Penelope Luvera Whitney

Two Saturdays ago, January 28th, to our surprise we welcomed our daughter Penelope Luvera Whitney into the world at 9:27 PM MST. She was 6 lbs 10 oz and 18.5 inches long and we were graced with yet another full head of hair, this time very dark brown. I am still in shock and awe that she is here. I felt for a long time that I should still be pregnant and that has only worn off in the last few days. I was expecting (or at least hoping) for a few more days before her arrival. I mentioned in the last post that Bryan started a new job. I'm not sure if I mentioned that our new insurance wouldn't be taking effect until February. We still had private insurance but her early arrival meant things will be more expensive as it won't go toward the deductible of our new insurance and we'll have to add her to the private right before cancelling it just so her hospital stay and newborn check up are covered. Sigh. We prayed so hard that we could just make it there. Surely we would since she wasn't even due until the 12th, right? She had other plans in mind. I suppose I should start at the beginning...

Part I -- Labor and Delivery

Luke was born exactly when we wanted him to be. He waited until after Thanksgiving but came before his due date. I was 38 weeks and 6 days along with him when he came dramatically into the world when my water broke late at night and I was immediately already dilated to a 9! After getting to the hospital and getting an epidural, my labor slowed down. I pushed for an hour and a half before they had to use a vacuum to get him out all the way because his heart rate was dropping. The labor and delivery were about 8 hours but I was told that the epidural is what had slowed it down and that I'd have likely had him very soon after if not for that. Because of all this I was pretty nervous that my labor was going to go really quickly this time around and I worried that I might not even make it to the hospital! My doctor told me that if I was at all dilated at my 37 week appointment that they would schedule me for inducement at 39 weeks. When I was 37 weeks with Luke I was dilated to a 4 and 80% effaced so I was sure that I probably would be dilated this time too. This time at 37 weeks I was a dilated to a 3 and the doctor just said I was "very thin" and that I could "go into labor at any minute." Way to freak a girl out! But still, as I was further along with Luke at that point and kept him in until 38 weeks 6 days I felt confident that she'd be born in February still. We set an induction date for February 7th but the doctor (correctly, it turns out) didn't seem to think I'd make it there.

A couple days later I was lounging on the couch with Luke curled up next to me watching a show when I started having some low back pain and cramping. Because of what the doctor had said I started freaking out a little. I drank a lot of water to slow any cramping and took a warm bath. A friend took Luke out that morning so I could relax and take it easy and my sister came over later and cleaned for me a little while I would just lay in bed. I felt so lazy. I convinced myself that I was overreacting to my body prepping for delivery. Still, Bryan and I made plans for if I were to go into labor while he was at work.

The next day Bryan came home from work early because there was a gas leak in his building. My neighbor saw him drive by and texted me, "Are you in labor???" I laughed a lot at that but looking back at when she did come, I realize it was entirely plausible. We spent the day getting things ready. We went to Costco and got a car wash and cleaned out the car. I gave both boys hair cuts. The next day was a very normal day, too. We went to Target to get some things and I picked up a larger temple dress from my friend, since we had planned to go to the temple the next day. I jokingly (but kind of seriously) mentioned I was nervous about going into labor at the temple.

Saturday has generally been my day to sleep in, which I would usually do until about 9. This morning, however, I started having some low back pain around 8 and couldn't fall back to sleep. I immediately took a warm bath, assuming that would settle things down and then we could get ready and go to the temple. I was very determined to go since I knew it would be my last chance for a while. Well the back pain did not abate so I took to pacing around my family room to get it to stop. It seemed to help and I felt confident that at least by afternoon I'd be all ready to go to the temple. Well, after a while of pacing I got tired and decided I wanted to sit down and when I did so I started having some cramping. A couple of trips to the bathroom had me more freaked out that this might really be happening so I called the on call OB/Gyn to let her know what was going on and see what I should do. She said I could be going into labor but the bathroom trips were not definite indicators and that I needed to time my cramping/contractions.

At this point my cramping intensified into noticeable contractions but they were irregular in timing. Some would come only every 7 minutes or so and others would be only 3 minutes apart! This was such a novel experience for me, Luke having been such a sure labor, and I had no idea if I should just go to the hospital and risk being turned away or wait it out. I called labor and delivery at the hospital and explained what was going on and they said I'd better come in just to be safe. I calmly finished packing my hospital bag and got ready while Bryan took Luke to the neighbor's house and then we calmly drove the the hospital, interrupted only by the occasional uncomfortable but manageable contraction. It was so surreal-- I had prepared myself for the possibility of another rush to the hospital but I had not prepared myself for how smoothly it was going and in that way it blew me away.

We got to the hospital and instead of collapsing in the parking lot and needing a wheelchair to get me up to triage we made our way quietly up, got to the desk and I said, "Um, I think I'm in labor?" They got me checked into a room and hooked up to all manner of monitors. They checked my dilation and I was at a 4-- they said they would leave me for an hour and if I'd progressed at all they would admit me. Over the next hour we rested and talked to family. We weren't even sure if we would be staying-- if this was it. My contractions seemed to get stronger too and I started to not care about whether or not it was February-- I was nervous to go home feeling that level of pain and if it was going to happen it just needed to happen. When they came back in an hour later I was a 5 and so they decided to go ahead and keep me! This time they hooked me up to the IV that would slowly give me the penicillin I needed to combat being Group B Strep positive. We called my parents to go pick Luke up and take him home to care for him during the hospital stay.

