Goodbye, Pump.

Well, it's done.

I haven't pumped for over a week. I thought I'd feel more free than this. I mean, I do. It's so nice to not have to worry about making sure I'm home at certain times, confined to the couch several times a day. There are so many other emotions surrounding the whole issue, though. I'm pretty sure my friends are tired of hearing about it because I've talked about it almost nonstop for, oh, 5+ months. To my friends: I'm sorry. Hopefully this is my last rant.

Five months of pumping later and I still get depressed sometimes, especially during this winding down time. It doesn't help that this is National Breastfeeding Awareness month and there are posts all over Facebook about it. I often find myself thinking, "If only I had tried..." or "If only I had had the forethought to..." or "If I'd just been more patient." When those thoughts come I try to push them out of my mind because, even if they are true, I tried so much and I thought about it too much and one can only have so much patience sometimes, especially in a fragile emotional state. Now that I'm ending this stage (which I also feel kind of guilty for doing since I made it this far-- but having an end goal of 8 months kept me sane all those months) I can't stop thinking about how I'll go about it the next time around. I literally could not fall asleep a few nights ago until I jotted all my ideas (notes to my future pregnant self) that I didn't want to forget. 

I also feel a guilt that if I do succeed next time around what if Luke feels gypped somehow? The answer is he won't care or know but, as his mom, I feel protective of his feelings even if they are feelings that I'm having for him... and far too far in advance. I guess the underlying feeling is that I never want him to think I didn't love him as much as his sibling to really make it work. I feel guilty that he had the be the trial run baby, but that's just how it goes with first born children. I know I've learned a lot and I know things now that will help me next time (regardless of the "every child is different" mantra we all repeat). Most importantly, I know what to expect of myself.

I've learned that, though breast is best, formula is great and that the most important thing is that your child is healthy and happy. I know my freezer stash won't last us until he's a year so I expect to transition to formula and I'm totally okay with that. To be honest, it took me a little while to be okay with it, though. Now I live by the phrase, "Breastfeeding isn't the true test of motherhood."

One last guilt: I feel guilty that I've become so consumed by this issue. I mentioned above that I've talked about it a lot. Sometimes I worry that I'm too selfish-- that I talk over people about my own problems instead of really listening to them about theirs. I don't want to be that person. I'm sorry if I've been that person to you. I promise I'm trying to be a better me.

And now, to borrow an, er, overly popular phrase I know I must let it goooooooo, let it goooooooo.... let go of my guilt and move on. Thank you to everyone who has been so loving and supportive to me during this time. I'm grateful to have wonderful friends and family and I love you guys.

To Grandmother's House We Go!

So a couple of weeks ago, without too much advance warning, we hopped a plane and went to Maryland. Just like that! Actually it was a lot more intense than that-- traveling is a lot more complicated with a baby than on your own. We had to carry around a cooler bag full of breast milk, bring our pack 'n play, check the car seat and stroller at the gate each time, worry about naps and fussiness on the plane and another million things I'm pretty sure I've blocked out. A couple nice things about our traveling with baby experience, though: everyone was very complimentary on how adorable my baby is but oftentimes would try not to sit next to us (which is how we got a free seat between us on our first flight out, which was "full." Sweet!) and we didn't have to haul heavy carry on bags around the airport because he put it all in the basket of Luke's stroller or hanging off the handles. Our two flights out went really well with him! He was overall happy and cute. The way back was crankier, though, and we were glad to be home.

My sister lives overseas during most of the year and so we wanted for everyone to get together in the summer when she and her family would be here. Originally we had rented a big cabin in Colorado for everyone to come to. That would have been a straight through, 2 hour flight for us. Simple. A couple weeks before that planned trip my dad had a heart attack (which he is recovering well from now, thank goodness) and the doctor told him that he should fly under no circumstances. So, that trip was postponed until the fall. However, that would rule Natalie and her family out of coming and after the scare of my dad's heart attack we all wanted to be together. So plans were moved and changed and we went home to Maryland instead.

Luke's first flight!

I can pretty much barely get him to sleep in my arms anymore.

Layover + Two Hour Delay in Chicago Midway

Finally we arrived! It was so good to be home-- the home I love so dearly. We were so excited to see everyone! Several family members still hadn't met Luke, including his cousin just a few months older than him.

Meeting his future playmate for the first time!

Playin' with cousin Jack! Another future playmate-- though Jack is a year and a half older.

Smiley boy loved this toy Grandma had!

I am really glad we ended up going back to Maryland. My parents are selling my childhood home and I got one last hurrah there. I'm also glad I got to bring at least one of my kids there. They are moving just a half an hour away so technically when I go back I could drive by my old house but that sounds much too painful-- some other family living in my house.

Such a gorgeous house.

I had a very idyllic childhood.

I love Luke snuggles.

First time on a swing!

Not sure why he pulls his own hair... Silly boy!

Being men, grilling.

One of the nights we decided to have a girls night out to the temple. I didn't realize it until i was putting my skirt on but I'd left my recommend at home in my temple bag! We had to go through the whole process of calling my bishop at the temple so I could go. I'm so glad I was able to because it was a wonderful experience. We were greeted by this site when we got home:

Bryan & my brothers in-law playing board games. I love seeing this!

Mom and sisters at the temple.

This was probably the last time I'd be in my home ward... I'm glad I got to show Luke off.

Cousins having fun playing!

Dad and Luke enjoying the porch swing.

Luke would crack up when Ivy jumped on the trampoline.

Silly boy!

We got to see so many old friends while we were there-- Amanda came to chill with us one morning.

Mom and Dad took us to visit their new lot. It was gorgeous and green and had us longing to live on the east coast (don't worry Boise friends, we love it here too and will be here for a little while still).

Panorama view of the lot.

Grandma and Grandpa playing with Luke while Bryan and I took a stroll around the lot.

Cousins enjoying some video game time.

We were there for a little less than a week but the time flew by too quickly for my taste. It felt so nice to be home and be with my family. Unfortunately two of my sisters weren't able to come with the change of plans but luckily we'll see them and their kids when we go to the Colorado cabin this fall.

Since we've been back life has continued to be busy. Luke used to sleep until 7-8 but has never really gone back to that since we got back. He's been getting up so early lately and I did not miss that. I think it's mostly due to teething and having a general 8 month sleep regression that comes with learning to crawl and such. I've been busy crafting up a storm-- making birthday presents and play mats and decor for our house. I love it! I'm also just about done weaning myself off of pumping. It's gone well but been a little emotional. I'll post more on that later. Bryan got a call from Nintendo America saying they approved him to be a game developer for the Wii U!!! We are very excited about that. He really enjoys making games as a hobby.

Anyway, that's life as of late!