that and feel at peace in my decision.

No, in reality, it’s just a blip on the timeline of eternity. It’s just one tiny facet. And…dare I say: There are much, much more important things that factor into the well-being of your child than whether you use breast or bottle. - See more at: http://thehumbledhomemaker.com/2013/09/dear-mom-who-tried-to-breastfeed-and-thinks-that-she-failed.html#sthash.2TOPqrkS.dpuf

No, in reality, it’s just a blip on the timeline of eternity. It’s just one tiny facet. And…dare I say: There are much, much more important things that factor into the well-being of your child than whether you use breast or bottle. - See more at: http://thehumbledhomemaker.com/2013/09/dear-mom-who-tried-to-breastfeed-and-thinks-that-she-failed.html#sthash.2TOPqrkS.dpuf

No, in reality, it’s just a blip on the timeline of eternity. It’s just one tiny facet. And…dare I say: There are much, much more important things that factor into the well-being of your child than whether you use breast or bottle. - See more at: http://thehumbledhomemaker.com/2013/09/dear-mom-who-tried-to-breastfeed-and-thinks-that-she-failed.html#sthash.2TOPqrkS.dpuf

No, in reality, it’s just a blip on the timeline of eternity. It’s just one tiny facet. And…dare I say: There are much, much more important things that factor into the well-being of your child than whether you use breast or bottle. - See more at: http://thehumbledhomemaker.com/2013/09/dear-mom-who-tried-to-breastfeed-and-thinks-that-she-failed.html#sthash.2TOPqrkS.dpufHere

I feel like for months I've been praying to God and asking Him to heal me, to fix my problem, to make it work. I have to admit I felt a little abandoned by Him at times. Instead of things getting better they just kept getting worse! I had assumed that since I knew breast was best that that was how it was going to be and that God would make it work. I was trying for so long to force my will to be the right path instead of accepting His will. Eventually my prayers became pleas for guidance and for the courage to accept His will, even if that meant breastfeeding just wasn't going to work. It's taken a long time to really accept that but I think I have. I do still sometimes feel sad when I think about the fact that I'll likely never physically breastfeed him again. I console myself with the fact that, at least for now, he's still getting my milk and so I still have that emotional connection. And I do hope to be able to breastfeed my next baby. I've got a lot more knowledge and practice under my belt to start off with. We'll have to see. All I know is, the correct path is the one that is best for baby and no one else, not even me.

Luke's Blessing

Last weekend we had quite the family gathering here in Boise, ID. Our closest family is about a four and a half hour drive south of here in Utah, so we are used to being out and away from everyone. It was such a treat to have so many people visit-- more than I ever anticipated! If Luke knew what was going on he would be so honored to know so many people came to support him for his baby blessing! So that you can get a sense for how full our pews were on Sunday, here is the rundown on our guest list: my parents (coming from Maryland), sister Tammy (Utah) and her daughter, sister Stacey (Utah) and three of her boys, sister Hailey (Colorado), sister Lindsay (Pennsylvania) and her husband and two girls, Bryan's dad (California), his brother Mike (Utah), his mom (Utah), his sister Shelley (Utah) and her husband and two kids, our friend Jilleun and Kelvin (Utah) and then from in town our friends Lee and Suzanne and their baby, friends Loren and Erica and their daughter, two of my mom's friends and their husbands and her two cousins. Phew! There was alsoanother baby blessing and family in town for two baptisms! Our ward was packed!

Anyway, I love having visitors and hosting things so it was a lot of craziness but a lot of fun all the same. Five out of six of my sisters were there-- Natalie lives overseas in Qatar so that was quite impossible but we missed her so much! I really enjoyed showing off Boise and our new house and, above all, my precious baby.

As to the blessing itself, it was very beautiful. Apparently Luke started crying during it but I didn't hear it at all. I was hastily jotting down notes on the back of the program to remember what Bryan had said. One thing I will mention here on the worldwide web is that Bryan blessed him to have a love of studying and learning. That really stood out to me because that is so Bryan himself! He loves to learn and share what he has learned. It made my heart swell to think of my little boy looking up to his dad and being like him. It also makes me think he'll have an inquisitive personality, which is fun to imagine.

Lindsay snapped a few pictures of us in the pews just after the blessing, singing the hymn. 

After the block we hosted an open house in our home with a lot of delicious food. Of course chicken salad sandwiches from Costco were on the menu. No party is complete without them, in my opinion. The funny thing is that the three of us were gone for a good portion of the open house-- me pumping, Luke being fed and Bryan bring me food and such. When we were all done we got to talk to people some but then Luke needed a nap, etc. Life with a baby is crazy. 

