Before I was ever pregnant (before I was even ever married) I knew I wanted to breastfeed my babies. Breast is best. It's drilled into our heads-- and it is true. I worry that at one point I was a bit snobbish about it. "Why would anyone not breastfeed? It's so much better for baby and mom in so many ways!" I think I assumed that most moms who choose formula over breastfeeding were doing so for selfish reasons. I sincerely hope that that attitude changed when I learned of friends and family who tried to make it work but just couldn't for various reasons. Thank goodness we live in a day and age where formula is an option! Babies used to die if they couldn't get the breast milk they needed for one reason or another. Still, though, I assumed it wouldn't come to that for me. I knew it would hurt at first but assumed that we'd get into the swing of things after a few weeks and life would start to normalize and fall into a routine. While most things with our sweet boy have started to settle down (he's a great night sleeper, for instance! And he's in his own room in his swing!) the breastfeeding never has.
When Luke was first born we had the obvious pain from trying breastfeeding for the first time and doing it pretty much constantly. I assumed that was normal and we'd get the hang of it, even though several weeks had passed and it was still hurting. My sister told me it started to hurt less for her around 4 weeks, so I thought it would be much the same for me and I looked forward to that day. Then one night Luke spit up blood. Of course, as any new parent would do, we panicked. We took him to the pediatrician and even had x-rays done of his esophagus to make sure there were no obstructions. There weren't, thankfully, and our pediatrician said she was pretty sure the blood was coming from me in cracks, even if I couldn't see them. She had me pump for a week and give him that milk as a way of making sure it wasn't coming from him. After the week we went back to breastfeeding but it was still painful and about a week after that he spit up blood again and so back to pumping we went.
Around this time I suspected something more than the usual was amiss and found out from a lactation consultant and then my doctor that I had a yeast infection. I didn't ever end up seeing any white patches in Luke's mouth so I'm pretty sure he didn't have it. I tried everything under the sun to get rid of it. Diflucan, probiotics, vinegar soaks, gentian violet... life was craziness. In the mean time we went back and forth from breastfeeding to pumping so many times that I can't even recall them all. It was a nightmare. Finally, after almost two months and in my second round of difulcan and with the help of vinegar soaks, the yeast infection went away. But it left behind some pretty severe cracks and I was still nursing through the pain, determined not to let myself be beaten. I felt incredibly stubborn and adamant that I would make breastfeeding work.
During this time Luke started eating very fitfully several feedings a day. He would often break off crying and refuse to re-latch, even though I could tell he wanted to. He would root around and when I'd give him what I thought he wanted, he seemed offended. We tried burping him, soothing him, giving him gas drops. We thought maybe he was teething but that ended up not being the case. The lactation consultant thought my milk supply had dropped so I started taking fenugreek but it continued. Then I read some information on oversupply and overactive letdown and that actually seemed to fit the bill. He would often come off coughing and sputtering. So I tried block feeding to decrease my supply but I actually don't know that I make all that much. To this day I still don't know what was going on.
A couple of weeks ago, around the time I was trying block feeding, the severe cracks I previously mentioned seemed to be causing me increasing pain with each feeding. I would often cry out in anguish when he would latch on. One day I broke down crying and told Bryan that I was terrified for the impending feeding that was hastily approaching. We decided to go back to pumping so that I could heal and then we'd get back to breastfeeding. That night Luke slept from 9:45 PM to 6:30 AM without interruption for the very first time. We were pretty convinced this had to do with a calmer and possibly more filling feeding experience. So I pumped for a week and felt like I'd healed enough on one side to try breastfeeding again... and it wasn't as painful as before but it was still painful... and I had some pretty immediate and intense bruising.
Well, I cried a lot that day. I really gave in to feeling like a failure. So many women can make breastfeeding work. Why, why couldn't I? Yeah, I know it's a two way relationship between mom and baby and that baby has to be doing things right as well. That thought didn't comfort me at all. I felt like I'd tried and tried and none of my efforts or innumerable prayers seemed to make anything better. I'd wanted this so desperately. I felt devastated that I might not ever get it right. I avoided thinking about going to formula because I felt so sad every time I thought about giving up this idea I'd built up my whole life. Breastfeeding is so completely emotionally charged and I've been clinging to it for dear life. I want to feel like he needs me for something that only I can give him. So, for now, we are exclusively pumping.
While seeking comfort on the internet I stumbled across this blog post. Perhaps the most profound statement she makes is this: "Breastfeeding is not the true test of motherhood." I feel like there is a lot of guilt, pressure and judgement out there regarding breastfeeding. Because of all the research done showing its many benefits some have become a little fanatical about it. Here is another blog post that has helped me come to terms with the way things are and to feel reassured. The most interesting point she makes is that we've kind of started to make breastfeeding an idol. As though it is the only true way and if you don't go that route that you won't bond with your baby and you might not even love him as much as a breastfeeding mom! Now of course I don't believe every breastfeeding mom feels this way, in fact most women I know are very sweet and understanding about these issues. A lot of them have gone through these issues. However, with all the emphasis put on breast being best I've come away with a general impression that I'm somehow lesser if I can't pull it off.