"This is really happening right now."

I asked the nurse when I should get an epidural, thinking I was supposed to wait until I just couldn't take it any more. She said, "Whenever you just don't want to deal with the pain anymore." Okay! I was definitely in pain and could tell I was about to get to the "can't take it any more" point when I asked for one. The anesthesiologist came in and got me set up-- Bryan later said, "It's a good thing you didn't see the needle he put in you. It is the biggest needle I've ever seen in my life." I didn't care, it was out of sight and out of mind and all I knew was that I could no longer feel my contractions, though I could feel my legs and feet more than I'd remembered with Luke. At first my heart was racing, I'm sure from the epidural, until it faded, though they did keep an eye on me for that.

Periodically the nurses would come in and fuss around me and check my dilation but for the most part we just relaxed for several hours as things progressed gradually and smoothly on their own. The doctor was going to come break my water at a certain point if it hadn't on its own but since I was progressing well she decided not to and not long later they checked me and I was an 8 and they informed me that my water had indeed broken on its own unbeknownst to me. From there I progressed even faster until the nurse checked me and said I was a 10 and asked me to bear down a little. She said, "Okay, are you ready to have a baby? She's eager to come." At this point, though I couldn't feel the pain of the contractions, I could definitely feel the uncomfortable pressure telling me it was time to push. We had to wait about ten minutes for the doctor to get in and then we were ready to go. I pushed through about three contractions for maybe five minutes and just like that, she was born. Again, a huge difference from the hour and a half of pushing and vacuum Luke needed. The nurses kept saying, "You did it all on your own!" but really I felt like she did it all on her own. She was just ready to come meet the world and got everything going on her own. It was an incredibly smooth labor and delivery.

First time holding my daughter.

Tiny baby!

Part II -- Postpartum Recovery

We had skin to skin time for a while in the labor and delivery room and then I decided to bite the bullet and try breastfeeding her. She refused to latch onto my left side but I calmly tried the other and to me surprise she latched right on and fed for a good 20 minutes! That was so encouraging to me since my previous breastfeeding experience was so traumatic. I went into it thinking I needed to be more relaxed and willing to go with other options if they were necessary. Before we even left the labor and delivery room we officially decided to name her Penelope, a name that we have loved since before we were even engaged. We had a list of "just in case" names, were she to come out seemly distinctly not like a Penelope but we were pretty sure we would go with it. Mostly we'll call her Penny. Her middle name, Luvera, is in honor of my maternal grandma. We like using family names for middle names.

Moving out of labor and delivery and to mother and baby.

Not long after they got me transferred to the mother and baby unit and the nurses were surprised I was up and moving as quickly as I was. I remember doing pretty well with Luke too, apart from needing a straight cath a couple of times before I was able to empty my bladder on my own. I felt so calm and like myself in the hospital. I was hoping it meant that I wouldn't have to deal with postpartum depression as I previously had. I was even already taking a low dose of zoloft in order to head it off. She continued to refuse my left side throughout the stay and instead of freaking out I would just pump it every other feeding and offer her the side she liked. Going back a bit, instead of staying with me overnight Bryan decided to go home in the evenings in order to be there for Luke so he left around midnight that night. I slept well in the hospital-- they brought Penny to me to eat when she needed to and my hormones didn't cause me to stay awake the way they had with Luke.

The next morning Bryan brought Luke to the hospital to meet Penny for the first time. We had been preparing him for his sister as best we could and talking about it all the time-- he seemed pretty normal and okay with everything. He was excited to give her a little stuffed elephant that I'd gotten at a baby shower. Soon after Bryan's mom and brother arrived and then my parents came as well. It was a packed room! Later that evening one of my sisters was able to come as well. So different from our stay in Boise where we had no family come to the hospital. We had a couple friends come and that was all. I thoroughly enjoyed my hospital stay, as I had with Luke. Maybe that's strange to say but I enjoyed only having the responsibility of feeding and loving Penny as well as recovering and being waited on hand and foot by nurses. We were told that we needed to stay for 48 hours for them to keep an eye on her for my GBS+ status so we assumed we'd be staying until Monday evening or Tuesday morning but my OB/Gyn said I could leave in the afternoon as long as the pediatrician said it was okay-- she did. It is always a little scary to leave the hospital with your brand new baby but this time I thought I would not miss the hospital as much as I had with Luke.

I think Grandpa loves this little girl!

Snuck picture of Luke holding Penny for the first time.

Bryan and his kids! He is such a good dad.

New family of four!

Big yawns, always sleepy!

Classic posed picture of Luke holding Penny

Bright eyes!

Lindsay holding Penny in the hospital.

