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Thursday, December 19, 2013

Luke Wallace Whitney

Though most of you know, we are so happy to announce that we welcomed our sweet little boy, Luke Wallace Whitney, into the world on December 1, 2013 at 8:29 AM MST. He was 7 lbs. 3.7 oz. and 20 inches long with a head full of brown hair (his most distinctive and admired feature). Those are the stats so stop here if that's all you care about-- the rest is about what led up to him coming and the aftermath. I've written it for friends and family to read but more so for me so that I can remember all the details in years to come.

Part I -- Labor and Delivery

Bryan and I were very particular about when we wanted the baby to come but we knew we had no control over it. We wanted him to come after Thanksgiving but before my due date. Well, on November 18th, Bryan's birthday, I went to my weekly ob/gyn appointment and was checked for the first time. I've written about that here before but as a recap, it was incredibly uncomfortable and they found that I was already dilated to almost a 4 and 80% effaced at a station 2. Bryan and I were a little freaked out and the check made me feel really crampy and I was worried that labor could come on any minute. That Friday we had tickets to see Brian Regan live and the next day we had plans with friends to see Catching Fire so we were really hoping he wouldn't come before then. In addition, our car was squeaking and we had an appointment the following Monday to get it fixed (which we were waiting on to install the car seat) and Thanksgiving was later that week, which I really wanted to be able to enjoy before the baby came. I put myself on a little self-prescribed bed rest, trying to take it pretty easy. Well, all those events came and went and the baby waited through them. Bryan and I then started wondering if we'd just been psyching ourselves out and that the baby would come after his due date, like so many others.

Here I am at 38 weeks:

On Black Friday I had some mild contractions and low back pain that started getting painful but that were irregular and alleviated completely by a brisk walk around the neighborhood. The next day we put all our Christmas lights up and finished decorating our tree and house. I started having some mild cramping and low back pain around 7 PM but it wasn't so bad and I assumed it was false labor again. It was comfortable enough that we went to bed assuming it'd be gone by morning. I was so afraid to go to the hospital and just have to be sent away. I'm not sure if I ever fell truly asleep but around 12:45 AM, laying there in bed, I suddenly felt a gush of water flood out of me. Sorry if that is too graphic for some! I was incredibly surprised because I wasn't expecting to have my water break since that only happens to about 15% of women. I was also grateful that my sister had warned me to put a towel under our sheets a couple weeks before. Well, immediately I said, "Bryan! My water broke!" and he woke up groggily still not quite sure what I'd said. We immediately got up and dressed and started packing last minute things for the hospital bag. I'm grateful I printed out a list of those things because I assumed that I'd be able to help Bryan pack between contractions. Instead I almost immediately fell to the ground in agony and he made a mad dash around the house getting everything together. When your water breaks you lose a cushion that was keeping you from feeling the full extent of pain, so I went from practically nothing to the worst pain imaginable within about 30 seconds. After at least five contractions that were more painful than I knew my body could experience, we got into the car and headed to the hospital. We called my parents and Bryan's mom on the way-- I had a contraction during the latter and the last part of our phone call was disrupted by me screaming at the top of my lungs.

When we got there, I had another contraction in the parking lot and collapsed to the ground. A couple who also happened to be outside ran in and had someone bring a wheelchair out to me. I remember when they checked me in at triage they had me sign some forms and give them my ID and insurance info and I just kept thinking, "I'm in agony here! Can we please hurry this up?!" Finally, they took me in and checked me and I was already dilated to almost a 9 (you start pushing at 10). I started panicking, thinking I'd missed my chance for an epidural and feeling really not sure that I could do it without one. The nurses bustled about hooking me up to IVs and started pumping penicillin into my body since I was/am a carrier for group b strep. They weren't sure that I'd get all of the dosage that I needed since I was progressing so fast. I kept asking where the anesthesiologist was, all while trying to breath through the excruciating contractions. The nurse would hold my hand and breathe with me and I would try to focus on staring into her eyes until each one subsided for a minute or so. They told me later that I did well breathing but I'm pretty sure half of the time my "hee hee hoo hoo"'s were pretty pathetic sounds as I tried not to cry out in pain.

