A Year in Review

I am now the mother of a toddler. Yep, we made it through a crazy year. I've heard that the celebration of baby's first birthday is as much for mom as it is for him and I feel that is so true. If you've been following our blog for at least a year you should probably know that the beginning was rough. It is for everyone, in different ways. I'm pretty much terrified to have another newborn and deal with sleep and breastfeeding all over again-- but I know I will be very happy for Luke's little brothers and/or sisters to come when they do. I think about it all the time even though I know that is still a little while away. As my dad would say, I'm worrying about crossing bridges I haven't even come to yet. That's just me, I guess. I think I will always feel some degree of guilt over how breastfeeding went down with Luke, even if it works one of these times around. I'm glad the world is educating everyone on the benefits of breastfeeding but I wish there wasn't so much judgement from well-meaning moms regarding formula. I think you all know how I feel about that because I've been pretty open about it on here. I hope that my next baby isn't born in the winter but if that is what I'm given I'll gladly accept it. Hormones + postpartum depression + not wanting to leave the house + inversion made for a very emotional and depressing winter. Around March or April (after we'd gone to exclusively pumping and were able to have some sort of schedule) Luke and I started getting out of the house during the day and that made such a difference. Slowly life started to have a predictable pattern and I'd never realized how comforting predictability could be. Of course everything can't be predictable but overall things settled down. I started getting excited about sewing and crafting projects and that really helped that I could do something creative for me. Everywhere I would go people would gush to me about how cute my baby was and how much hair he had (that part has died down now that he's a year and a lot of babies his age also have a good amount of hair). He is so sweet and loves to laugh and smile. On the rare occasion he comes up to me, crawls into my lap and puts his arms around me I just melt.This is the biggest trial that I've ever been given because it is constant and forces me to focus solely outside myself-- but that is part of why it is also the greatest blessing I've ever been given. I've never felt so much nurturing love before. Just seeing his handsome face makes me smile.


Well, as he's the one who had a birthday I should give him a spotlight. To start, I took a picture for every month of his life (it wasn't always right on his month birthday... :/). Here's a little timeline progression.

He was born 7 lbs 3.7 oz and was 20 in long... now he's 23 lbs 7 oz and 30 in long! Wow! He has seven teeth (four up top and three on the bottom). He has had about 5 trims-full on hair cuts so far! In July I used his dad's clippers and gave him a huge hair cut! He loves to claps his hands and smile. He crawls up to things, pulls himself up and cruises around easy as pie. He has started standing on his own several times a day for a few seconds. He's going to be walking in no time. He likes to open cabinets and drawers and pull things out of it and still loves to put anything he finds in his mouth. He's said mamamamama and dadadadada for a while but its starting to seem like he knows what they mean. He still babbles them indiscriminately but sometimes seems to use them to get one of our attention. One of his favorite games is run from/chase dad around the house, up the stairs, anywhere. I can go up and down the stairs easily. He likes to eat string cheese, bread and cuties (little clementines) but does not like eggs in any form and is still wary of cow's milk. He likes to have books read to him and and turns the pages himself. He seems to like music a lot and seems calmed by it if he's upset. He has so much personality and love and humor and we are so grateful to be his parents! We are still in awe over him-- I can't believe we created him! This big boy once resided in my tummy.

Well celebrating Luke's birthday seemed tricky when I tried planning a bit ago. His birthday was this past Monday, right after Thanksgiving weekend where we'd just gotten home from being on the road and had no groceries in the house. I thought about having a little play date but his 12 month check up was right in the middle of the day and messed with that idea. I decided that we would just celebrate it early with family. We grabbed some pizzas from Costco and I made chocolate coconut cupcakes for everyone and a special little cake for him. We invited Bryan's aunt, uncle and cousins (one with a baby Luke's age) over and of course had Grandma Sandi, Aunt Shelley, Uncle Mike and cousins Ella and Ethan there. It was a lot of fun! We basically ate dinner, opened presents and ate cake. It was simple but that's what we needed.

On Luke's actual birthday he had his 12 month check up and it was fun to show off to Dr. Miller and see how far he's come. Then he and I went out to lunch together and I bought him a cookie that he enjoyed (with a little help...). That night we went out and bought our Christmas tree and then he got to open his present from us-- a cute little scooter. He doesn't quite get it yet but he was smiling so much when his dad put him on and pushed him around.

I can't believe my little baby isn't a baby. Time seems to have gone really slowly but also flown by. I think I say that all the time on here but I always feel that way. I'm so grateful for my little family and so, so grateful for my son who I have wanted to have for my entire life. Happy birthday, Luke! We love you dearly!

Goodbye, Pump.

Well, it's done.