Part III - At Home

We took another surreal car ride home with our new baby. My parents left and Bryan's mom and brother came back and stayed the night. That night my milk came in (previously she had just been eating colostrum) and she ate on the left side for the first time! I've decided that my crazy hormones kick in when my milk comes in because I haven't completely escaped the depression this time, though it has been much more mild this time so far and I'm already starting to feel more myself. My doctor even said that with the medication the first two weeks are hard hormonally. I feel I peaked around a week and am hoping it is slowly tapering off. Mostly when the sun would start to set I would get a weird and anxious feeling unrelated to any thoughts at all. For some reason that light outside really affected me chemically both times. I haven't had that the past couple of nights but I usually wake up feeling kind of weird until I'm able to get a shower-- that is my sanctuary. Physically my recovery has been very easy, pretty much like last time. I stopped feeling any pain from delivery shortly after delivery itself and only needed pain medication to help with uterine contractions as she breastfed but those are also gone now. I'm not completely back to normal, of course, but I'm not in any pain at least.

Grandma Sandi rocking Penny on her first night at home.

Breastfeeding is going mostly well. I think its impossible not to worry about how its going no matter how smoothly. There was one day that I started freaking out that maybe I wasn't making enough milk because I never get engorged but then Penny ate really well and I still had milk so I calmed down. I've been slightly nervous when she doesn't eat for the 15 or more minutes they said she should in the hospital but now I've stopped watching the clock and trying to trust my instincts when I feel like it's a good feed. Sometimes its frustrating when she falls asleep while eating and I'm not sure if she was full or just got sleepy. Last night she wouldn't eat on my left side again even though I had a lot of milk for her and I had a flashback to the way Luke would latch and unlatch and cry even though he was obviously hungry. I cried as I pumped that side-- reliving those feelings of failure. It was pretty emotional but then I read something online that said if their nose is stuffy that they sometimes have a hard time eating on one side or at all and I had remembered her nose being kind of stuffy. We gave her a little saline in each nostril and she ate fine on that side the next feeding. Each time is different-- sometimes so smooth and sometime a little more fitful. There are SO many variables that go into breastfeeding that make it scary. I'm trying my best to be laid back and just let things happen. So far things are going pretty well overall compared to my previous experience and I do feel confident I'll be able to continue but you never know what the future holds so I reserve the right to go to pumping or give her formula if that is what seems like what will be the best for us.

I forgot to mention that Bryan's new job gives him two weeks of paternity leave, which means I've had him home with me for the past week and a half. I have loved that. I'm never more clingy with him than right after I have a baby and it has helped so much in the sleep department. The first night was really rough-- my hormones had just started kicking in which made it really hard for me to sleep. Bryan also snores and I was unable to fall asleep before he started like I usually do. I didn't get much sleep that night. After that we decided to break the night up into shifts and have been doing that since. It's obviously not ideal but it has helped us both get a little more sleep. He takes care of her if she wakes up, other than feeding her, from 10-12:30, 2:30-4:30 and 7-9 or 10 when he gets up with both kids. All other times are my responsibility but I think he's doing his share by far. We try to put her in her bassinet and she does a little better than Luke did but is kind of restless so we've ended up bringing her into bed with us just like we did with him. Again, I never wanted to be a co sleeper but it's the only way all of us seem to get the sleep we need. However, we both don't get to fully sleep because we are so aware of her breathing and positioning. Last time I borrowed a baby sleep positioner from a friend-- two foam triangle things that he slept between on our bed but kept us from rolling on to him. We ordered one finally and it's supposed to arrive today. I am so excited and hopeful that it will help us all sleep a little better. Luke was in that for maybe two months before he moved to his swing and then his crib. I'm assuming things will go similarly with her. I guess only time will tell but she definitely loves to sleep. She is pretty rarely awake at all unless she's eating, honestly. Sometimes I feel like if she's awake she assumes she is supposed to be eating because breastfeeding can feel so demanding.

The last topic I wanted to address is Luke. He has definitely been acting out more to get more attention, usually being kind of destructive. Last week Bryan had bought a little chocolate cake at the grocery store as a treat for all of us. We all had a couple of slices but the following morning when Bryan was in the shower and I was nursing Penny he decided to shove handfuls of it into oven mitts and the rest he took upstairs and threw, piece by piece, over our landing. Pictures do not do this mess justice!!! However, he is still our sweet boy and I don't love him any less than I did before. I didn't really think I would love him less, even though that is a common concern with second time parents. I'm only sad that I don't get to give him as much attention as I used to. He is nothing but sweet to Penny and loves to help us get her diapers and things like that. He is going to be a great big brother and we love him so much.

Yesterday was the 7th, my induction date, and it's still so crazy to me that she's over a week and half old. I was so certain she'd be a February baby that every time I remember her birthday is January 28th it feels strange to me. Despite all the hardship and uncertainty that comes with having a newborn, we are both so overwhelmed with the deep and immediate love we have for this beautiful little girl. I'm so excited to see how her little personality will fit in to our family. We love you, Penny Lu!

Lately

I figured I should post again one last time before this baby makes her debut in what seems like a scarily short amount of time. I can't even believe I'm so close even though I feel like I've been pregnant forever and physically I am feeling done. But I know that we will probably try for a third and that I'll long for these kicks and discomfort again because of what it means.