Here we are with the Jaspersons (or Jasps, as I like to call them) before they headed home.

Tammy and Stacey had left by this point but I got a picture with Hailey and Lindsay.

Later that night, almost as an afterthought, we took a family picture.

This is a little out of order but here is one Lindsay snapped of the two of us. Somehow Lindsay's iPhone seems to take the best pictures of me rather than a normal camera. 

As soon as they had arrived, everyone was gone. Except for my parents, that is. They stayed a couple extra days and that was nice and relaxing. Especially the part where my mom rocked with Luke for two super long naps while I, in turn, also got a nap. That was wonderful. We also went and got some pictures taken of Luke is his blessing outfit and a few others. The photographer was very talented, very nice and seemed to have a magic touch with babies! I felt like we were good friends by the end of it. It was a great experience.

Well anyway, we are so lucky to have so many loved ones who care about us and our sweet boy.Thank you to all who came! We love you!
 

Rough Initiation

Luke is nearly two months old and since his birth we have experienced so many joys... But we've also many trials. This motherhood thing, while so so worth it, is so hard! I really thought things would start to normalize by now but that just isn't so. Is it really this hard every time or have I just had a particularly rough go? I really want to enjoy this stage because he's so sweet and cuddly and cute and I just can't stop kissing his hairy head but there have been so many trials. I've definitely had quite a few break downs. I'm a person who really hates drama but it seems that is my whole life right now. I don't want my blog to start to be some negative thing but some days a mother has to vent. If I write them all down maybe it will be like getting them off my chest and I'll be able to move on and endure well these trials. So, in attempted chronological order, here they are:

-Bilirubin
-Postpartum Depression
-Breastfeeding Pain
-Luke refusing to sleep anywhere longer than 30 minutes but in our bed or in our arms
-Luke spitting up blood
-Finding out the reason for the blood is that I've been cracking
-Going back and forth from breastfeeding to pumping three times
-Finding out the reason for the cracking is a stubborn case of thrush that has been hanging on for dear life
-Taking diflucan, probiotics and applying lanolin and them not working
-Realizing that lanolin has actually been worsening the situation, not helping
-Gentian violet and APNO not working as quickly as I'd hoped
-Luke getting super congested and disrupting his very tolerable sleep schedule
-Bryan and I getting severe colds...
-...followed immediately by food poisoning
-Luke crying while nursing during several feedings and realizing he is already teething (so young, I know, but there is an unmistakeable white nub starting to show more and more on his bottom back gums)

Okay, I sure hope I've gotten all my complaining out of my system and that things will gradually start to get better. Just to even things out and realize life isn't so bad, I'll list out some of the things I'm grateful for:

-A pretty easy pregnancy with almost no nausea
-A delivery without complication
-Luke being perfectly healthy when he was born
-A speedy physical recovery for me
-A generally mellow baby
-Already being back to my pre-pregnancy weight
-Bilirubin healing
-Help from parents and Bryan
-Going on Zoloft
-Luke not having too much pain from his circumcision
-A baby that doesn't have day/night confusion
-Having a barium test on Luke to confirm that the blood didn't come from him
-Breastfeeding pain getting slowly better from use of gentian violet and APNO
-Such helpful friends in my ward who are always thinking of me
-Advice from a friend to get teething tablets
-Luke starting to smile
-Luke starting to giggle
-Dancing around the house with my boy singing primary and Disney songs
-Having a good husband who really loves his son
-A husband that makes me laugh
-Support from Facebook
-An amazing and loving lactation consultant who told me my latch was good and not the problem!
-A visit from Grandma Sandi, Aunt Shelley and Luke's cousins on the Whitney side
-Having my sister, Lindsay, to call or video chat whenever I need a shoulder to cry on
-Skype chats with sister Natalie in the middle of the night when Luke won't sleep
-Texting with sister Hailey who also just had a baby and can totally relate
-Calling mom
-Being told things get better
-Luke's sweet and handsome face and the love I have for him

And now I realize, of course, that the second list is much longer than the first and that I have a lot to be grateful for. I need to stop focusing on the bad. All I can do is pray for strength to get through these things and hopefully I'll be a better person because of them.