I haven't pumped for over a week. I thought I'd feel more free than this. I mean, I do. It's so nice to not have to worry about making sure I'm home at certain times, confined to the couch several times a day. There are so many other emotions surrounding the whole issue, though. I'm pretty sure my friends are tired of hearing about it because I've talked about it almost nonstop for, oh, 5+ months. To my friends: I'm sorry. Hopefully this is my last rant.

Five months of pumping later and I still get depressed sometimes, especially during this winding down time. It doesn't help that this is National Breastfeeding Awareness month and there are posts all over Facebook about it. I often find myself thinking, "If only I had tried..." or "If only I had had the forethought to..." or "If I'd just been more patient." When those thoughts come I try to push them out of my mind because, even if they are true, I tried so much and I thought about it too much and one can only have so much patience sometimes, especially in a fragile emotional state. Now that I'm ending this stage (which I also feel kind of guilty for doing since I made it this far-- but having an end goal of 8 months kept me sane all those months) I can't stop thinking about how I'll go about it the next time around. I literally could not fall asleep a few nights ago until I jotted all my ideas (notes to my future pregnant self) that I didn't want to forget. 

I also feel a guilt that if I do succeed next time around what if Luke feels gypped somehow? The answer is he won't care or know but, as his mom, I feel protective of his feelings even if they are feelings that I'm having for him... and far too far in advance. I guess the underlying feeling is that I never want him to think I didn't love him as much as his sibling to really make it work. I feel guilty that he had the be the trial run baby, but that's just how it goes with first born children. I know I've learned a lot and I know things now that will help me next time (regardless of the "every child is different" mantra we all repeat). Most importantly, I know what to expect of myself.

I've learned that, though breast is best, formula is great and that the most important thing is that your child is healthy and happy. I know my freezer stash won't last us until he's a year so I expect to transition to formula and I'm totally okay with that. To be honest, it took me a little while to be okay with it, though. Now I live by the phrase, "Breastfeeding isn't the true test of motherhood."

One last guilt: I feel guilty that I've become so consumed by this issue. I mentioned above that I've talked about it a lot. Sometimes I worry that I'm too selfish-- that I talk over people about my own problems instead of really listening to them about theirs. I don't want to be that person. I'm sorry if I've been that person to you. I promise I'm trying to be a better me.

And now, to borrow an, er, overly popular phrase I know I must let it goooooooo, let it goooooooo.... let go of my guilt and move on. Thank you to everyone who has been so loving and supportive to me during this time. I'm grateful to have wonderful friends and family and I love you guys.

Breast is best... when it works.

Before I was ever pregnant (before I was even ever married) I knew I wanted to breastfeed my babies. Breast is best. It's drilled into our heads-- and it is true. I worry that at one point I was a bit snobbish about it. "Why would anyone not breastfeed? It's so much better for baby and mom in so many ways!" I think I assumed that most moms who choose formula over breastfeeding were doing so for selfish reasons. I sincerely hope that that attitude changed when I learned of friends and family who tried to make it work but just couldn't for various reasons. Thank goodness we live in a day and age where formula is an option! Babies used to die if they couldn't get the breast milk they needed for one reason or another. Still, though, I assumed it wouldn't come to that for me. I knew it would hurt at first but assumed that we'd get into the swing of things after a few weeks and life would start to normalize and fall into a routine. While most things with our sweet boy have started to settle down (he's a great night sleeper, for instance! And he's in his own room in his swing!) the breastfeeding never has.

When Luke was first born we had the obvious pain from trying breastfeeding for the first time and doing it pretty much constantly. I assumed that was normal and we'd get the hang of it, even though several weeks had passed and it was still hurting. My sister told me it started to hurt less for her around 4 weeks, so I thought it would be much the same for me and I looked forward to that day. Then one night Luke spit up blood. Of course, as any new parent would do, we panicked. We took him to the pediatrician and even had x-rays done of his esophagus to make sure there were no obstructions. There weren't, thankfully, and our pediatrician said she was pretty sure the blood was coming from me in cracks, even if I couldn't see them. She had me pump for a week and give him that milk as a way of making sure it wasn't coming from him. After the week we went back to breastfeeding but it was still painful and about a week after that he spit up blood again and so back to pumping we went.

Around this time I suspected something more than the usual was amiss and found out from a lactation consultant and then my doctor that I had a yeast infection. I didn't ever end up seeing any white patches in Luke's mouth so I'm pretty sure he didn't have it. I tried everything under the sun to get rid of it. Diflucan, probiotics, vinegar soaks, gentian violet... life was craziness. In the mean time we went back and forth from breastfeeding to pumping so many times that I can't even recall them all. It was a nightmare. Finally, after almost two months and in my second round of difulcan and with the help of vinegar soaks, the yeast infection went away. But it left behind some pretty severe cracks and I was still nursing through the pain, determined not to let myself be beaten. I felt incredibly stubborn and adamant that I would make breastfeeding work.