Anyway, jumping back a few months I had a birthday and not just any birthday... the big one. The big 3-0. That's a little strange to wrap my head around but no matter how old you are you always feel like yourself. I had just barely gotten completely over my horrible intestinal infection and we went out to eat and then to a Pumpkin Patch with our friends the Mannings. I've probably said it before but birthdays are pretty simple when you're an adult.

I was looking forward to the three crazy holiday months to move my pregnancy along faster and keep me busy and man did they ever keep me busy! To the point where now I'm wondering where all the time went and feeling like there is still so much to do! Halloween came and went-- Luke was Harry Potter and we went to our ward Trunk or Treat. On the day of my parents were in town looking at houses because they had decided to move here so they stayed at our house and handed out candy so Bryan and I could both go out with Luke. We took him out last year but he was more in to it (if not a little stubborn due to his age) this year and understood the whole knocking and getting candy thing. Around this same time we transferred him to his new Outer Space big boy room so we could start transforming his old room into a girly nursery (still in progress).

Bryan also had his big birthday and had to stop calling me a cougar for the one month he gets to each year. I honestly can't remember what we did the day of other than going to his new favorite Thai restuarant, Thai Delight, but I made him a couple different birthday cakes because his dad came in to town a few days before so we celebrated with him and then again a few days after with his mom. I also decided to host Thanksgiving (am I a maniac?) so I had the whole turkey and everything to do. It actually wasn't too bad (I was not as big then as I am now...) and the turkey, while it took a little while longer to cook than I'd planned, was great!

Then we celebrated our favorite (to that point) birthday in our family-- our sweet Luke turned 3! It's so hard to believe that he was my little baby and now he runs around and has full on conversations with us-- mostly sweet ones but some definitely stubborn ones as well. I have pictures from all these things but am currently too lazy to post them and pretty much all the people reading this are my Facebook friends and can and probably have already seen them. I had been planning on throwing him a real party this year and doing all kinds of fun holiday stuff with him since it's his last year alone with us and I wanted to make a big deal for him but... I didn't take into account that I wouldn't have the energy I normally have while getting bigger every day. I hope he had fun, anyway. My parents were in town again to close on a house they had decided on so they were able to celebrate with us. I took Luke to McDonald's for lunch and invited some of his little friends to join us at the play place and then we all went out to dinner later. My parents got Luke a train table and we got him a train set and he was so excited! Later we had another birthday party with his Grandma Sandi and Uncle Mike and she got him a neat Codepillar so he can learn to be a programmer like his dad! Whereas I had made Bryan's cakes from scratch I just didn't have the energy anymore and let Luke pick out a couple of box cakes for the different parties.

The day after Luke's birthday I took him to the pediatrician here for the first time and while I was sitting in the waiting room to go in I got a call from Bryan, which is odd since we generally only text while he is at work. He told me that, due to changes in his department, the Church would not be renewing his contract. Panic attacks immediately set in and worries about having to sell our brand new home while pregnant and feeling soooo not able to do that... I was so frustrated because we had moved our entire lives from Boise for this job. I wondered if we had made a mistake in accepting it. I felt the contracting agency had not been totally forthcoming with us about everything. Bryan knew the contract was technically for just one year but the agency really minimized that and said things to the affect that he'd definitely be renewed for a second year and likely be hired on full time after that. When Bryan first started it became apparent that getting hired on full time was a very difficult thing to do at the church due to their having a pension plan and other things. I think from the moment I learned that I started to feel an anxiety at the back of my heart. So we kind of knew that we'd have to be looking for another job but still thought we had two years. Luckily Bryan was still able to finish his contract while looking for other jobs so we didn't have a gap between jobs. He put out several resumes and had one phone interview and another scheduled but a recruiter coincidentally contacted him at the exact time he was looking and set up an in-person interview with him. That went really well and they ended up offering him a position soon after. The compensation and benefits were great and ended up being a better situation than we'd had before (for instance, as a contract worker we had to get our own private insurance which was quite costly). We decided to accept and finally realized that this could be a blessing in disguise. Bryan had never been truly happy with his job at the church-- mostly because of being a contract employee. He felt kind of disposable and not truly valued, which I think he needs in order to thrive in a job. I've decided that what really happened with our move from Boise is that Heavenly Father knew we needed to be in Utah but a job working for the Church was the only way to get us to move here. I very adamantly did not want to move to Utah but Bryan had had a dream of working for the Church since his mission so I couldn't ignore that. It was a really hard move at the time but we are happy to be here now. Bryan started his new job at Workfront last week and has already been really impressed with it and feels valued (yay!). He's been quite happy there, which makes me happy and I think I feel a lot less stressed now that "the worst" has happened and we've made it through. We were actually really blessed because the period of time between finding out we wouldn't have a job and getting a new one was pretty short. I'm grateful for that!