Well I'm here to say that my baby is a much happier baby and in turn I am a much happier mom ever since we switched to bottle feeding. Instead of raging and crying at the breast he is calm and often drifts peacefully into drowsiness or looks up at me with his bright eyes and smiles with the bottle in his mouth. As I mentioned, he sleeps much better too. These things have made all the difference in my decision to pump exclusively. If he'd been a happier eater, despite my pain, I would have sought ways to better his latch and fix the problem. I just can't argue with a happy baby so I've had to swallow my pride and accept this is what is best for Luke and for all of us. Pumping is inconvenient and oftentimes annoying but if that is what is helping my baby be happy then I'm willing to sacrifice a little convenience. My goal is to pump for three more months. At that point I'll re-evaluate and see if I can stand it much longer. Who knows, I might get into a good rhythm and it will just be a natural part of life. If not, though, I will make the transition to formula. And I've finally come to accept that and feel at peace in my decision.
I feel like for months I've been praying to God and asking Him to heal me, to fix my problem, to make it work. I have to admit I felt a little abandoned by Him at times. Instead of things getting better they just kept getting worse! I had assumed that since I knew breast was best that that was how it was going to be and that God would make it work. I was trying for so long to force my will to be the right path instead of accepting His will. Eventually my prayers became pleas for guidance and for the courage to accept His will, even if that meant breastfeeding just wasn't going to work. It's taken a long time to really accept that but I think I have. I do still sometimes feel sad when I think about the fact that I'll likely never physically breastfeed him again. I console myself with the fact that, at least for now, he's still getting my milk and so I still have that emotional connection. And I do hope to be able to breastfeed my next baby. I've got a lot more knowledge and practice under my belt to start off with. We'll have to see. All I know is, the correct path is the one that is best for baby and no one else, not even me.
When Luke was first born we had the obvious pain from trying breastfeeding for the first time and doing it pretty much constantly. I assumed that was normal and we'd get the hang of it, even though several weeks had passed and it was still hurting. My sister told me it started to hurt less for her around 4 weeks, so I thought it would be much the same for me and I looked forward to that day. Then one night Luke spit up blood. Of course, as any new parent would do, we panicked. We took him to the pediatrician and even had x-rays done of his esophagus to make sure there were no obstructions. There weren't, thankfully, and our pediatrician said she was pretty sure the blood was coming from me in cracks, even if I couldn't see them. She had me pump for a week and give him that milk as a way of making sure it wasn't coming from him. After the week we went back to breastfeeding but it was still painful and about a week after that he spit up blood again and so back to pumping we went.
Around this time I suspected something more than the usual was amiss and found out from a lactation consultant and then my doctor that I had a yeast infection. I didn't ever end up seeing any white patches in Luke's mouth so I'm pretty sure he didn't have it. I tried everything under the sun to get rid of it. Diflucan, probiotics, vinegar soaks, gentian violet... life was craziness. In the mean time we went back and forth from breastfeeding to pumping so many times that I can't even recall them all. It was a nightmare. Finally, after almost two months and in my second round of difulcan and with the help of vinegar soaks, the yeast infection went away. But it left behind some pretty severe cracks and I was still nursing through the pain, determined not to let myself be beaten. I felt incredibly stubborn and adamant that I would make breastfeeding work.
During this time Luke started eating very fitfully several feedings a day. He would often break off crying and refuse to re-latch, even though I could tell he wanted to. He would root around and when I'd give him what I thought he wanted, he seemed offended. We tried burping him, soothing him, giving him gas drops. We thought maybe he was teething but that ended up not being the case. The lactation consultant thought my milk supply had dropped so I started taking fenugreek but it continued. Then I read some information on oversupply and overactive letdown and that actually seemed to fit the bill. He would often come off coughing and sputtering. So I tried block feeding to decrease my supply but I actually don't know that I make all that much. To this day I still don't know what was going on.
A couple of weeks ago, around the time I was trying block feeding, the severe cracks I previously mentioned seemed to be causing me increasing pain with each feeding. I would often cry out in anguish when he would latch on. One day I broke down crying and told Bryan that I was terrified for the impending feeding that was hastily approaching. We decided to go back to pumping so that I could heal and then we'd get back to breastfeeding. That night Luke slept from 9:45 PM to 6:30 AM without interruption for the very first time. We were pretty convinced this had to do with a calmer and possibly more filling feeding experience. So I pumped for a week and felt like I'd healed enough on one side to try breastfeeding again... and it wasn't as painful as before but it was still painful... and I had some pretty immediate and intense bruising.