After what felt like an eternity but was probably 15 to 20 minutes, the anesthesiologist came in and gave me an epidural. Honestly, I barely even felt that and then very shortly after the pain subsided and life was glorious again. Getting the epidural slowed down my labor a lot. It did what they called "laboring down" so I had time to get all of my penicillin dosage after all. I had been kind of worried about my being a GBS carrier so I was very grateful for that! Things calmed down a lot after the epidural. People stopped bustling around me and soon I had one regular nurse, Molly, coming to to check on me. She was so sweet and helpful and I felt like we were already good friends. She checked me at one point and was surprised to say, "Wow, this boy has a lot of hair!" Amazing that she could already tell that! Well, anyway, Bryan was able to sleep for a few hours on a pull out chair but I was only ever able to get as far as half asleep several times. My mind just kept racing. Around 6 AM or so Molly had me start pushing. It was pretty hard to do with an epidural since I couldn't really feel what was going on down there. I had always assumed that labor was mostly contractions with a little pushing at the end but I was pushing for at least an hour and a half. Molly's shift ended at 7 AM and she was disappointed to have to leave before I delivered-- she wanted to see this little boy and all his hair! I was sad to see her go and replaced by another nurse who, while nice, just wasn't Molly. She was kind of harder on me about pushing. I was trying my very hardest but, as I said, it was very difficult to focus my energy on the right area with an epidural. By the end, even with an epidural, there was so much pressure. It was incredibly uncomfortable! I would have been pushing for probably another hour but with each push his heart rate would go down and they decided to use a vacuum. They only had to do so once and then, with a few more pushes from me, he was born!

They placed him on my chest and, of course, I cried. It was so surreal to see this little guy that I'd felt kick inside of me. So surreal to know this was my son. We were truly blessed with an easy pregnancy and a labor and delivery without complication.

 Here I am just after Luke was born.




Part II -- Postpartum Recovery

Bryan and I were so amazed at how well behaved this boy was! He waited until after Thanksgiving for us but didn't make us wait too much longer, exactly how we'd wanted it. Bryan was pretty much immediately head over heels for our son. He's always been kind of nervous holding other people's babies but he revels in this. He is such a good dad to our son even already.

Well, they wheeled us in to our recovery room and sometimes I wish I was still there. I honestly didn't get a lot of sleep in the hospital even though Luke was taken to the nursery at night because my mind kept racing when I'd try to sleep, worried about taking him home. In the hospital I had amazing nurses who were all compassionate and I felt like I was great friends with each and every one of them by the end of their shift. I had a nurse call button so I had access to constant help and all these lactation consultants coming in to help with breast feeding. We were able to stay two days because they wanted to keep an eye on him just because of my being GBS positive. I was excited but petrified to bring him home. Bryan was pretty much ready to be done with the hospital after the first night, though.

We also had a hard time really settling on a name. I went into it thinking it would end up being Luke but we had a list of names as well in case he just didn't seem like a Luke. We waited until after his first bath to really see... and then we waited some more... it's hard giving a human being a name that they will go by the rest of their life! We always knew his middle name would be Wallace, which is Bryan's middle name (also the name of his great grandfather). Our family was getting so impatient to know his name and be able to tell people! Finally, I told Bryan we could wait no longer and so we discussed all the names and it all circled back around to Luke and so we officially decided for sure on Luke Wallace Whitney. The phone calls were made and the Facebook announcement went out. It was so fun to see the comments rolling in after that.

Finally, on Tuesday afternoon, we made our venture home. I've been really, really attached to Bryan ever since we had him. We're a real team now! 

 Luke's first bath!


 Not sure how he felt about that...

 Me and my boy after a shower and a little make up.


 Our new little family!

 Dad and Luke, both with parted hair.

 One of many phone calls to mom or one of my sisters.

 Can you tell I've been pretty emotional?

 Leaving in trepidation.

 Classic "Going Home from Hospital" Picture

Part III -- At Home

When we got home we kind of stood around not knowing what to do next. Eventually I fed the boy while Bryan went out to get my prescriptions. My angel of a visiting teacher brought us over dinner. And then the night came and we decided to sleep. I put Luke in his Pack 'N Play bassinet next to our bed when he was sleeping but he never could soothe himself in it. I don't think I slept a wink until somewhere around 3 AM when I asked Bryan to take him until his next feeding. So I got about two hours of sleep that night. The next morning Bryan and I had to take Luke back to the hospital to get a blood test for jaundice and then to his pediatrician. The pediatrician said his jaundice was high and had us go rent a "biliblanket" that he was to wear as much as possible. Basically it was a thin UV light thing that we had to have on his back that hooked up to a heavy box and then plugged in. Pretty easy to take care of a baby in... not.

My parents were coming into town that day and I was so overwhelmed-- I've never been more desperate to see them! Their plane from Denver kept getting delayed due to weather but eventually they got here. Bryan had to go back to work the next day so when the second night was much like the first I had my mom take him for a couple hours in the middle of the night. We had to go back to the hospital again the next day to get his blood retested. In fact, for all my talk of not wanting to leave my house for six weeks, we had to take Luke back to the hospital every day for a week to have his jaundice tested! That was so hard to do-- I just wanted my little boy to be healthy and every time I drove back to the hospital I longed to check back in and have the nurses take care of us. Finally, after about a week his jaundice levels started going down and we stopped having to worry about that.

