Well, it's done.
I haven't pumped for over a week. I thought I'd feel more free than this. I mean, I do. It's so nice to not have to worry about making sure I'm home at certain times, confined to the couch several times a day. There are so many other emotions surrounding the whole issue, though. I'm pretty sure my friends are tired of hearing about it because I've talked about it almost nonstop for, oh, 5+ months. To my friends: I'm sorry. Hopefully this is my last rant.
Five months of pumping later and I still get depressed sometimes, especially during this winding down time. It doesn't help that this is National Breastfeeding Awareness month and there are posts all over Facebook about it. I often find myself thinking, "If only I had tried..." or "If only I had had the forethought to..." or "If I'd just been more patient." When those thoughts come I try to push them out of my mind because, even if they are true, I tried so much and I thought about it too much and one can only have so much patience sometimes, especially in a fragile emotional state. Now that I'm ending this stage (which I also feel kind of guilty for doing since I made it this far-- but having an end goal of 8 months kept me sane all those months) I can't stop thinking about how I'll go about it the next time around. I literally could not fall asleep a few nights ago until I jotted all my ideas (notes to my future pregnant self) that I didn't want to forget.
I also feel a guilt that if I do succeed next time around what if Luke feels gypped somehow? The answer is he won't care or know but, as his mom, I feel protective of his feelings even if they are feelings that I'm having for him... and far too far in advance. I guess the underlying feeling is that I never want him to think I didn't love him as much as his sibling to really make it work. I feel guilty that he had the be the trial run baby, but that's just how it goes with first born children. I know I've learned a lot and I know things now that will help me next time (regardless of the "every child is different" mantra we all repeat). Most importantly, I know what to expect of myself.
I've learned that, though breast is best, formula is great and that the most important thing is that your child is healthy and happy. I know my freezer stash won't last us until he's a year so I expect to transition to formula and I'm totally okay with that. To be honest, it took me a little while to be okay with it, though. Now I live by the phrase, "Breastfeeding isn't the true test of motherhood."
One last guilt: I feel guilty that I've become so consumed by this issue. I mentioned above that I've talked about it a lot. Sometimes I worry that I'm too selfish-- that I talk over people about my own problems instead of really listening to them about theirs. I don't want to be that person. I'm sorry if I've been that person to you. I promise I'm trying to be a better me.
And now, to borrow an, er, overly popular phrase I know I must let it goooooooo, let it goooooooo.... let go of my guilt and move on. Thank you to everyone who has been so loving and supportive to me during this time. I'm grateful to have wonderful friends and family and I love you guys.
I haven't pumped for over a week. I thought I'd feel more free than this. I mean, I do. It's so nice to not have to worry about making sure I'm home at certain times, confined to the couch several times a day. There are so many other emotions surrounding the whole issue, though. I'm pretty sure my friends are tired of hearing about it because I've talked about it almost nonstop for, oh, 5+ months. To my friends: I'm sorry. Hopefully this is my last rant.
Five months of pumping later and I still get depressed sometimes, especially during this winding down time. It doesn't help that this is National Breastfeeding Awareness month and there are posts all over Facebook about it. I often find myself thinking, "If only I had tried..." or "If only I had had the forethought to..." or "If I'd just been more patient." When those thoughts come I try to push them out of my mind because, even if they are true, I tried so much and I thought about it too much and one can only have so much patience sometimes, especially in a fragile emotional state. Now that I'm ending this stage (which I also feel kind of guilty for doing since I made it this far-- but having an end goal of 8 months kept me sane all those months) I can't stop thinking about how I'll go about it the next time around. I literally could not fall asleep a few nights ago until I jotted all my ideas (notes to my future pregnant self) that I didn't want to forget.
I also feel a guilt that if I do succeed next time around what if Luke feels gypped somehow? The answer is he won't care or know but, as his mom, I feel protective of his feelings even if they are feelings that I'm having for him... and far too far in advance. I guess the underlying feeling is that I never want him to think I didn't love him as much as his sibling to really make it work. I feel guilty that he had the be the trial run baby, but that's just how it goes with first born children. I know I've learned a lot and I know things now that will help me next time (regardless of the "every child is different" mantra we all repeat). Most importantly, I know what to expect of myself.
I've learned that, though breast is best, formula is great and that the most important thing is that your child is healthy and happy. I know my freezer stash won't last us until he's a year so I expect to transition to formula and I'm totally okay with that. To be honest, it took me a little while to be okay with it, though. Now I live by the phrase, "Breastfeeding isn't the true test of motherhood."
One last guilt: I feel guilty that I've become so consumed by this issue. I mentioned above that I've talked about it a lot. Sometimes I worry that I'm too selfish-- that I talk over people about my own problems instead of really listening to them about theirs. I don't want to be that person. I'm sorry if I've been that person to you. I promise I'm trying to be a better me.
And now, to borrow an, er, overly popular phrase I know I must let it goooooooo, let it goooooooo.... let go of my guilt and move on. Thank you to everyone who has been so loving and supportive to me during this time. I'm grateful to have wonderful friends and family and I love you guys.
Thank you for writing this :)
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