Christmas 2013

A late Merry Christmas to all! We have been a little preoccupied this year and didn't send Christmas cards out. Most Christmases we travel to see family but, since Luke is so brand new, we spent our first Christmas in our new home actually at home! No family was able to come so it was just us three-- our own little family. It was a nice and simple day. We woke up and fed Luke and then we Skyped with my sister and her family, who live overseas in Qatar. My parents were there for Christmas so we got to talk to them as well. Then we opened presents!

Here are a couple of pictures of Luke with one of his few Christmas presents. I figured since I just gave him life and a nursery full of things to go with it that we'd be pretty simple. We got him a couple of board books and he got a few things from other family as well. We had all kinds of Christmas outfits for him-- here he is in his jammies! His feet are little Santas.

One of my presents was this beautiful Anthropologie apron! I have a closet full of aprons-- I love them! I also got some beautiful new cookware.

Bryan got this Zelda game, which he spent pretty much the rest of the day playing while Luke and I napped on the recliner next to him.

One of Bryan's gifts to me was this Downtown Abbey cookbook! Awesome!

We also got a family copy of The Book of Mormon, which is really neat. We got a lot of other really nice things from family as well! Thank you so much, everyone! We loved eveeything!

In the Whitney family it is tradition to have Eggs Benedict for Christmas breakfas. Bryan did it all and he did such a great job!

Luke and I in front of the Christmas tree. Yes, that's a little reindeer on his bottom. :)

We barely even celebrated New Year's. We went to bed at 9:30! I'm sure we'll be more adventurous when the newborn stage is over and we get into a good routine.

Luke is doing well and actually sleeps really well at night! We feed him around 10 and then he wakes up at 2 and 6 to eat but otherwise sleeps (and lets us sleep). We are blessed that he doesn't suffer from day/night confusion. We are having some issues with nursing that have been pretty stressful but that is a story for another blog post.

We hope everyone had a great holiday and we promise to send out Christmas cards next year.

Luke Wallace Whitney

Though most of you know, we are so happy to announce that we welcomed our sweet little boy, Luke Wallace Whitney, into the world on December 1, 2013 at 8:29 AM MST. He was 7 lbs. 3.7 oz. and 20 inches long with a head full of brown hair (his most distinctive and admired feature). Those are the stats so stop here if that's all you care about-- the rest is about what led up to him coming and the aftermath. I've written it for friends and family to read but more so for me so that I can remember all the details in years to come.

Part I -- Labor and Delivery

Bryan and I were very particular about when we wanted the baby to come but we knew we had no control over it. We wanted him to come after Thanksgiving but before my due date. Well, on November 18th, Bryan's birthday, I went to my weekly ob/gyn appointment and was checked for the first time. I've written about that here before but as a recap, it was incredibly uncomfortable and they found that I was already dilated to almost a 4 and 80% effaced at a station 2. Bryan and I were a little freaked out and the check made me feel really crampy and I was worried that labor could come on any minute. That Friday we had tickets to see Brian Regan live and the next day we had plans with friends to see Catching Fire so we were really hoping he wouldn't come before then. In addition, our car was squeaking and we had an appointment the following Monday to get it fixed (which we were waiting on to install the car seat) and Thanksgiving was later that week, which I really wanted to be able to enjoy before the baby came. I put myself on a little self-prescribed bed rest, trying to take it pretty easy. Well, all those events came and went and the baby waited through them. Bryan and I then started wondering if we'd just been psyching ourselves out and that the baby would come after his due date, like so many others.

Here I am at 38 weeks:

On Black Friday I had some mild contractions and low back pain that started getting painful but that were irregular and alleviated completely by a brisk walk around the neighborhood. The next day we put all our Christmas lights up and finished decorating our tree and house. I started having some mild cramping and low back pain around 7 PM but it wasn't so bad and I assumed it was false labor again. It was comfortable enough that we went to bed assuming it'd be gone by morning. I was so afraid to go to the hospital and just have to be sent away. I'm not sure if I ever fell truly asleep but around 12:45 AM, laying there in bed, I suddenly felt a gush of water flood out of me. Sorry if that is too graphic for some! I was incredibly surprised because I wasn't expecting to have my water break since that only happens to about 15% of women. I was also grateful that my sister had warned me to put a towel under our sheets a couple weeks before. Well, immediately I said, "Bryan! My water broke!" and he woke up groggily still not quite sure what I'd said. We immediately got up and dressed and started packing last minute things for the hospital bag. I'm grateful I printed out a list of those things because I assumed that I'd be able to help Bryan pack between contractions. Instead I almost immediately fell to the ground in agony and he made a mad dash around the house getting everything together. When your water breaks you lose a cushion that was keeping you from feeling the full extent of pain, so I went from practically nothing to the worst pain imaginable within about 30 seconds. After at least five contractions that were more painful than I knew my body could experience, we got into the car and headed to the hospital. We called my parents and Bryan's mom on the way-- I had a contraction during the latter and the last part of our phone call was disrupted by me screaming at the top of my lungs.