Well anyway, another huge thing that happened is that my parents officially moved here about a week before Christmas! It was crazy fast but has been so nice already to just be a half an hour drive away from them. One scary thing that happened, though, was that my dad had a heart attack scare on New Year's Day and had to be rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. We were all really on edge and emotional. He's had a major heart attack before and had to have surgeries. We were very lucky to find out that he was able to get nitroglycerin soon enough to stop it from being a full on heart attack. He ended up not needing to have any further surgeries this time and we were all so grateful for that. We need him in our lives for a long, long time. He is a stable, kind, thoughtful and loving father and I couldn't have asked for more.

Going back a bit, though, we had our first Christmas in our new house and had a nice, small morning with just the three of us before heading to church. After we were able to go spend the evening at my parents' house and have Christmas dinner. It was so nice to be there! We were unable to see Sandi because of a recent intense knee replacement she'd had but we got to go up and spend the following weekend with her. This Christmas was scary because right in the midst of present buying we had our job scare so everything was put on hold for a couple weeks until we accepted our new offer. Thanks for saving Christmas Workfront!

And now we are down to the final stretch of pregnancy before the baby is born. I am so ready/not ready. I don't know the last time I made so many Google Sheets trying to be organized for freezer meals, hospital bag, house cleaning, thank you notes, etc etc etc. There is so much left to be done and I really doubt everything on our list will actually get there but I'll try to do the most essential, at least. Everyone asks me how I'm feeling and I generally say I have no energy or patience (two things you really need with a three year old). I also feel enormous, she moves around all the time (amazing and uncomfortable at the same time), my heartburn is killing me, I have to change sides constantly at night for hip pain and of course I constantly have to pee. To reiterate from earlier, my body is feeling done sharing with another human being. This time my doctor plans to induce me at 39 weeks if I'm at all dilated at 37 weeks because of how quickly Luke came (or would have if we hadn't been able to slow things down with an epidural). I am always so scared of not making it to the hospital (20 minutes away) in time and having the baby in the car. Luke came at 38 weeks 6 days so as long as I can make it to 39 hopefully we'll be okay. It'll be strange to experience a full on labor instead of having my water break and already be dilated to a 9! Who knows what to expect? It's kind of terrifying. One thing I'm certain of, though, is that the next time I'm writing in this blog I'll be a mom of two and I'll be telling exactly how it all did happen. For now, I'm signing off.

We're Having Another Baby!

Bryan and I always knew that we wanted more than one child but after Luke was born, I needed some time. The newborn stage rocked me. I remember long ago telling people, "I think I could have six kids, at most," and after Luke was born I initially started wearily saying, "Maybe one is okay..." Newborns are hard. But, we knew we weren't really done so when we were both ready we decided to start trying again-- that was April 2015.

Most of you probably know that we had a hard time getting pregnant with Luke. Doctors won't even see you until you've been trying a year so we went through that and then finally got on Clomid. After 15 months of trying, we got pregnant after our first round. Hallelujah! I was so happy because I figured that I'd found the permanent solution to our infertility and that'd we'd be able to have kids at a normal rate going forward. My OB/Gyn in Boise told me that I could go on Clomid as soon as I wanted since I'd had a history with infertility. We were so relaxed at first. We went on Clomid in June and were told that I would be able to do six cycles (months) with it, but would likely get pregnant before that time. Each month went by and each month I was more confused and frustrated that it wasn't happening. My last month on Clomid was in November and yet again I was not pregnant-- and more, we were moving to Utah the next month so I couldn't even consult with the doctors who knew me on how to press forward. We lived with Bryan's mom for about three months and they felt like such a limbo. We didn't know where we were going to be so we couldn't find any new doctors yet. Finally we moved to West Jordan and I set up an appointment with a fertility specialist. At the very first appointment the doctor diagnosed me as having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (which doesn't mean the same thing for any given person-- it's a spectrum). He told me it was the most treatable of all fertility issues and recommended starting out immediately with a procedure called an Intrauterine Insemination or IUI. I was surprised and said something like, "Right off the bat?" and he said, "Well you've already done the 6 rounds of Clomid without success." I couldn't argue with that. Over the coming couple of months I had all kinds of ultrasounds and appointments and procedures until finally we knew an egg would be ready and the procedure was performed. I was to go in for a blood test two weeks later to see if it had succeeded and my whole family and lots of friends knew it. I'm kind of an open book and it sometimes ruins the element of surprise. So I took a test on my own without telling anyone a few days before the blood test-- and it was positive! I was able to surprise Bryan after all because he was expecting the news a couple days later. We told our family the next day but we kept it to that circle until I was 12 weeks. At that point we started telling people in person but decided to wait to put it on Facebook until we had the gender just in case it was too good to be true and something happened.