In addition to that he would sleep well some nights and not others. We tried him in his swing and that worked for two nights, then we had him in his car seat and he slept amazingly but I got too worried about SIDS... I even let him sleep on my chest a couple of nights. My friend loaned us a baby positioner so he now sleeps in that in our bed with us. I never thought I'd have my baby sleep in bed with me but he seems to be comforted by my being nearby. The positioner keeps him on his back and keeps me from rolling over onto him.

Anyway, my parents stayed for a week and that was so helpful. My dad cooked amazing meals and my mom helped with laundry, cleaning and baby holding. I think the latter was her favorite. Luke is such a sweet and handsome boy-- it's hard not to want to hold him all day and stare at his little face. The day my parents left Bryan's mom drove in so again I had great help. Luke was circumcised the next day and Bryan took two days off of work to help with him since we all figured he'd be in a lot of pain. Usually they do this in the hospital but they wanted to see his jaundice go down and my pediatrician didn't have privileges at the hospital anyway, so we had to wait. Well, Luke actually did really well with his pain! He definitely slept a lot. We had to have him in diapers smeared with petroleum jelly for five days and that was the most annoying part of the whole thing. It was really hard to see Bryan's mom go on Monday-- she was so helpful and let me take as many naps as I wanted. Now Luke and I are at home together. Yesterday was rough because he is going through a growth spurt and seemed to be having a lot of intestinal distress. Poor little guy-- learning how to be a human being must be very hard! I'm glad I can't remember it.

Well, those are the facts of the coming home with baby story. However, there is another story that has been playing out alongside Luke's growth and development and it is a bit darker. My whole life my greatest desire has been to be a mom. Well, I think I've just about learned that the things we want most are always the hardest. Luke is a pretty easy baby but I've decided that even easy babies are so hard. There's the lack of sleep and the constant breastfeeding that are certainly difficult enough already. For me, though, there is more. I've been extremely emotional since he was born. This wasn't such a bad thing when, in the hospital, I started crying over how much I love him. Those were tears of joy. As we went home and life got obviously more stressful I started crying over anything and everything. It didn't take me long to realize I at least had what is termed "baby blues." I felt depleted and had a paralyzing fear of being alone at night when everyone else was sleeping and I was awake tending to Luke. The interesting thing is that I didn't feel badly during the actual night but in the hours leading up to it, usually starting around dusk. I felt great guilt and shame over having these feelings. This beautiful, miraculous thing had just happened to me. I'd been given the best gift I could ever ask for. Why was I feeling so poorly? I should be overjoyed (even if exhausted) at every second! I've had to remind myself that this isn't my true self. Those feelings are a chemical reaction to hormones resulting from giving birth. That hasn't made them any less painful or dark, though. As time goes on things get a little better each day. However, if you've gone through this-- I feel your pain. It is miserable but know that you aren't bad or flawed for feeling like this and it doesn't mean you don't love your baby. I certainly love my Luke so dearly. I love the way he melts against my chest when he falls asleep after nursing. I love kissing his cheeks and his head full of hair. I love to sweet sighs he makes. I love it when he's happy and alert-- his eyes get so big and sometimes his little mouth makes an 'o' shape. I love the real father that he's brought out in Bryan. Sometimes I catch him staring lovingly at Luke. It really makes me fall in love with him even more.

Well, that paragraph went from depressing to mushy fast. Anyway, I only mention all that because its real and other mothers, especially first time mothers, should know there are other people who feel this way. I didn't want to gloss over it because its been a big deal to me. Being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I can say that for sure now. You are told its hard-- you're expecting it to be hard but, man, nothing can prepare you for it. So that's life so far! Now, here are some pictures from after we brought Luke home.

 A few minutes after we got home.

One of very few sleeps he has had in this bassinet. 

His face looks so smashed in this picture. I don't remember it being this way. 

You can really see the yellow color in his face due to the jaundice in this picture.
Even his eyes were yellow for awhile. 
Night 3: Successful Swing Sleep (note his UV biliblanket glowing on his back)

Here is a better picture of the biliblanket. Bryan called him his "cyber baby" when he wore it. 

Luke and Grandma Laine!

"Thanks for burping me so much, Grandma."

My sweet, sleepy boy. 




My mom kept saying, "Get a picture of his face like this!" That's why shes in so many pictures with him.

So much hair!

So snuggly.

Finally, we decided to finish up the progression series with my 40 week picture on my due date. I still look kind of pregnant here but I'm not at all ashamed. I'm proud to have carried him for almost 39 weeks!