When we got there, I had another contraction in the parking lot and collapsed to the ground. A couple who also happened to be outside ran in and had someone bring a wheelchair out to me. I remember when they checked me in at triage they had me sign some forms and give them my ID and insurance info and I just kept thinking, "I'm in agony here! Can we please hurry this up?!" Finally, they took me in and checked me and I was already dilated to almost a 9 (you start pushing at 10). I started panicking, thinking I'd missed my chance for an epidural and feeling really not sure that I could do it without one. The nurses bustled about hooking me up to IVs and started pumping penicillin into my body since I was/am a carrier for group b strep. They weren't sure that I'd get all of the dosage that I needed since I was progressing so fast. I kept asking where the anesthesiologist was, all while trying to breath through the excruciating contractions. The nurse would hold my hand and breathe with me and I would try to focus on staring into her eyes until each one subsided for a minute or so. They told me later that I did well breathing but I'm pretty sure half of the time my "hee hee hoo hoo"'s were pretty pathetic sounds as I tried not to cry out in pain.

After what felt like an eternity but was probably 15 to 20 minutes, the anesthesiologist came in and gave me an epidural. Honestly, I barely even felt that and then very shortly after the pain subsided and life was glorious again. Getting the epidural slowed down my labor a lot. It did what they called "laboring down" so I had time to get all of my penicillin dosage after all. I had been kind of worried about my being a GBS carrier so I was very grateful for that! Things calmed down a lot after the epidural. People stopped bustling around me and soon I had one regular nurse, Molly, coming to to check on me. She was so sweet and helpful and I felt like we were already good friends. She checked me at one point and was surprised to say, "Wow, this boy has a lot of hair!" Amazing that she could already tell that! Well, anyway, Bryan was able to sleep for a few hours on a pull out chair but I was only ever able to get as far as half asleep several times. My mind just kept racing. Around 6 AM or so Molly had me start pushing. It was pretty hard to do with an epidural since I couldn't really feel what was going on down there. I had always assumed that labor was mostly contractions with a little pushing at the end but I was pushing for at least an hour and a half. Molly's shift ended at 7 AM and she was disappointed to have to leave before I delivered-- she wanted to see this little boy and all his hair! I was sad to see her go and replaced by another nurse who, while nice, just wasn't Molly. She was kind of harder on me about pushing. I was trying my very hardest but, as I said, it was very difficult to focus my energy on the right area with an epidural. By the end, even with an epidural, there was so much pressure. It was incredibly uncomfortable! I would have been pushing for probably another hour but with each push his heart rate would go down and they decided to use a vacuum. They only had to do so once and then, with a few more pushes from me, he was born!

They placed him on my chest and, of course, I cried. It was so surreal to see this little guy that I'd felt kick inside of me. So surreal to know this was my son. We were truly blessed with an easy pregnancy and a labor and delivery without complication.

 Here I am just after Luke was born.

Part II -- Postpartum Recovery

Bryan and I were so amazed at how well behaved this boy was! He waited until after Thanksgiving for us but didn't make us wait too much longer, exactly how we'd wanted it. Bryan was pretty much immediately head over heels for our son. He's always been kind of nervous holding other people's babies but he revels in this. He is such a good dad to our son even already.

Well, they wheeled us in to our recovery room and sometimes I wish I was still there. I honestly didn't get a lot of sleep in the hospital even though Luke was taken to the nursery at night because my mind kept racing when I'd try to sleep, worried about taking him home. In the hospital I had amazing nurses who were all compassionate and I felt like I was great friends with each and every one of them by the end of their shift. I had a nurse call button so I had access to constant help and all these lactation consultants coming in to help with breast feeding. We were able to stay two days because they wanted to keep an eye on him just because of my being GBS positive. I was excited but petrified to bring him home. Bryan was pretty much ready to be done with the hospital after the first night, though.