Well, I cried a lot that day. I really gave in to feeling like a failure. So many women can make breastfeeding work. Why, why couldn't I? Yeah, I know it's a two way relationship between mom and baby and that baby has to be doing things right as well. That thought didn't comfort me at all. I felt like I'd tried and tried and none of my efforts or innumerable prayers seemed to make anything better. I'd wanted this so desperately. I felt devastated that I might not ever get it right. I avoided thinking about going to formula because I felt so sad every time I thought about giving up this idea I'd built up my whole life. Breastfeeding is so completely emotionally charged and I've been clinging to it for dear life. I want to feel like he needs me for something that only I can give him. So, for now, we are exclusively pumping.
While seeking comfort on the internet I stumbled across this blog post. Perhaps the most profound statement she makes is this: "Breastfeeding is not the true test of motherhood." I feel like there is a lot of guilt, pressure and judgement out there regarding breastfeeding. Because of all the research done showing its many benefits some have become a little fanatical about it. Here is another blog post that has helped me come to terms with the way things are and to feel reassured. The most interesting point she makes is that we've kind of started to make breastfeeding an idol. As though it is the only true way and if you don't go that route that you won't bond with your baby and you might not even love him as much as a breastfeeding mom! Now of course I don't believe every breastfeeding mom feels this way, in fact most women I know are very sweet and understanding about these issues. A lot of them have gone through these issues. However, with all the emphasis put on breast being best I've come away with a general impression that I'm somehow lesser if I can't pull it off.
Well I'm here to say that my baby is a much happier baby and in turn I am a much happier mom ever since we switched to bottle feeding. Instead of raging and crying at the breast he is calm and often drifts peacefully into drowsiness or looks up at me with his bright eyes and smiles with the bottle in his mouth. As I mentioned, he sleeps much better too. These things have made all the difference in my decision to pump exclusively. If he'd been a happier eater, despite my pain, I would have sought ways to better his latch and fix the problem. I just can't argue with a happy baby so I've had to swallow my pride and accept this is what is best for Luke and for all of us. Pumping is inconvenient and oftentimes annoying but if that is what is helping my baby be happy then I'm willing to sacrifice a little convenience. My goal is to pump for three more months. At that point I'll re-evaluate and see if I can stand it much longer. Who knows, I might get into a good rhythm and it will just be a natural part of life. If not, though, I will make the transition to formula. And I've finally come to accept that and feel at peace in my decision.
No,
in reality, it’s just a blip on the timeline of eternity. It’s just one
tiny facet. And…dare I say: There are much, much more important things
that factor into the well-being of your child than whether you use
breast or bottle. - See more at:
http://thehumbledhomemaker.com/2013/09/dear-mom-who-tried-to-breastfeed-and-thinks-that-she-failed.html#sthash.2TOPqrkS.dpuf
No,
in reality, it’s just a blip on the timeline of eternity. It’s just one
tiny facet. And…dare I say: There are much, much more important things
that factor into the well-being of your child than whether you use
breast or bottle. - See more at:
http://thehumbledhomemaker.com/2013/09/dear-mom-who-tried-to-breastfeed-and-thinks-that-she-failed.html#sthash.2TOPqrkS.dpuf
No,
in reality, it’s just a blip on the timeline of eternity. It’s just one
tiny facet. And…dare I say: There are much, much more important things
that factor into the well-being of your child than whether you use
breast or bottle. - See more at:
http://thehumbledhomemaker.com/2013/09/dear-mom-who-tried-to-breastfeed-and-thinks-that-she-failed.html#sthash.2TOPqrkS.dpuf
No,
in reality, it’s just a blip on the timeline of eternity. It’s just one
tiny facet. And…dare I say: There are much, much more important things
that factor into the well-being of your child than whether you use
breast or bottle. - See more at:
http://thehumbledhomemaker.com/2013/09/dear-mom-who-tried-to-breastfeed-and-thinks-that-she-failed.html#sthash.2TOPqrkS.dpufHere
I feel like for months I've been praying to God and asking Him to heal me, to fix my problem, to make it work. I have to admit I felt a little abandoned by Him at times. Instead of things getting better they just kept getting worse! I had assumed that since I knew breast was best that that was how it was going to be and that God would make it work. I was trying for so long to force my will to be the right path instead of accepting His will. Eventually my prayers became pleas for guidance and for the courage to accept His will, even if that meant breastfeeding just wasn't going to work. It's taken a long time to really accept that but I think I have. I do still sometimes feel sad when I think about the fact that I'll likely never physically breastfeed him again. I console myself with the fact that, at least for now, he's still getting my milk and so I still have that emotional connection. And I do hope to be able to breastfeed my next baby. I've got a lot more knowledge and practice under my belt to start off with. We'll have to see. All I know is, the correct path is the one that is best for baby and no one else, not even me.
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