After a couple of ultrasounds to make sure all was well I graduated from the fertility center to a new ob/gyn. Things seemed to be going pretty smooth at first-- I'd had a pretty easy pregnancy with Luke and assumed all would be the same this time. I threw up about seven times with him and I was determined to be able to say I hadn't done so once in this pregnancy. In my pregnancy with Luke I determined that as long as I had something in my stomach before getting out of bed and moving around that I would be fine for the rest of the day. This pretty much held true for my whole first trimester but I had a couple of gag moments later on, weirdly enough. And then September happened. It has been one of the most physically miserable months of my life. It started out with some pains in my stomach and just a general not feeling great. After a couple days where it lingered I decided to call my doctor and we determined it was a normal pregnancy symptom and they gave me measures to treat it. I followed that for about a week but it just seemed to be getting worse. I went in to the doctor and they said that at that point I was probably in recovery mode but if I didn't feel better after the weekend that I would need to see a gastroenterologist. The weekend came and went and I was no better so I got an appointment the next day (VERY luckily) to see one. He diagnosed me with a common syndrome and said it was likely exacerbated by pregnancy hormones. He gave me medicine to deal with the stomach pain and said that should help and it would improve as the pregnancy progressed. At first I thought the medicine was working and that I was in less pain but the other symptoms persisted with vigor. Those symptoms are TMI for the internet. On Saturday I woke up so miserable and was crying so much. At this point my parents and sister were in town and my sister gave me the courage to call in despite it being a weekend. The gastroenterologist got back to me and had me go in to the hospital to do some lab work. The whole time I was sick I kept crying to Bryan that I just wanted to check in to the hospital and have the doctors and nurses figure out what was wrong me, treat me and keep me comfortable. That didn't happen but I was very fortunate to have my parents around a good amount of the time and Bryan was able to work from home or take the day off a few times. The whole time I also worried that whatever was going on with me would somehow hurt my precious baby that I had worked so hard to get. I went between feeling worried for it and frustrated at it, assuming it was the reason I was feeling more miserable than I had in a very long time. Well, Monday morning the tests came back and I was informed that I had an intestinal infection and would have to go on antibiotics. No lifelong syndrome, just an infection that would not, could not go away on it's own without medical intervention. Thank goodness for modern medicine!!! I don't know how I got this infection other than it was probably something I ate. On the antibiotics I got better little by little every day. Sometimes the improvement was more subtle than I would have liked but now, on Monday, I can say that I feel completely back to myself where my intestines are concerned. However, Luke caught a bad cold several days ago that of course I also got and I've been dealing with that. I think I'm getting better from that too. I now truly know that your immune system is suppressed when you're pregnant. Mine seems to have been laying down on the job, anyway.

And now to today, where Bryan and I were able to go find out the gender of this baby. I've been telling everyone how much I hoped for a girl. I've always wanted a boy and then a girl and then whatever comes after that can be what it will be. Especially because we have such a hard time getting pregnant and who knows if we'll be able to again I wanted to be able to have one of each. My instincts kept telling me that this was a girl. Every time I thought about the future, I imagined a little girl. That is much how it was with Luke. He just felt like a boy! However, I was not confident enough to be sure of this because I also knew I really wanted a little girl and that could be clouding my instincts. I have to say that the ultrasound itself was pretty miserable. They made me drink 32 oz of water before coming in and then the tech kept pressing on my stomach to get pictures. I felt like I was being subjected to a form of torture. On the one hand, I wanted to sit and stare at that wiggly baby all day long and see her from every angle but on the other hand the only thing I could think about is how badly I needed to use the bathroom. At one point both Bryan and I saw something on the screen that had us sure it was a boy. Good thing the ultrasound tech knew what she was looking for. She was able to show us specifically that this little baby was a girl!!! What a dream come true. We would have been so happy with another little boy and if it had been a boy we would know it's what Heavenly Father had meant for our family. Putting aside our own desires for a girl, I think the reason my instincts were so strong is because it's what was meant for our family. It just seemed right. It's why I couldn't ever clearly imagine our life with two boys the way I could with a boy and a girl. So, my instincts are 2 for 2! The pressure is off of baby #3 if we can ever make it there. It can be whatever it is and I will be over the moon. For now, I'm half way there with so much to get done before this baby comes and three holidays months in the way too. I sure hope I can get it all done! It's going pretty fast this time around. Probably because I have a crazy toddler to run around after. I'm so grateful for Luke. He is such a sweet, good boy that we love dearly and I think he will make a great big brother. It is so strange to start really thinking of him in a big brotherly role. I love my little family and can't wait for this little girl to join us!

Recap

Does anyone even blog anymore? I kind of forgot about it for a while and was actually surprised my last post was as recent as it was. I'm way too lazy to go back and write posts to account for the last seven months so I'm going to summarize here. Honestly, I'm still even writing so I have some form of journal to account for things we've done as a family. I'm happy if people read it but I recently decided to turn the privacy on the blog back on, as I just think I put too much personal information in here for everyone and anyone to read.

Since we last met (or even a little before):

• Luke turned 2! We had a small family birthday and were traveling back to Boise to start moving on the actual day. I owe him big time this year. 
• We moved! So stressful. 
• We flew out to Maryland for Christmas and were able to see my parents' beautiful new home. The Rudds and Handleys came as well. We got to see Star Wars: the Force Awakens and took a girl's trip to Pittsburgh to see where Lindsay (my sister) lives.
• We flew back to Utah and Bryan started his new job working on Temple Square. We lived in his mom's basement for 3 months and celebrated a small Valentine's Day there.
• We sold our home in Boise :(
• We bought a new home in West Jordan, UT :) 
• We moved in, unpacked (mostly) and now I feel very much back to my normal self instead of the ball of stress I was for the time we were unsettled.
• We celebrated St. Patrick's Day and Easter (We rode on the Easter Train in Heber and then spent the weekend in Morgan)
• We had a small BBQ with Bryan's sister for the 4th of July and enjoyed some fireworks that were going off all over our neighborhood.
• My family came out for a little reunion and stayed with us. Some of them are still here and I have another sister and her daughters coming to stay this week! 