We also had a hard time really settling on a name. I went into it thinking it would end up being Luke but we had a list of names as well in case he just didn't seem like a Luke. We waited until after his first bath to really see... and then we waited some more... it's hard giving a human being a name that they will go by the rest of their life! We always knew his middle name would be Wallace, which is Bryan's middle name (also the name of his great grandfather). Our family was getting so impatient to know his name and be able to tell people! Finally, I told Bryan we could wait no longer and so we discussed all the names and it all circled back around to Luke and so we officially decided for sure on Luke Wallace Whitney. The phone calls were made and the Facebook announcement went out. It was so fun to see the comments rolling in after that.

Finally, on Tuesday afternoon, we made our venture home. I've been really, really attached to Bryan ever since we had him. We're a real team now! 

 Luke's first bath!

 Not sure how he felt about that...

 Me and my boy after a shower and a little make up.

 Our new little family!

 Dad and Luke, both with parted hair.

 One of many phone calls to mom or one of my sisters.

 Can you tell I've been pretty emotional?

 Leaving in trepidation.

 Classic "Going Home from Hospital" Picture

Part III -- At Home

When we got home we kind of stood around not knowing what to do next. Eventually I fed the boy while Bryan went out to get my prescriptions. My angel of a visiting teacher brought us over dinner. And then the night came and we decided to sleep. I put Luke in his Pack 'N Play bassinet next to our bed when he was sleeping but he never could soothe himself in it. I don't think I slept a wink until somewhere around 3 AM when I asked Bryan to take him until his next feeding. So I got about two hours of sleep that night. The next morning Bryan and I had to take Luke back to the hospital to get a blood test for jaundice and then to his pediatrician. The pediatrician said his jaundice was high and had us go rent a "biliblanket" that he was to wear as much as possible. Basically it was a thin UV light thing that we had to have on his back that hooked up to a heavy box and then plugged in. Pretty easy to take care of a baby in... not.

My parents were coming into town that day and I was so overwhelmed-- I've never been more desperate to see them! Their plane from Denver kept getting delayed due to weather but eventually they got here. Bryan had to go back to work the next day so when the second night was much like the first I had my mom take him for a couple hours in the middle of the night. We had to go back to the hospital again the next day to get his blood retested. In fact, for all my talk of not wanting to leave my house for six weeks, we had to take Luke back to the hospital every day for a week to have his jaundice tested! That was so hard to do-- I just wanted my little boy to be healthy and every time I drove back to the hospital I longed to check back in and have the nurses take care of us. Finally, after about a week his jaundice levels started going down and we stopped having to worry about that.

In addition to that he would sleep well some nights and not others. We tried him in his swing and that worked for two nights, then we had him in his car seat and he slept amazingly but I got too worried about SIDS... I even let him sleep on my chest a couple of nights. My friend loaned us a baby positioner so he now sleeps in that in our bed with us. I never thought I'd have my baby sleep in bed with me but he seems to be comforted by my being nearby. The positioner keeps him on his back and keeps me from rolling over onto him.

Anyway, my parents stayed for a week and that was so helpful. My dad cooked amazing meals and my mom helped with laundry, cleaning and baby holding. I think the latter was her favorite. Luke is such a sweet and handsome boy-- it's hard not to want to hold him all day and stare at his little face. The day my parents left Bryan's mom drove in so again I had great help. Luke was circumcised the next day and Bryan took two days off of work to help with him since we all figured he'd be in a lot of pain. Usually they do this in the hospital but they wanted to see his jaundice go down and my pediatrician didn't have privileges at the hospital anyway, so we had to wait. Well, Luke actually did really well with his pain! He definitely slept a lot. We had to have him in diapers smeared with petroleum jelly for five days and that was the most annoying part of the whole thing. It was really hard to see Bryan's mom go on Monday-- she was so helpful and let me take as many naps as I wanted. Now Luke and I are at home together. Yesterday was rough because he is going through a growth spurt and seemed to be having a lot of intestinal distress. Poor little guy-- learning how to be a human being must be very hard! I'm glad I can't remember it.