During this time Luke started eating very fitfully several feedings a day. He would often break off crying and refuse to re-latch, even though I could tell he wanted to. He would root around and when I'd give him what I thought he wanted, he seemed offended. We tried burping him, soothing him, giving him gas drops. We thought maybe he was teething but that ended up not being the case. The lactation consultant thought my milk supply had dropped so I started taking fenugreek but it continued. Then I read some information on oversupply and overactive letdown and that actually seemed to fit the bill. He would often come off coughing and sputtering. So I tried block feeding to decrease my supply but I actually don't know that I make all that much. To this day I still don't know what was going on.

A couple of weeks ago, around the time I was trying block feeding, the severe cracks I previously mentioned seemed to be causing me increasing pain with each feeding. I would often cry out in anguish when he would latch on. One day I broke down crying and told Bryan that I was terrified for the impending feeding that was hastily approaching. We decided to go back to pumping so that I could heal and then we'd get back to breastfeeding. That night Luke slept from 9:45 PM to 6:30 AM without interruption for the very first time. We were pretty convinced this had to do with a calmer and possibly more filling feeding experience. So I pumped for a week and felt like I'd healed enough on one side to try breastfeeding again... and it wasn't as painful as before but it was still painful... and I had some pretty immediate and intense bruising.

Well, I cried a lot that day. I really gave in to feeling like a failure. So many women can make breastfeeding work. Why, why couldn't I? Yeah, I know it's a two way relationship between mom and baby and that baby has to be doing things right as well. That thought didn't comfort me at all. I felt like I'd tried and tried and none of my efforts or innumerable prayers seemed to make anything better. I'd wanted this so desperately. I felt devastated that I might not ever get it right. I avoided thinking about going to formula because I felt so sad every time I thought about giving up this idea I'd built up my whole life. Breastfeeding is so completely emotionally charged and I've been clinging to it for dear life. I want to feel like he needs me for something that only I can give him. So, for now, we are exclusively pumping.

While seeking comfort on the internet I stumbled across this blog post. Perhaps the most profound statement she makes is this: "Breastfeeding is not the true test of motherhood." I feel like there is a lot of guilt, pressure and judgement out there regarding breastfeeding. Because of all the research done showing its many benefits some have become a little fanatical about it. Here is another blog post that has helped me come to terms with the way things are and to feel reassured. The most interesting point she makes is that we've kind of started to make breastfeeding an idol. As though it is the only true way and if you don't go that route that you won't bond with your baby and you might not even love him as much as a breastfeeding mom! Now of course I don't believe every breastfeeding mom feels this way, in fact most women I know are very sweet and understanding about these issues. A lot of them have gone through these issues. However, with all the emphasis put on breast being best I've come away with a general impression that I'm somehow lesser if I can't pull it off.

Well I'm here to say that my baby is a much happier baby and in turn I am a much happier mom ever since we switched to bottle feeding. Instead of raging and crying at the breast he is calm and often drifts peacefully into drowsiness or looks up at me with his bright eyes and smiles with the bottle in his mouth. As I mentioned, he sleeps much better too. These things have made all the difference in my decision to pump exclusively. If he'd been a happier eater, despite my pain, I would have sought ways to better his latch and fix the problem. I just can't argue with a happy baby so I've had to swallow my pride and accept this is what is best for Luke and for all of us. Pumping is inconvenient and oftentimes annoying but if that is what is helping my baby be happy then I'm willing to sacrifice a little convenience. My goal is to pump for three more months. At that point I'll re-evaluate and see if I can stand it much longer. Who knows, I might get into a good rhythm and it will just be a natural part of life. If not, though, I will make the transition to formula. And I've finally come to accept that and feel at peace in my decision.

No, in reality, it’s just a blip on the timeline of eternity. It’s just one tiny facet. And…dare I say: There are much, much more important things that factor into the well-being of your child than whether you use breast or bottle. - See more at: http://thehumbledhomemaker.com/2013/09/dear-mom-who-tried-to-breastfeed-and-thinks-that-she-failed.html#sthash.2TOPqrkS.dpuf

No, in reality, it’s just a blip on the timeline of eternity. It’s just one tiny facet. And…dare I say: There are much, much more important things that factor into the well-being of your child than whether you use breast or bottle. - See more at: http://thehumbledhomemaker.com/2013/09/dear-mom-who-tried-to-breastfeed-and-thinks-that-she-failed.html#sthash.2TOPqrkS.dpuf