This list makes it seem like we haven't been very busy but a lot has been going on, especially this month. Now that we're settled I hope I can get back to posting at least about our holidays and other major events. 

Faith is for the Future

Lately I've been feeling really bogged down by the pressures and stresses that come with the life upheaval we've been experiencing. I've caught myself thinking what today would have looked like if we'd stayed in Boise. Luke and I would've hung out at home or had a play date with friends. Maybe we would've gone out to Costco as a family and brought a pizza home for dinner. Just a normal day. No major stress. As soon as these thoughts ran their course into my head popped the quote, "faith is for the future," and I knew it was time to reread my very favorite talk.

Years ago, I was going through a very emotionally turbulent life experience towards the end of my time at BYU. I went to a weekly devotional that Elder Holland was to speak at and little did I know the effect that it would have on me for years to come. The talk, Remember Lot's Wife, regards all times of transition in our lives and the tendency we have to try to hold on to the past instead of moving forward. I've watched, listened to and read this talk during many times such as this when I've needed it. I'm pretty sure I listened to it on a weekly basis after I first heard it and during a particularly painful break up.

All too often I see myself in the actions of Lot's wife. And all too often, as soon as I recognize it and remember these words, life starts to get better.

So I'll end with this excerpt, one I always need to keep in my heart:

"I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone, nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently she thought—fatally, as it turned out—that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind... To all such of every generation, I call out, 'Remember Lot’s wife.' Faith is for the future. Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there. Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us and that Christ truly is the 'high priest of good things to come.'"
 
Thank you, Elder Holland.

Ode to My Home

Can I get sentimental for a minute here? I'm a very very sentimental person as you might be able to tell. Today I walked into my house after being gone for a week and I felt like crying. In a few short days we will say goodbye to this house forever. My parents recently moved out of my childhood home and thank goodness I wasn't there for it. I've just had to put it out of my mind to deal with out. That house held so many memories for me and just felt so good to be in. Every time I came home from college I felt like it was hugging me, welcoming me back. What is it about homes? They are just framing and dry wall. Carpet and countertops. We can take our memories with us wherever we go so why is it so hard to leave? While I have only lived in this house for two and a half years, it has really become part of my heart. Of course, OF COURSE I'm going to miss my neighborhood and ward and friends SO MUCH. But right now I'm talking about this house... like it's a person. More than a person-- a family member. It has been so good to us these past couple of years. We brought our brand new little baby here. It was a comforting place to be while I navigated the murky waters of new motherhood. I'm so conflicted because I do want it to sell so we can move forward. But when it does I just can't look back because thinking about someone else making memories in this house kind of breaks my heart. I'm not sure why.

Anyway, I have all these crazy emotions bottled up inside right now due to the move and I find writing about it is the most therapeutic way I have of dealing with them.

If anyone in the Boise area is looking for a home to love, here is a link:

http://www.myrealtyidaho.com/listing/98605474-9861-w-tilmont-boise-id-83709/?utm_source=hootsuite

It has been so good to us.

A New Adventure

When we graduated college and moved out of Utah three and a half years ago I was confident that we would never come back to live there again. Boise, Idaho welcomed us with open arms and we fell in love with this place we'd never given much thought to before. I would be so happy to stay here many more years and yet...

We are moving to Utah.

Yep.

That's happening.

Back in August we went down to Utah for a family vacation, spending time with both of our families. Bryan started to say that he was feeling like we should move back to be closer to our family. While I love both sides very dearly, I vehemently put my foot down. I didn't want to live in Utah and I never had. My life was in Boise, the cost of living was so much better here, we live close enough for an easy road trip, Bryan has such a good job... I enumerated the reasons until I was blue in the face. We finally decided we wouldn't move anywhere until we were sure we could be financially stable there.

At the beginning of October someone reached out to Bryan on LinkedIn from LDS.org. He has dreamed of working for the church since his mission when he was assigned as an Office Elder and helped them with their computers. It was there that he decided that he would study Computer Science and was excited at the thought of using that interest he already had to further the work of the Church. Coincidentally, it is through a fellow mission buddy that he was recommended to work at Clearwater, his current company. Most of the blessings in our life together stem from Bryan's mission. So, when the recruiter for the Church contacted him Bryan told them that he was very happy at his current job but that he would go ahead with the interview.

At first I thought it would probably just be a passing thing-- that I didn't have anything to worry about. In the past I have heard that the Church doesn't pay very well and we didn't want to take a step down financially so we would stay put. We figured if he did get the offer it might be just slightly higher than what we were making now to compensate for cost of living. Bryan went through a few phone interviews, an online test and a Skype interview. Each successive interview mounted my stress and my fear but I kept coming back to the salary and my love for Boise and felt mostly confident we would stay.