Well, those are the facts of the coming home with baby story. However, there is another story that has been playing out alongside Luke's growth and development and it is a bit darker. My whole life my greatest desire has been to be a mom. Well, I think I've just about learned that the things we want most are always the hardest. Luke is a pretty easy baby but I've decided that even easy babies are so hard. There's the lack of sleep and the constant breastfeeding that are certainly difficult enough already. For me, though, there is more. I've been extremely emotional since he was born. This wasn't such a bad thing when, in the hospital, I started crying over how much I love him. Those were tears of joy. As we went home and life got obviously more stressful I started crying over anything and everything. It didn't take me long to realize I at least had what is termed "baby blues." I felt depleted and had a paralyzing fear of being alone at night when everyone else was sleeping and I was awake tending to Luke. The interesting thing is that I didn't feel badly during the actual night but in the hours leading up to it, usually starting around dusk. I felt great guilt and shame over having these feelings. This beautiful, miraculous thing had just happened to me. I'd been given the best gift I could ever ask for. Why was I feeling so poorly? I should be overjoyed (even if exhausted) at every second! I've had to remind myself that this isn't my true self. Those feelings are a chemical reaction to hormones resulting from giving birth. That hasn't made them any less painful or dark, though. As time goes on things get a little better each day. However, if you've gone through this-- I feel your pain. It is miserable but know that you aren't bad or flawed for feeling like this and it doesn't mean you don't love your baby. I certainly love my Luke so dearly. I love the way he melts against my chest when he falls asleep after nursing. I love kissing his cheeks and his head full of hair. I love to sweet sighs he makes. I love it when he's happy and alert-- his eyes get so big and sometimes his little mouth makes an 'o' shape. I love the real father that he's brought out in Bryan. Sometimes I catch him staring lovingly at Luke. It really makes me fall in love with him even more.

Well, that paragraph went from depressing to mushy fast. Anyway, I only mention all that because its real and other mothers, especially first time mothers, should know there are other people who feel this way. I didn't want to gloss over it because its been a big deal to me. Being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I can say that for sure now. You are told its hard-- you're expecting it to be hard but, man, nothing can prepare you for it. So that's life so far! Now, here are some pictures from after we brought Luke home.

 A few minutes after we got home.

One of very few sleeps he has had in this bassinet. 

His face looks so smashed in this picture. I don't remember it being this way. 

You can really see the yellow color in his face due to the jaundice in this picture.
Even his eyes were yellow for awhile. 

Night 3: Successful Swing Sleep (note his UV biliblanket glowing on his back)

Here is a better picture of the biliblanket. Bryan called him his "cyber baby" when he wore it. 

Luke and Grandma Laine!

"Thanks for burping me so much, Grandma."

My sweet, sleepy boy. 

My mom kept saying, "Get a picture of his face like this!" That's why shes in so many pictures with him.

So much hair!

So snuggly.

Finally, we decided to finish up the progression series with my 40 week picture on my due date. I still look kind of pregnant here but I'm not at all ashamed. I'm proud to have carried him for almost 39 weeks!

A Nursery for Baby

Well, the time for baby to come is nearly at hand and I have his nursery put together for the most part. There are a few things I'd like to get but they will have to come later and aren't essential now. However, I thought I'd share a few pictures of the (pretty much) finished product.

Ta da! The quilt hanging over the crib side was the one I wrote about a few blog posts ago. My mom and I made that together. My mother in-law and I made the lanterns above the glider for my baby shower in Utah. I had the idea for a brontosaurus looking into the crib from a similar wall decal of a giraffe doing much the same. I talked to the Etsy store owner and she made this for me! I love the effect (though our walls are a little textured so it was a feat to get to stay stuck on the wall).

Here is baby's dresser and changing station. I am sad that the lighting was such that you can't see the final picture in the series. It goes with the stegosaurus one on the left (both from Target) and is of a blue brontosaurus. The middle picture was one I had the idea of from Pinterest and I made myself in Adobe Illustrator (what a wonderful 30 days it was to have that and Photoshop briefly). I also got the idea for the ribbons on the lampshade on Pinterest. Bryan's mom make the little polka dot brontosaurus and my sister Lindsay gave me the cute triceratops clock!

I love this glider. I could sit in it all day long. It is easily the most comfortable chair in our house and has such wonderful back support. We got it from Babies R Us as a part shower gift, part birthday gift from my parents. The quilt is another I made that was mentioned a few blog posts ago. I made the pillow with leftover flannel from the same quilt and applique material from the one on the crib. I'd like to get a small end table for the side of this for the baby monitor and maybe have a little book holder at the bottom.

I really wanted to have a pterodactyl mobile but I couldn't find one I liked. I had this idea mostly on my own with a few ideas from Pinterest. I used varying shades of green card stock and a pattern from Pinterest to make them and hung them from two embroidery hoops with fishing line. Then I put some felt clouds around those. 

I really like this closet organizer from Target, which is mostly the point of showing this picture. Eventually I'd like to maybe have a little white toy chest up against this wall. I'm sure the play center won't be a permanent fixture there.

Anyway, the mystery room from my house tour is finally unveiled! I hope you enjoyed seeing the pictures.