No, in reality, it’s just a blip on the timeline of eternity. It’s just one tiny facet. And…dare I say: There are much, much more important things that factor into the well-being of your child than whether you use breast or bottle. - See more at: http://thehumbledhomemaker.com/2013/09/dear-mom-who-tried-to-breastfeed-and-thinks-that-she-failed.html#sthash.2TOPqrkS.dpuf

No, in reality, it’s just a blip on the timeline of eternity. It’s just one tiny facet. And…dare I say: There are much, much more important things that factor into the well-being of your child than whether you use breast or bottle. - See more at: http://thehumbledhomemaker.com/2013/09/dear-mom-who-tried-to-breastfeed-and-thinks-that-she-failed.html#sthash.2TOPqrkS.dpufHere

I feel like for months I've been praying to God and asking Him to heal me, to fix my problem, to make it work. I have to admit I felt a little abandoned by Him at times. Instead of things getting better they just kept getting worse! I had assumed that since I knew breast was best that that was how it was going to be and that God would make it work. I was trying for so long to force my will to be the right path instead of accepting His will. Eventually my prayers became pleas for guidance and for the courage to accept His will, even if that meant breastfeeding just wasn't going to work. It's taken a long time to really accept that but I think I have. I do still sometimes feel sad when I think about the fact that I'll likely never physically breastfeed him again. I console myself with the fact that, at least for now, he's still getting my milk and so I still have that emotional connection. And I do hope to be able to breastfeed my next baby. I've got a lot more knowledge and practice under my belt to start off with. We'll have to see. All I know is, the correct path is the one that is best for baby and no one else, not even me.

Rough Initiation

Luke is nearly two months old and since his birth we have experienced so many joys... But we've also many trials. This motherhood thing, while so so worth it, is so hard! I really thought things would start to normalize by now but that just isn't so. Is it really this hard every time or have I just had a particularly rough go? I really want to enjoy this stage because he's so sweet and cuddly and cute and I just can't stop kissing his hairy head but there have been so many trials. I've definitely had quite a few break downs. I'm a person who really hates drama but it seems that is my whole life right now. I don't want my blog to start to be some negative thing but some days a mother has to vent. If I write them all down maybe it will be like getting them off my chest and I'll be able to move on and endure well these trials. So, in attempted chronological order, here they are:

-Bilirubin
-Postpartum Depression
-Breastfeeding Pain
-Luke refusing to sleep anywhere longer than 30 minutes but in our bed or in our arms
-Luke spitting up blood
-Finding out the reason for the blood is that I've been cracking
-Going back and forth from breastfeeding to pumping three times
-Finding out the reason for the cracking is a stubborn case of thrush that has been hanging on for dear life
-Taking diflucan, probiotics and applying lanolin and them not working
-Realizing that lanolin has actually been worsening the situation, not helping
-Gentian violet and APNO not working as quickly as I'd hoped
-Luke getting super congested and disrupting his very tolerable sleep schedule
-Bryan and I getting severe colds...
-...followed immediately by food poisoning
-Luke crying while nursing during several feedings and realizing he is already teething (so young, I know, but there is an unmistakeable white nub starting to show more and more on his bottom back gums)

Okay, I sure hope I've gotten all my complaining out of my system and that things will gradually start to get better. Just to even things out and realize life isn't so bad, I'll list out some of the things I'm grateful for:

-A pretty easy pregnancy with almost no nausea
-A delivery without complication
-Luke being perfectly healthy when he was born
-A speedy physical recovery for me
-A generally mellow baby
-Already being back to my pre-pregnancy weight
-Bilirubin healing
-Help from parents and Bryan
-Going on Zoloft
-Luke not having too much pain from his circumcision
-A baby that doesn't have day/night confusion
-Having a barium test on Luke to confirm that the blood didn't come from him
-Breastfeeding pain getting slowly better from use of gentian violet and APNO
-Such helpful friends in my ward who are always thinking of me
-Advice from a friend to get teething tablets
-Luke starting to smile
-Luke starting to giggle
-Dancing around the house with my boy singing primary and Disney songs
-Having a good husband who really loves his son
-A husband that makes me laugh
-Support from Facebook
-An amazing and loving lactation consultant who told me my latch was good and not the problem!
-A visit from Grandma Sandi, Aunt Shelley and Luke's cousins on the Whitney side
-Having my sister, Lindsay, to call or video chat whenever I need a shoulder to cry on
-Skype chats with sister Natalie in the middle of the night when Luke won't sleep
-Texting with sister Hailey who also just had a baby and can totally relate
-Calling mom
-Being told things get better
-Luke's sweet and handsome face and the love I have for him

And now I realize, of course, that the second list is much longer than the first and that I have a lot to be grateful for. I need to stop focusing on the bad. All I can do is pray for strength to get through these things and hopefully I'll be a better person because of them.