I really fought the idea of living in Utah tooth and nail since it has never been a place I imagined raising my family. Growing up on the East Coast, I had a totally different experience in my religious and cultural life from what my Utah born friends described. I liked what I'd had-- valued it. I did seek out the BYU college experience and wanted that but never expected to stay beyond it. I hate to really point out on this blog the reasons I was so sick about Utah itself because I have a lot of lovely friends who are wonderful people who were born and/or raised there. Lets just say that there were several cultural and religious reasons I didn't want to live there. So Bryan knew all of my concerns and had even told his recruiter about them. He was very back and forth, saying we loved where we lived and that especially his wife didn't want to leave but then he kept doing well in interviews. The recruiter had one of their employees and his wife call us so we could ask them questions. They were both specifically not from Utah and had even moved from Idaho for the job. I went into the conversation not thinking it would change my mind in the slightest but talking to them was comforting. They'd felt a lot of the same things we felt and told us how their experience had been so much better than expected. After that I felt slightly more at peace about going to Utah but I still was having a hard time leaving.

Before his final interview, Bryan's recruiter called and let him know the salary that they had decided on, should the offer be extended to us. To put it lightly, we were taken aback. It was quite a bit more than we expected from them. At that point, it seemed inevitable to me that if he did get the offer we would go. Still, after his final interview he was told there were two other people that needed to be interviewed still and that we'd know the following week. We both felt like if he got it then that would be exciting but we'd still have to make a final decision but if he didn't we would be relieved and happy to stay here. Those few days were torture.

Then, he got it. Still reeling from this. We still hadn't decided but we had until Friday to do so. We felt like it was a good opportunity to work for the church and to be near family and the salary was very tempting. We were like 99% there with the decision but... my heart wouldn't let go. I needed a spiritual confirmation that this could be right for us. Of course we had been praying and fasting about it but I still felt unsettled and our temple happened to be closed for cleaning at the time. We decided to ask to have blessings for each of us. We had our friend and member of the bishopric come over to do so and before he did he sat with us and talked through the whole situation. He himself is a seminary teacher so he does work for the church and talked a lot of his experience there and what Bryan's experience might be. How it would bless our home to have him directly serving the Lord and furthering the work. That is a spirit I cannot wait to have in my home more. During both blessings, he mentioned several things we hadn't even discussed with him that were weighing on our minds and so many things from mine touched me. One in particular that he mentioned that really touched me is that, if you'll notice with certain groups in the scriptures that God asks them to move before He performs a miracle for them. The seedlings of my true testimony as a teenager began when I felt the love of God for me personally and specifically and in this blessing that is one thing I felt strongly. God knows my heart and my trials and He will be by my side. He wants this for us and He wants to bless us. This is the direction our lives are going. We could stay in Boise, in a place we both love, but we both felt wrong about it. Like if we did it would be stagnant because our lives were meant to progress in Utah. And so... we accepted.

We are selling our home. Our beautiful, practically brand new, custom designed home that is part of my heart. I'm having a hard time because I've been looking at houses for sale in the area and price range we want and they are just not what I want. They feel like a step down from where we are now. We are looking forward to having a basement, though!!! I seriously wake up feeling antsy and anxious about packing, cleaning, listing the house, showings, etc. Bryan will start January 4th but because we are spending Christmas in Maryland with my family this year we will move temporarily into his mom's basement about mid December. There is so much to be done before then.

I'm still having a hard time coming to terms with leaving. Boise is where we first lived together as a brand new married couple. It's where Bryan got his first job, where we bought our first home, where we had our first beautiful, wonderful baby. It holds so many wonderful memories for me. I love my friends. I have a truly wonderful support system of other moms like me that I have relied so much on and they have been a balm to my soul.I love my ward and my neighborhood and my house. I even love my Ob/Gyn and the grocery store I shop at. Even the fire station I pass on the way home from Costco and the stretch of road it stands on. I. love. my. life. It is so hard to leave. But it is where we are being led and we will go.

I am excited to live there now, in a lot of ways. We will be so much closer to family! That is a big thing! I can't wait to laugh and play games and have Sunday dinner together more often. Bryan's mom loves to babysit her grandkids, which works for me. I could use a few more outings to movies or plays or, most importantly, the temple with my husband. I can't wait to take Luke to the Aquarium and the Treehouse Museum and the Museum of Natural Curiosity. I can't wait to live near IKEA!!! I will be near old friends I'd like to see more. My parents and other friends and family will be able to visit much more easily! Life will go on. I will make new, wonderful friends. I will come to love a new home and place.

I am very grateful for the love and guidance of the Lord in my life. Truly, He knows what I need better than I do. I've seen the same thing again and again in my life. I think I know what is best for myself and take steps to make it so but He tenderly leads me the way I'm meant to go. And it is always better than the path I might've taken. I'm sad to go but grateful for the opportunity to progress.

We love you all and look forward to seeing a lot  of you more often.